A letter to one of my Fast Cupid inside contacts

Hi [UNDISCLOSED],

My full name is Edward [UNDISCLOSED]. Pretty English sounding, eh? Though I am only 1/4 English.

You need to know where to go to go to the Blorgy. So it's really a private party.

Right now I'm dating some fast cupid women so am afraid to post blogs here, though I am going to try to make a post threatening to crash the Blorgy as payback for a nasty comment left anonymously on my private blog by someone here. If and when I get a window in dating, and I have the time, I assure you that whatever little love there is for me around here will be gone, as I am going to really let the blog community have it. I am not an idiot like [UNDISCLOSED]. It will be done with a lot more finesse. I have bottled up a lot of anger towards this community and I think it is not healthy for me to keep it inside.

You look good. I hope you're meeting some nice men.

-Ed

Personal ad written for LA WOMAN

Dear LA WOMAN,

I've taken the liberty of writing you a personal ad profile for FastCupid. I have designed it to draw family oriented men like me and scare off the players. I'm fairly confident that expressing love for babies will scare the hell out of players. Yeah, it might even scare off some non-players, but if they're so fucking uptight about babies they really shouldn't be meeting someone who likes them. Try it. See what happens.


WHY SHOULD YOU GET TO KNOW ME

I am very modest. I don't feel the need to brag about my 147 IQ or about how incredibly cute I used to be before I discovered the deliciousness of deep-fried foods. (I am going to be hitting the gym more regularly so you should expect to see my cuteness make a serious come back!) I'm also very shy. I'm so shy that I didn't even write this personal ad. A lifer at Quentin wrote it for me. He is my friend. And he was wrongly accused! And he knows people on the outside who can make you have a very bad day if you don't pay for my latte on our first date. (If we get to a second date I think we can negotiate a more egalitarian arrangement about who picks up the latte tab.)

I love babies. I love their teeny-tiny toes and their great big eyes. There. I've said it. What is so wrong about loving children and wanting to create them? I know how difficult it is for women my age to have children, but I still want to try -- with a loving husband of course! If I can't have children then that's okay too. I am a terribly sweet person, a progressive, well-read, and obsessed with Pinkberry. (It's a Korean thing.) At the risk of sounding too 70's, I have a lot of love to give.



MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

I'm looking for what I think most women are looking for. Regular stuff such as romance, adventure, fun, and feeling loved. In addition I'm looking for someone who is childless, who desires to have children, but like me, would be okay if that didn't happen. Oh, one more thing: Please be a liberal.

My fall as blog super-star and rise as a misogynist pig

When I started blogging at Fast Cupid around October of last year I took the place by storm. I was the darling of the Fast Cupid blog scene. Why? Because I knew that if Jack Kerouac were alive today he would be a blogger. I understand that blogging is an art form -- a spontaneous art form. Instead of taking hundreds and thousands of hours to formulate your words as in traditional prose, in blogging you slap your words together in a cathartic emotional outburst. The result, if done correctly, is something, imperfect, sometimes ugly, yet really real. I don't think the Fast Cupid people had ever seen anything like me. I've never seen anyone blog like me, though there was one person there who was a better blogger. Her genius went largely unrecognized for some reason which I cannot understand.

My heady days of blog super stardom came to an abrupt ending when I posted Dr Hebe's Photo Advice For Women. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that telling women to not lick things in their dating profile photos would make me a horrible and evil misogynist overnight. Just two weeks earlier, women cheered me when I wrote Dr. Hebe's Sex Advice for Men. I was their hero. (But, ironically, this post actually was an attack on men, and the photo advice for women was not an attack on women -- they really were just photo tips.) But now I was a shit. And it was okay to libel me, because I was an evil doer.

Around the beginning of the year the Fast Cupid people had a blog party. I wasn't invited, though I saw photos of these people congregating on Face Book. One night when I was drunk and mad, I deleted half of my Face Book friends in a paranoid rage. All were Fast Cupid friends. There was some logic to the people I deleted but not a lot. Only one person I regretted deleting, but then again I don't because her boyfriend led the defamation charge against me and although she never did anything to hurt me, she slept with the enemy.

I knew there was a second blog meeting planned in the near future, and that I wasn't invited. I had successfully managed to suppress the feelings of anger, injustice and neglect. But when LA Woman asked me in a letter whether I was invited, it sent me off the deep end. I wasn't even that angry. Just very hurt.

I am considering de-friending all of my remaining Facebook friends from Fast Cupid. Some of them I'm fond of but I do not consider any of them good friends. It will hurt me to see photos of them attending this event. Even the ones who are not in proximity of New York and cannot attend, it will hurt me knowing that they are friends of the people who did not invite me. I am concerned about being perceived as rude and hurtful, but I have to worry about my own ass and protect myself. Much of my problems in life stem from the fact that I have been too nice. I still need to consider this, but my thinking is that I don't think I owe the collective Fast Cupid blog community anything. Of course I will never de-friend LA Woman. Technically I did not meet her through the Fast Cupid blog community. We had contacted each other at Fast Cupid, before I started blogging there.

I can only remember one occasion in my life when I was invited to an in-group activity. I have decided to never accept an invitation to an in-group activity, because I object to them on philosophical and ethical grounds. I'm fairly certain that no good can ever come out of an in-group.

Dr Hebe's Photo Advice For Women

This is reprinted from the Fast Cupid blog that I deleted.

Original Post Date: 12/26/2008

I tend not to judge a book by its cover and because of this I often date online women who have online photos which make it difficult for me to imagine sexing it up with them. When I meet them in real life I often find that these women are perfectly attractive and I would have no objections at all to sexing it up with them. Here are some online photo tips for women:

1. If possible, get a professional or semi-professional photographer to take your pics. A professional, very choreographed shot will make you look larger than life.


2. If you cannot get a professional to take your photos, don't do shots where the camera is positioned directly at your face. Unless you have perfectly proportioned features or bulging cheekbones, always hit the face at some angle. This will give the viewer depth and allow them to see curvature of your face. Female beauty is 90% in the cheekbone. Don't worry about any imperfections that you have. Emphasize the cheek, even if you don't have a large cheekbones or chubby cheeks.


3. If possible, don't choose which are your photos yourself. Have a bisexual or heterosexual man tell you which photos make you seem most attractive.


4. Never ever lick things or suck on straws or your finger (unless it is an obvious parody of Dr. Evil.)


5. Do not flaunt your breasts or any other part of your body which is good. By all means, if you have nice breasts or hips or legs or ass or whatever, show me, but do it tastefully. If you flaunt yourself you're doing two things: 1.) You're blinding me with lust and imparing my judgment. 2.) You're making me feel as though you're not very modest which makes me feel that you're not very cool.


6. Always have at least four photos. Why? Because the man will ignore the photos you don't look good in and concentrate on the good ones.


7. Always date the photos. If I see a woman that looks too young for her age, I will dismiss her immediately!


8. Holding animals are great and this sends out a great message, but make sure that you don't overdo it. Have some animal photos and some non-animal photos.


9. If you have children, do not include your children in your photos. There is no need for this and it will only scare men off. Just say in your profile that you have children, that you love your children, but you are not looking for a father for them. You are looking for a partner for you.


10. Don't have all your photos be famous tourist attractions around the world. People with bad attitudes like me will think that you're trying to show off.


11. You don't have to look happy in all your photos. Forcing smiles is very unappealing. If you don't feel like smiling, just be yourself, whatever that is. It will say much more about you. Have one smile photo so that you don't look too depressing.

Reprint: Dr. Hebe's Sex Advice for Men

This is reprinted from the Fast Cupid blog that I deleted.

Original Post Date: Dec 11, 2008

Dear Men,

Please stop bitching and moaning about your wife not giving you fellatio. I do not want to hear about the physical neglect your penis endures.

If I were to tell my whiny male friends the reasons why they don't get their penises sucked, they would probably get offended and wig on me. So I don't. But here are the reasons:

1.) You have an ugly penis, and you shouldn't blame your wife for not felating it as no person in their right mind would want to.

2.) You ask your woman to felate you. YOU NEVER EVER ASK A WOMAN TO DO THIS! You shouldn't have to. You are just the epitome of uncool.

If you had a nice penis and truly knew how to make love to a woman, you wouldn't have to ruin my day with your talk of your nasty penis.

The IRS

I remember when I was about 18 and completely broke and living in some state of homelessness. My mother had an accountant do my taxes. It was one of her many hair-brained schemes to help me. Had I thought for myself and not trusted the authority of others in my youth I would not have been the traumatized adult that I am now. The accountant made an error and really fucked me over. I owed a lot to the IRS. The IRS kept sending me these letters threatening to take my wages and put leans on my property. I became so infuriated one day that I sent them a long angry letter starting with "Is it a crime in America to be poor?" And then I ended the letter challenging and inviting them to take non-existent wages and put leans on non-existent property. I was basically saying that that they had no power over me because I had nothing. And they should go ahead and make my day. This letter was written out of madness. It would not be written like that if I was in a right state of mind. What is interesting is that the IRS wrote back telling me that at this time they were not going to pursue further action.

Facebook is destroying my life

Dear LA Woman,

Facebook is destroying my life. I am going to try to stay off of it. I need to get work done. There is a small chance that I can make money doing what I'm doing -- real money to impress a woman that I can support children. Even if I make the money it probably won't be until after the recession, if there ever is an end. It's a lot of pressure and it's depressing and anxiety provoking because I'm running out of time. Things like Facebook and blogging are escapes from this shit reality. Dating is also an escape from reality. I think I'm probably better off spending all my time working. I am being much more selective now. I won't even go out with women with children anymore. Why should I? They live in a different world from me. They've had their lives. They have their lasting legacies. I want mine, or at least a women in my situation. I signed up for softball. I'm angry at myself for doing this. I should be working or at least dating. Softball doesn't get me anywhere in life. I was going to say that it gives me immediate pleasure but it gives me so much performance anxiety that it's hardly worth it.

I have to keep getting the work done, or at least try to. It is my only course of action. I feel a little badly about bitching and moaning so much to you, but I think you understand me in a way that other people don't.

I hope you're okay. You're in my thoughts.

-Ed

Personal ad response to Kz

Max age 41? Oh, you cradle rocker you! It is discrimination against the elderly! I will be reporting you to the dating police.

You're cute.

-Ed

Is your google broken?

(I list my occupation on some dating sites as Comintern Agent.)

Dear Comrad L,

I told the woman who asked me what a Comintern Agent was that I was not at liberty to tell her. She hasn't written back. She never will. This is why I have no business dating. I have a bad attitude.

Hope you're riding the Darjeeling in your dreams. I often get drunk on Fridays when I am alone. It's too much to bare not being drunk, alone on a Friday. Sometimes I watch movies while drunk on a Friday. I remember very clearly "The Darjeeling Limited" being a drunken Friday movie night. I have no patience for movies when I'm drunk. I have no business watching movies or dating. I should at least be sober for the movies and drunk for the dates. That might work.

-Ed

Would you settle for a non-dominator?

A 41 year old says in her personal ad:

"I am interested in dating a short, stocky, blue-eyed Scorpio boy with an IQ over 140 who is dominant."

I thought perhaps she was kidding about the dominance and everything else, but she says later down in her ad that she is submissive.

I know I swore off beautiful women in my last post but the fact is that I adore beautiful women and cannot resist them. But how do I answer her? The only thing she's looking for that I am is a Scorpio. I will not write her. She sounds insane. But if I did, how would I? Like this?

Would you settle for a Scorpio, average height, not too stocky -- more athletic, green eyes, IQ of 95, who does not dominate or submit?

Does this woman have any idea how many people in the population have IQs over 140? That is more than two and two thirds standard deviations above the mean IQ. Perhaps one person in a thousand has an IQ above 140. She is out of her mind.

New tales of obsession with Romanian women: Part 2

I probably should have called the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating that evening, but I was tired and I had other plans for the evening beyond a fucking phone screening interview.

I have had horrible experiences with pre-date phone screenings. I am literally phobic about doing them. Women bust balls on phone screenings like they never would if you met them in person. When the woman gives you her number, like the beautiful woman did, 60% of the time when you call, you're patched through to voice mail. I have a shitty voice. Due to this, no woman has ever called me back after I've left a phone message. If I get through to the woman, I stand about a 15% chance of surviving the phone screening interview. It is fucking bullshit. All that women hear is my awful voice and how retarded I sound. If they saw my smile it would be a different story. If I could actually hear 100% of what they say versus 80% what they say on their shitty cell phones, I might have a fighting chance. If I could read their body language -- if they could read mine, I might have a fighting chance, but I don't have any fucking chance at all when they give me a fucking job interview over the phone. I will usually write to the the woman that I am not good over the phone and request that they meet me in person. This works about 85% of the time. But I read the beautiful woman's blog and she is convinced that she could sense people through phone screenings and was pretty adamant about doing them. What amazed me was that she reported that some men don't even call her. Were they insane? This is the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating! My rules about doing phone screenings are pretty clear: I DON'T FUCKING DOING THEM! But this is the most beautiful woman in Internet dating. Certainly if there is some small fraction of a chance of landing a date with this woman, I can break my rule.

I opted to offer the possibility of skype. This would level the playing field for me. I e-mailed her the following:

03/26/2009
Today is turning out be very hectic. Unfortunately I will not be able to call you tonight. Let me give you my home phone and skype address. We could video conference if you're interested. I hope that we could communicate over the weekend or perhaps on Monday.

Phone: [UNDISCLOSED]
Skype: [UNDISCLOSED]

I could not call her on Friday. That would be inappropriate. I thought about calling her on Saturday afternoon, but I all I did was freak out about calling her and not call her. I had two dates on Sunday and could not call her. A dark cloud of terror and loathing loomed over that entire weekend. And I could not sleep. It was not only that she was so beautiful. Even if she was ugly, I have had so many bad experiences with the phone screening that it is just aversive. They terrify me.

Finally when it was Monday I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep and anxious as hell but I had to call her. There was no escaping it. I knew there was a 60% chance that I would get patched through to voice mail. For the first time in my life I wrote out a script for this eventuality instead of stumbling through it. I knew that I had a 0% chance of women calling me back if I left a voice mail, so if I said something normal I would never be called back. I would need to defy the rules. This is the only way I can possibly win in life. I would need to say something to compel her to call me back, despite the fact that my voice is shit and I sound like a fucking retard. I had nothing to lose.

Sure enough when I called her, I got voice mail. I said the following:

Hi, this is Ed. I'm trying to reach the most beautiful woman on [UNDISCLOSED DATING SITE]. I'm not sure what her name is but I know that she's from Bucharest. You can call me at [UNDISCLOSED NUMBER]. Hope to chat with you later.

I gave myself a C- on the delivery. I was very tired. I was too tired to rehearse the script, but I knew from doing radio that when you rehearse things you run into the danger of things sounding rehearsed. What I said was over-the-top, but what I gave her was the real me. I had nothing to lose.

Every day afterward I prayed that she would not call me back. Rational or not, I really resented her for putting me through all this stress. What is this phone call magical chair bullshit all about? What is this bullshit about being able to psychicly sense whether people are cool through a phone convo. (This is essentially what she was saying in her blog, but not in these words.) If you might have some interest in a person, meet them for 20 minutes. What is the big whoop? You never even have to give away your cell number. What bothers me so much about Internet dating is all the screwing around and wasting of my time that people do. I despise fickle, indecisive people who believe in magic, are afraid to take risks, and do things half-assed. Why do you think these people are shopping on the Internet year after year after year for a mate? They will never find anyone. I am a low-wage earner. This makes me half a man. But at least I have a legitimate fucking excuse for not being able to find a mate. What is the excuse of the beautiful people who have good jobs that they "love" and "great" lives. Who is the real loser? I don't mean to single-out the beautiful woman. She actually sounded pretty cool and she never said she had a great life or loved her job or was an eternal optimist or any of that fucking crap. I really don't have any personal animosity towards the beautiful woman. She treated me okay.

My gambit with the voice mail, at least for the moment had seemed to have paid off. About a week later I got the following e-mail from the beautiful woman:

04/01/2009
I am out of town until tomorrow. I will try to call you when I get back.

My prayers have probably been answered by the dating Gods: The beautiful woman has not called me back. Who knows, maybe some dark rainy night I will get a call from a woman with a funny accent, and it will be the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating. I hope not. No woman is worth being put through all this stress and anxiety for, I don't care how beautiful she is.

New tales of obsession with Romanian women: Part 1

I am no longer intimidated by good-looking women. I've learned that they're not that scary. Average looking women bust my balls and reject me at about the same ratio as average looking women. But just a few months ago I never would have dreamed of writing to the most beautiful woman in Boston online dating with the expectation of getting a date with her. At the the time I was still completely freaking out about Nancy. I wrote to the most beautiful woman on the Internet because, like Nancy, she was also from Romania. She was a dark-haired version of Nancy, only 3 years older. Both her and Nancy were part of the mass exodus from Romania when the country went to hell after the revolution. The beautiful woman -- I don't know her name -- she never gave it to me, had fucking massive bulging cheekbones, a little round nose. Very round forehead. Such a perfect face. Reasonably sized and shapely breasts too. (I saw the cleavage.) There are perhaps a few women in their 20's who are physically more attractive than the beautiful woman, but only because of their youth. They were not born with the physical perfection of the beautiful woman.

The beautiful woman said in her profile that she was taking a break from dating. One thing interesting about her was that she listed in her musical interests B.A.D (Big Audio Dynamite.) I thought that was very cool because nobody does this. She also liked The Clash and The Kinks -- my favorites. I wrote the following to the beautiful woman. Again, I did not intend to date her. This was a cry for help from a madman. It was perhaps a way for me to reach out to Nancy or reconcile with her loss. What really hurt me about Nancy was the way she dumped me, which was to abruptly terminate contact. I think that had she said good-bye properly, I could have handled it.

12/15/2008
I knew a woman from Romania once. Like you, she had nice big bulging cheekbones, was well-traveled, and knew a whole bunch of languages. She was from [UNDISCLOSED], which is not too far away from [UNDISCLOSED]. Apparently her family had done very well under Ceausescu, but she despised Communism. If I dared mention that I was a Socialist, she would have a complete wig-out. I tried to tell her that I did not support the Soviets, but she wouldn't listen. She really hated gypsies, but she loved the Jews. I could never understand why she hated gypsies. I know that I could never visit Bucharest now because I would think of her and miss her.

Have you ever been to Bucharest?

I was very surprised to find that the beautiful woman wrote me back three months later:

03/12/2009
I am from Bucharest, so I guess the answer is YES, I have been there. All Romanians hate gypsies, for various reasons.

So I wrote her back. This time I was trying to date her, though I was sure I wouldn't get beyond a first date on account that she was a lawyer and I am a hack computer programmer on disability. All I wanted to do was to sit down and talk to her and look at her for about ten minutes. I wanted this desperately. I wanted nothing more beyond this. If I could have this I would have much of what I ever wanted in life.

03/12/2009
It's only been about 3 months, yet it seems so long ago that I wrote you. I think you are one of the first women I wrote to on here, if not the first.

I can visit Bucharest now. But actually I'm much more interested in visiting Budapest.

Would you like to have coffee with me? It's on me. All that I ask for in return is for you to give me the low-down on why Romanians hate gypsies.

-Ed

She writes back:

03/26/2009
sure, just give me a call [UNDISCLOSED PHONE NUMBER].

The 6 Step Online Dating Formula

I had a big run over the past two months. Went out on more dates than ever in my whole life times ten. Most of these were OKC women. But some were FC women. Now everything's slowing down, partly because I'm running out of warm bodies, partly because I just don't give a shit and am losing my will to do this.

In the bad old days of online dating, when I still had most of my hair, nice girly skin, and didn't have Irritable Bowel System I would never write women, just waited for them to write me. Sometimes this took months. And we would exchange thousands of words before I even asked them out on a date. And very often they would say, "Oh, I wish you didn't bring that up." And then we would exchange enough e-mail to easily create a novella, and then I would get frustrated and just stop e-mailing. And only then would they agree to talk to me over the phone. And then after we have exchanged tens of thousands of words (some of it very good writing by the way), our entire relationship dies with one phone call. I was young and naive. I didn't realize that these women were insane and didn't really want to be in relationships.

Quite by accident I stumbled upon the concept that I didn't need to attempt to warm women up through e-mail, which is a huge waste of time, where no valuable information is really learned. Furthermore, I didn't even have to talk to them over the telephone. This is wonderful for me because the "phone interview" instills in me a stark terror. Also, when soliciting women, I did not need to really take the time to give them a reasonably adequate response to their profile. All I needed to do was look at their photo, say yay or nay, take a cursory look at their profile, and say a few sentences, often silly and stupid. You don't really respond to the their profile, you say something flirtatious. If you take the time to really address their profiles it does not work. Probably they take it as a sign of your being needy. And, why should I take a lot of time to really write a woman when I'm competing with a thousand men? These women are not going to take the time to personally reject me. And if they do, it's going to be boilerplate, which is even worse than not being written back to. So I reduced online dating to the following formula.

1.) Take a cursory look at their profile.

2.) Write them them saying something short and stupid but flirtatious. Always give them your first name at the end.

3.) They respond back saying something short and stupid but flirtatious, sometimes asking questions. (If they don't give you their name, they're long shots, so don't exert too much energy on them, but continue to pursue.)

4.) Candidly and courteously address their questions, but do so tersely. Do not engage them them. Ask them if they would you like to have coffee.

5.) If they reply back, they will sometimes agree to the coffee and sometimes have more questions. Again, answer their questions, but don't engage them. Often they will want to talk to you over the phone or e-mail you more. Never ever agree to this. If they say they want to e-mail you more, than you have no hope of ever meeting these women, especially if they still haven't given you their name. (You should abort these women, but for some odd reason, I still give it the old college try, though it never ever produces results.) If they say they want to phone you, very politely say that you are bad over the phone and impress upon them how fun it will be to meet in person. Here is the pivotal part of this step: Ask them to select a time and place to meet for coffee. This gives them the power and control. And gives you power and control because they now have no good excuse not to meet you.

6.) Assuming you've made it past step 5, give them your cell phone number. They will often give them yours at this point, but never directly ask for this. It's a done deal.

There you go. Six step formula to online dating. Probably works for selling used cars as well. My formula is however defective because more steps should be added. I should engage women in more bullshit e-mail dialog to show them how interested I am in them, and I'm sure I lose lot of woman because of my reluctance to do this. But I refuse to play this game. I refuse to feign interest.

It's not that I'm a cold-hearted person that has no interest in women. During my big run I have met many fascinating women on dates, and learned stuff about the world that I never knew. It has really expanded my horizons. I actually like meeting new people. I'm just opposed to the bullshit process of screening. I think it's really pure shit without any scientific basis whatsoever.

This is bullshit I should be paid for this

Hi,

I saw your ad on Craigslist for freelance writers.

Two of my short stories have appeared in REAL: Regarding Arts & Letters. I also wrote a cover article for FoxPro Advisor.

My writing skills have landed me dates with some of the most beautiful and smartest women in the Boston online dating world. I have written some of the best dating profiles ever written. I know this because women around the world contact me and tell me this -- some want to meet me.

My favorite dating profile is at fastcupid.com My user name there is heebie_jeebie. Another profile is at okaycupid.com. My user name there is nowomannolove. Here is the full URL:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/nowomannolove/

I also write a lot of stuff about getting dates online as well as my experiences with dating evil women. I do not consider myself a dating expert -- there are no dating experts, only survivors. And I am in the trenches surviving and experimenting and perfecting the art of dating without going mad. I do consider myself an expert personal ad analyst. I know what makes a good personal ad tick and I know what makes a bad personal ad bad.

Dickie Richards

Personal ad response to PQ

Hi,

I was thinking about opening up with the line "I am a doctor too -- a doctor of love" -- but that would not be factually accurate because, as evidenced by the fact that I am 43 and never married, I flunked out of love medical school. But I keep trying. Maybe I could make it through love dental school.

I am a huge Herzog fan. He is my last living role model and hero. My favorite of his documentaries is "Little Dieter Needs to Fly." The ending of this when he is talking about the bear that is looking to eat him being his only friend exudes existential misery unlike anything I've ever seen on film. My favorite feature film by Herzog is "Rescue Dawn." But of course they are sort of the same film, just examining the subject of loneliness from different perspectives.

I am a huge Buffy fan. Own most of the DVDs. And I am trying very hard to like "Dollhouse," but not having to much success at this effort.

I don't think you look much like Jackie Kennedy but I think you have very cute cheeks and you look hot!

-Ed

Another of the many posts I've deleted from the OKC blog

Fast Cupid no longer has blogs, but nobody actually read them, so you could pretty much get away with saying the most outlandish shit. The bloggers there are mainly a New York crowd so they are not fucking uptight as hell like people in Boston. You can't faze New Yorkers. I can't say too much here. I have to be very careful. I have to tiptoe through the existential crisis of my life here. I feel like I'm writing for Disney.

I'm very depressed about a woman. I wasn't in the mood to take my usual medicine for heartbreak (Budweiser). If I continue to be depressed about her maybe I'll get drunk next week, though maybe not. I don't think any amount of drinking is going to help me with this one. I think I'll watch some schlock on the Netflix Roku thingee. I'm too depressed to sleep.

Snarky responds

(See Snarky's response below.) Snarky and I actually have a lot in common. I think she just doesn't dig me, but whatever. I cannot turn all women on. This woman doesn't understand that only a small minority of women respond to men's solicitations. That is why men don't put much effort into writing women. Why piss away a lot of energy and time writing a personal ad? It only makes you look needy and is a complete waste of time and energy. You actually get better results when you write very short replies. I only gave this woman a proper response because she represented a challenge that I could not resist. She was a little too taken with herself. Sprinkled throughout her ad is "Keep reading" and "Are you still reading this?" And also she says, "you should know who The Fall, The Cramps, Iggy Pop, and Joy Division are (for starters). I MEAN IT - I will quiz you!" And I'm thinking, what are these bullshit prerequisites? Hey, at least she has good taste in film.

Ed

Given that Storszek is one of my all-time favorite films (not to mention My Best Fiend - Klaus Kinski, and Little Dieter Needs to Fly) I get the reference. In fact, I met Herzog a couple of times through a friend who did some underwater cinematography for Encounters at the End of the World. Herzog is a completely under-rated (not to mention prolific) writer/director.

People should read profiles and it's too bad they don't. Not reading them defeats the whole purpose of trying to put a little bit about yourself out there. The guys who don't read them and send me the stupid "Hi" message with nothing more are just wasting my time.

As a habit, I don't "do the knocking" here on PoF, but the couple of guys I have initiated contact with received full page emails from me. Why? Because I was interested in them and wanted to express that - regardless of my "chances" to establish a connection. By the way, neither of them responded with much interest in me. Your argument that 'guys don't think they have a chance so they don't invest much time in their emails' doesn't hold up for me. Instead, those one-line emails just indicate (to me, anyway) how utterly lazy they are and how little they want to invest in meeting someone. It is disturbing to thing how that "lazy" attitude manifests itself in the REAL relationships those guys might have.

I'm not sure you and I are well-matched, but I did want to get back to you because your email had content worth responding to...and to tell you I love Herzog as well.

Best,
[Undisclosed]

Personal ad response to Snarky

Nobody reads profiles. Legislators don't read laws they vote on. Why do you expect people to read profiles? Men don't put in much effort to write you because you have a pretty face. They feel they have little chance so they Mickey Mouse a response. I don't blame them.

I've never heard of "The Fall" and "The Cramps." I barely know of "Joy Division." Joe Strummer is dead and I don't see the point in listening to or being interested in music anymore. For me music and my whole damn youth died with Strum. I can't listen to it anymore. And even if I wanted to, it's just so damn loud. I am too old for live music.

I could probably out film/documentary snob you. This is evidenced by the fact that my alias is the name of a documentary about Werner Herzog. (Nobody gets this. Nobody!) I eat bacon every day, and this is against my religion. This is how much I like bacon, or perhaps how much I have contempt for my religion, or both. Clint Eastwood circa 1975 is okay. But I'm into Spaghetti Western Eastwood.

Yes, I want children. I like children. I think they're beautiful. But it's not like I will commit suicide if I don't have them. I'll live.

-Ed

Why all the drama?

Thank God I had remembered to set the volume of the answering machine to zero because when I woke up there was a message time stamped at 8:24 a.m. I had been having so much trouble sleeping and wow would I had been upset had this woken me up. Here is a transcript of the voice recording:

Hi Ed this is Ji-ho calling.

Um, I'm really sorry but I need to cancel our appointment on Sunday at 2:00 p.m. Um, I think you want something more than I do and um, and it's probably not fair to either of us to meet and try to continue something that I don't think will work out in the end. But I do wish you a lot of luck. Um, it was ... I actually enjoyed having a bite to eat with you. Maybe not so much the conversation but the eating part was fun. And that -- that's a lot actually. So take care. And good luck with everything including your book. Okay, bye.

The first time I listened to the recording I was grateful that I would not have to meet her again, because I had been loathing this date ever since it was made a week ago. We were just going to watch some Canadian Geese. It was nothing heavy. But the tone of Ji-ho's message was as if we were fucking each other or something. What is this "I think you want something more than I do" crap? All I wanted was to watch some fucking birds with her, talk to her, get to know her some more, and be sure, without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted nothing more to do with her. I had no grandiose plans for marriage, children, sexing it up with her, or anything. And furthermore, what is this shit about "I actually enjoyed having a bite to eat with you. Maybe not so much the conversation but the eating part was fun." Don't tell someone you didn't enjoy talking to them. It's just sort of assholey, and if you enjoyed the eating part of the date, why don't you take this time to fucking thank the person for buying you all that shit that you ate? I remember that night. It was a $55.00 night. All I had was french fries, cake and coke. She ate at least $25.00 worth of food and tea. I don't mind spending money on a woman. It's just nice every decade or so when a woman thanks you.

Again, I'm glad she canceled. It was the 8:24 a.m. answering machine invasion that upset me and put me off for the entire day. The date was 5 days away. She didn't need to do this at 8:24 a.m. Why couldn't she have just called at a reasonable time and just said, "Sorry, this is not working for me." Why all the drama?

Employees as well as patrons must wash hands

Go to any restaurant in Massachusetts. In the bathroom there's a little sign that says, "Employees must wash hands." I think sometimes it says that it's a state law or something like that.

I don't think that's good enough. I think it should say:

"Employees as well as patrons must wash hands."

But perhaps that's a little too pissy. You might want to tone it down a notch and say:

"Employees as well as patrons are strongly encouraged, with extreme prejudice, to wash hands."

Or even gentler...

"Kindly wash your hands so that when you shake other people's hands and prepare their food, your hands are not so penisy, and you do not transfer to innocents whatever horrid disease you carry."

I know. There is the whole other subject of people wiping their asses and not washing their hands afterward. I can't even bare to discuss it.

My caffeine headache

Actually the headache is coming from a lack of caffeine. My vocal cords are damaged. It is a long story. I will not get into that, but I am not supposed to be drinking coffee as it puts stress on my voice. I ignore the doctor's advice though drink coffee in smaller quantities. I had a very long convo with a friend the other day and a very long convo with my father. This put a lot of stress on my voice. And then, after agonizing over a computer programming problem for about a month and nearly going mad, I finally came up with a workable solution and decided to go out and relax by looking at Canadian Geese. But of course I needed to buy a Dunkin' Donuts extra large coffee in order to have something to drink while doing my bird watching.

My voice was a wreck the next day (yesterday). I had only a few sips of coffee. Unfortunately, like an idiot, I made a date for the evening. I think it was a good date but I should not have scheduled it. I had one beer during the date. Alcohol is also very bad for my voice but I didn't want to look like a girly man and it's questionable if the place even had ginger-ale -- they didn't even have Budweiser. (It was one of those bars that only carry funky beers that you've never heard of. I sort of hate that. It is so pretentious and the beers tend to taste like crap. The beer I had, which I think was called Narragansett, tasted vaguely like that anesthetic spray for when you have a sore throat.) I cannot blame myself too much. I asked her if she would like to go to a coffee shop, where I would have bought a non-caffeinated beverage. But this woman wanted to drink. Expensive wine too. My wallet is so light today. I was smart enough to not attempt to talk over the live music, which they started playing it about an hour into the date. It was loud. And I was sitting right near the band. My date suggested going to the back. But I was smart enough to call it a night. We talked for about an hour. That was enough.

I am drinking a coffee now. I will just have one coffee. I took two aspirin. I suspect the headache will recede. I think it already is, and I could try to get some work done. Ugh!

Yahoo women

I used to have some money before I got clobbered with this economic collapse. I blew a lot if it on the most ridiculous things, such as a $500.00 laser comb that supposedly grows hair, Yahoo Personals membership, and a JDate membership. All these things are no more absurd and useless than the other. In fairness to JDate, I never gave it a chance. I only solicited one woman there. She was not only not Jewish, but came from Germany. I guess I was symbolically sticking it to JDate and the whole concept that Jews should meet Jews. (Just so you know, I am Jewish.) Unfortunately, consistent with the German stereotype, this woman had no fucking sense of humor at all! I also think that she was very naive and completely oblivious to the anger and resentment American Jews have towards Germans, which actually spans generations. Unlike many Jews, when I think of Germany, I don't think of Adolph Hitler, I think of Werner Herzog and my former roommate from college, an army brat born and raised in Germany, who I had a tremendous crush on. The German language gives me a warm fuzzy feeling just hearing it. As for Yahoo Personals, it fucking sucks. Many OKC woman have written me back. I have gone out with many, and many are very cool. But Yahoo women never ever write me back. I actually use Yahoo Personals now to screen out OKC women, as some of the Yahoo women are on this site too. This saves me a lot of time because I know to avoid writing the women who are also on Yahoo.

Yahoo women are truly an affront to all that is good and holy in the universe. Reading their personal ads sometimes borders on the surreal. One woman bitched and moaned through her entire ad about how she was with an alcoholic man, and how he chose the alcohol over her. I felt bad for her. I went to write her. But then I saw that she made 150K a year and required men to make at least a 150K. And I thought to myself, this woman is worth nothing. Aesthetically she is very average. There is no evidence of intelligence. But even if she was intelligent, her emotional baggage gives her a negative value.

I may get angry Yahoo women responding, asserting that am a loser. I don't care. I think their ambitions and priorities in life are extraordinarily petty. Only a naive idiot like me or someone who associates with Satan buys a Yahoo Personals membership.

The cup is half full is not enough

About half of women's personal ad profiles contain this phrase: "I like to see the cup as half full." I say that's inadequate. It is not enough to place subjective judgment on the physical state of the world. You must be willing to go the full nine yards. What I would like to see is women saying stuff like, "I like to see a cup that has 1% fluid in it as trying really hard to be full."

Personal ad response to Hot4JewsAryan

I used to have a little money before the economy went to shit and went mad in November, pissing away a fortune on a JDate membership, yet I had not written one woman because I thought that they were all a bunch of yuppie assholes who would reject me. This is the first JDate woman I have ever solicited. She is quite mad because she is a gentile from Germany on a Jewish dating site. It's outrageous! Maybe it is German guilt that compels her to do this. JDaters must despise her. But I don't. I just think it's funny. The letter I wrote her is true. I do have warm associations with Germans, and it is not only because of Herzog, it is also because of a German roommate I once had who I had a tremendous crush on, who spoke a much softer, pleasant German, not like Hitler at all. The woman in the personal ad is 33. Blond hair. Looks like a total Aryan. I want her to bare them good blond, blew-eyed babies for me.

Grew up in Germany and not Jewish? You must not be the most popular person here on JDate. Jews tend to associate Germans with Nazis. I on the other hand associate Germans with German director Werner Herzog, and it brings up warm fuzzy feelings.

I think you look really cute.

-Ed

The inside track of cool

I forgot to tell you that I used to spend hours reading profiles, but only the ones that would catch my eye. I think that's how I found yours the first time. Of course, there are those profiles which read exactly the same, all that shit about travel, and how versatile they are, from jeans to dressing up, from drinking beer to dining out in expensive restaurants. I especially loathe profiles with pics of body parts, and no face. Of course, I am always intrigued by an allusion to something so obscure, that I think I'm the only one who gets it.

-LA Woman

Oh Men do the travel and versatility thing too? I would think if a man talked about how versatile he was he would sound ... how should I say this ... gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with it.)

I'm not too crazy about the allusion to something obscure because it's a little too insider-knowledgey for me, though I am slightly guilty of this myself. Now I go by the alias Burden_of_Dreams. This is a documentary about a director name Werner Herzog. Nobody yet has gotten it. Perhaps the woman who does will get a free invitation to marriage as I will know that she is on the inside track of cool.

-Ed

Yet another letter to Comrad L

Let's combine forces we create a dating website for single lefties. What could we it? "Red Dates?" "Lefty Love?"

I am much more cynical than you are. I don't believe there are any Socialists left.

People don't understand what Socialism is. They think Socialism is Barack Obama or the Soviet Union. I stopped saying I was a Socialist in my profile. I think I was scaring the shit out of everyone.

I think you are perhaps the first Socialist I've ever met in a dating website. A Lefty Love website is a good concept, but how do you fund such a thing? We're Socialists, not capitalists. And, also, do we let the Maoists in? They will probably create a splinter group and subvert our entire idea. They'll probably force everyone to carry Little Red Books on dates. They will tear us apart like they did to SDS.

Yet another letter to LA Woman

You read fast! I am reading women's online dating profiles. It is is very bland reading. And half of them say, "I like the to see the cup as half full." One woman even says "You should have the ability to see the cup as half full even when it is half empty." I kid you not! I am beginning to think that women buy ready-made profiles at some type of Profile-Mart. I mean, they're all the same. I couldn't bring myself to write any of these woman, thank God.

Chuck Palahniuk. That bastard! If I ever get this thing produced everyone will think I stole whatever you say is in Chuck's book.

Nobody reads this screenplay without getting offended. Some people get, really, REALLY offended. I was naive when I wrote it. I didn't realize that you cannot write something like this and ever dream that anyone would produce it. You have to do it yourself. I don't have the money.

I will send you the draft of The Losers Guide to Survival when it because available. I have a rule that it cannot be over 50 pages. Your criticism will be much appreciated, as it is my pipe dream that I can make money off of this thing.

-Ed

Letter to LA Woman

LA Woman,

You have not been reading my blog. I had a very bad date. But it's not that. Things like bad dates just sort of set you off. This recession is really making me poor. I'm in little danger right now of being on the street but it sort of blew my dreams of escaping this shit, humiliating life that I live of subsidized housing and handouts. I'm also getting rapidly older. I'm running out of time and money. It is a race you see, because if I don't start the family soon, my window of opportunity will be over. I will not be able to attract 36 year olds for much longer. I've decided that I don't really want female companionship or to even use their bodies for sex. These things don't interest that much anymore. I used to believe in love but now I think that it is just pure fucking shit. I want to exploit women for their reproductive ability. This probably sounds horrible, especially since you are a woman, but this is who I am, an exploiter of women. I would certainly be loyal to them and any children they created with me. I am not a complete sleaze.

Regarding your BF, you don't need to listen to your friends and family. You don't have to listen to anyone just because they hold some authority. The only person you really need to listen to is you. I'm pretty sure you complained about buying your BF dinner. It's okay, you could complain to me. That's what friends are for. But please be sweet to him.

It was just one person at Badsumo really who wigged. But it was my own own fault. I shouldn't be posting there. I was looking for trouble. I tend to alienate people and poison relationships. People tend to disgust me and I can't help myself sometimes.

Don't worry about signing up with your real name at Badsumo. It's a private site.

I'm going to send the screenplay to your e-mail address.

Take care.

It was Harvard

I felt the need to compete with Ji-ho and put her in her place because she went to Harvard. It had nothing to do with her sex. Had she went to any school other than Harvard, Yale or Princeton I would not have felt the need to put her in her place.

This having being said, I remain unimpressed with Ji-ho. Harvard people symbolize all the unfairness of the world. I am just as smart as these motherfuckers. I deserve better. But I am relegated to a world of shit because I blew out some brain cells due to oxygen deprivation at birth. Harvard is not responsible for the injustices I suffer. They're just a symbol. I heard the word "Harvard." Buttons were pressed, and I went for her jugular. I still don't feel terribly guilty. She went to Harvard and she should have been able to handle herself better. It was however wrong of me to go after her.

The continuing madness of dating and my life.

I thought I had patched things up with Ji-ho, but now I'm convinced that she was just trying to get rid of me using elaborate lies that women often resort to. There were two things that struck me as odd during our phone convo. The first was that she said that I should know that she doesn't normally accept Unknown numbers. I told her I was using Skype to call her, that it was my business line (which is true) and that I would apply a telephone ID to the number (which I had been wanting to do anyway.) It seemed odd though that she said that. She had accepted my phone calls at that number before. Now I recognize that she was trying to identify me so that she could ignore any future calls. Also, when I said I would get back to her on trying to obtain the meeting place, why did she assume that I would get back to her tomorrow? Why not that day? Let me tell you why. Because a whole elaborate scheme had been concocted in her mind to ignore my phone call the next day, when I usually call, and this detail hadn't entered into it. It's hard to effectively lie. There's always little details that betray you. That's why I don't lie. Not because it's immoral but because my brain simply doesn't work fast enough to process all the details.

I was relieved that I didn't have to see Ji-ho again, but I went through a lot of trouble scouting the location to meet her, actually driving out there, and I just wished that she'd have made her real intentions more obvious, though I didn't mind if she needed to make up a bullshit story, so long as it's obvious, such as I'm busy with school now. Who knows? She might even return my voice mail, and this is the writings of a paranoid, but I put 5 to 1 odds that I'm right. I think that I was put off by the fact that she never thanked me after all the food and tea I bought her. I know I pushed her too hard. But she judged me too by saying that I bought the Stallone stereotype. I don't even know what the Stallone stereotype is. I just think he's a bad actor.

Elisabeth wrote me back. She was the beautiful 33 year old that canceled yesterday's date because she needed more time to pack for her trip to Ireland. I said yesterday that I was glad that Elisabeth canceled, but it was only because of the trauma of my date with Ji-ho. Elisabeth doesn't even enter the realm of my fantasies. In order for a fantasy to be a fantasy, there has to be some sliver of potential that it could be a reality, but there is just too big an age difference between us. It's just not going to happen. But I would still like to meet her. She was very quirky, making me provide a thesis for an obscure 19th century poem, though not to bust my balls. It was an easy poem. She was just feeling me out and also sharing something about herself. I thought it was very sweet and cool. She said crazy shit in her letters to me like when I was going to meet her, she said, "I will be there with bells on." What the fuck does that mean? Who cares? I love women like that who aren't afraid to be crazy. I believed her story about her needing to devote time to pack. I suspect I'll be hearing from her later at some point. Maybe I could adopt her as my daughter. We could do father daughter stuff that I've always wanted to do. I could teach her how to throw a curve ball, take her to Red Sox games, give her fatherly advice such as stay the fuck away from men.

Felicia, the 37 year old who grew up on a hippie commune didn't get back to me. I'm glad. She never seemed terribly enthusiastic. She listed herself as a bisexual. On the very first post she's telling me about how she "was blown out of the water at all the curvy goddesses" in New Orleans. I suspected this woman was very heavily into women and men were just perhaps an afterthought.

So that's it. I'm out of women to go out with. And I haven't been really working on trying to obtain more. I think that I need to go on a serious alcohol and eating binge tomorrow in order to forget the horror of most of these women, and also my work, which I cannot get done because I spend so much time and mental energy working on women. I'm also completely broke. Nobody's buying in this economy. I need to take a break from women for at least a week. I have decided that I am probably going to sign up to play softball this Spring/Summer. This in itself takes up a lot of time, energy, and resources, that I worried would take away from dating. But now I really don't think I give a shit anymore. Hitting home runs isn't nearly as good as fucking, but it's fun. And you get way more love.

I think when I get back to dating there is going to be some new rules imposed. Here's what I'm thinking:

-No more women with children. These women tend to be more difficult to deal with. They are a large sap on time and resources. And why shouldn't I have someone who is completely devoted to me? I deserve this.

-No more women with either "Dharma", or "Bodhi" in their names or phrases like "eternal optimist", "see the cup as half full", in their profile. These women are walking cliche's and a huge waste of time. They're not right for me. I was already honoring these rules but I tended to stray. I think that I will also exclude vegetarians, vegans, environmentalists, and anyone else who is single-handedly saving the world but not lifting a finger to help the homeless.

-No more women from Brookline or Newton. I was already honoring this rule but strayed and paid. I am strongly considering adding Cambridge to this list. The so-called "People's Republic of Cambridge" is just a bunch of neo-yuppie assholes now.

-No more writing Yahoo personals women as they never ever write back. For now on, I will use the Yahoo women only as a device to screen out women on other dating sites who I recognize from Yahoo. I will also familiarize myself very well with the Yahoo population as all of these woman are snobby assholes that need to be stayed away from.

-No more strong opinions voiced on dates. If a woman has very bad taste or bad ideas, I will no longer call her on it. I will just smile, nod my head in understanding, and move on.

-No more buying women anything more than coffee, tea or drinks on first dates. This is the rule that I just haven't been able to follow and I have paid dearly for. I simply cannot afford to blow over fifty bucks on first dates anymore.

-For now on, unless the woman is very young, or exceptionally interesting, I will only ask out the best looking women. This may seem counterintuitive, but beautiful women are not significantly harder to obtain dates with than average looking women. I suspect this is because men are simply afraid to ask them out. And also, average looking women give you the same amount of shit and bad attitude as good looking women, and are equally as boring. So why bother? If I'm going to have my time wasted and be humiliated, better it be with a good looking woman. Good looking women are simply nicer to look at, and it's not as humiliating to be rejected or treated like shit by them.

-For now on I am going to start writing to women who don't understand grammar or spelling at all, and who don't even try to use a spell checker for some odd reason. I have always told myself that bourgeois women are wrong for me. I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I probably have a lot more in common with uneducated women because they're poorer. This will also increase the size of my dating pool.

-I am extending my mileage radius from 20 to 35 miles. This will be more expensive and take more time and energy, but fuck it. I need to increase my dating pool.

-I will probably change my religious designation from Jewish back to atheist. While being designated as Jewish has succeeded in getting me more dates, I have very little in common with Jewish women.

I'm sure there is more stuff I can think of. When I'm binging on soup and beer at the Watch City Brewery, I'll brew up some more ideas on how I can more effectively deal with the madness of dating.

Letter to Comrad L

Dear Comrad L,

You have caught me in one my moments of depression, slight drunkenness, and existential dread.

It's hard being me sometimes. Sometimes I need to look at my fantasy woman's profile on OkayCupid just to stay straight. She is of course you. I marveled today how you seem to keep your shit together so well.

I don't know exactly what limeware or frostwire is, though they sound like things that are trying to subvert my ability to put a roof over my head.

I wish I could talk to other women as easily and freely as I talked to you. But it's always so strained and so forced and so hard with them. A beautiful 33 year old canceled a date with me today. I was grateful. I beautiful 36 year old rejected me today, telling me she was involved. I was grateful. A 37 year old who says she grew up on a hippie commune, and who expressed interest in having coffee with me didn't get back to me yet. I hope she never will. The only woman that upset me was the 45 year old, hot looking artist who gave me all this shit, coming off like I had something to hide because I told her that I preferred not to chat with her over the phone prior to meeting her, though I did give her my home and cell number. Only women over 40 have this compelling need for "chats." I refuse to do them. They make me very anxious and I disagree with the concept of screening interviews on philosophical grounds. These women are still stuck in an age before the Internet, where personal ads were 3 or 4 lines long and came out of print newspapers. You exchanged snail-mail, exchanged phone numbers, "screened" and negotiated meeting times over the phone. It was a very backwards age. I actually wanted to meet this woman. But only sort of. She didn't offer me a family. She already had her own. I guess you could say that she represented companionship, but she also represented middle age, old age, and death.

I hope you're well. I know you're working hard. Do what you need to do to take care of your own ass. You're in my thoughts. I appreciate all the sweetness you've shown me.

I will put this letter in my blog. Don't worry, I will never reveal any personal information about you. Your alias will be Comrad L.

-Ed

I blew it

I had Ji-ho. I had her laughing so loud it hurt my ears. It was easy to make Ji-ho laugh, not because she was stupid but because she was smart. Stupid people don't get my humor. I didn't question Ji-ho's intelligence. I questioned her judgment. And I challenged her, and judged her. She was Harvard educated as an English major. She had gone to film school after that. She wanted to make movies but gave up when she came to the realization that the money just wasn't there and opted instead for the safety of a straight life. What kind of a naive idiot goes to film school? At least at film school you would think that they would study Werner Herzog, but she did not even know who he was. What kind of a person who wants to make movies does not even know about Herzog?

I was a little put off when she started talking about wanting to see Julia Robert's latest work, but I didn't say anything. But once she started talking about Sylvester Stallone being a good actor and how it was hard to play a stupid person, I just had to put my foot down and seriously disagree with her evaluation of Stallone's acting ability. But then she said, in her defense, that "Rocky" was written by Stallone, as if I didn't know this, and as if this was support for her assertion that Stallone is a smart and talented person. And I just had to slip in that before Stallone did "Rocky" he was doing PORNOGRAPHY. It was said snidely. She did not have a proper come back for this and was somewhat dumbfounded. But did say later that I believed in the stereotype of Stallone being stupid. I didn't think that was a fair assessment of me. I don't know if Stallone is stupid. But there has been nothing that Stallone has done on or off camera that has ever impressed me.

The future of our relationship was over after our Stallone confrontation. In about 30 seconds, everything derailed for both of us.

I blew it. She was telling me about this great-sounding Korean food that I wanted to try, but now probably never will. She had a good, child-bearing body, 37 years old, still reproductively viable with Grade A Ivy League DNA, laughed liked hell at my jokes, smiled at me, seemed like a sweet person, but Christ how can I spend the rest of my life with someone who likes Julia Roberts and Sylvester Stallone and gives up on her artistic dreams of filmmaking because she's unwilling to put up with a little poverty? She was a woman of small dreams. I have always found that people who play it safe and don't follow their dreams to be a big turn-off.

Good Christ I could have had this woman. If only I could have played it cool I could have been fucking a nice hot woman with breasts, brains ... the whole nine yards. The only thing she lacked was taste. Why do I judge? I am some kind of an incredible asshole. Fuck me!

I'm paying for this hug.

Look, I said a lot of angry stuff in my Hug at gunpoint blog. Some was just angry talk and some was hyperbole. I know with me sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I am only now just beginning to cool down after yesterday's date. There's more I could say about this ugly (on the inside) woman Elena, how she bitched and moaned that I wasn't eating properly, how she bitched and moaned about my not finishing my food because I have trouble swallowing, and how she bitched and moaned about how I should get this problem fixed by a doctor. (And remember, I am paying for my meal and hers, that she didn't even have the fucking courtesy to thank me for.) This is only a fraction of the shit I am not telling you about this asshole woman. I could tell you more, but I'm not because I'm tired of thinking about her. She is a scourge upon my existence.

I am going to keep it cool. I will not engage in any forms of contest or competition with any asshole women in the future, though I do regret not overtly offering Elena the chance to leave when, obviously she wasn't happy and chose to insult my intelligence by making up cockamamie subtle hints that she wanted to leave. Other than politely giving rude women the opportunity to leave or just plain leaving myself, there will be no major deviations in my game plan. If women want to be assholes, let them be assholes. I will remain polite and cool and buy them their food and probably still ask for a hug. And why shouldn't I ask for a hug? I'm paying for it!

I'm Mr. Fucking Cool. These assholes my have traveled around the world and may be pretty large in their own minds, but they are not a fraction as cool as I am.

Seeking anti-matter LA Woman

Dear LA Woman,

I think you're angry about what I said about [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY]. You shouldn't be. Really. I was only kidding you, perhaps busting your gonads, but only slightly. I wasn't trying to hassle you. It was more of a statement about me than you. I don't know [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY], but I hate him because I hate rich people in general, and my attitude is to exploit the bastards at all costs. It's not about you. It's about me.

And of course your boyfriend would have green eyes. I think that we are really the same person, living in parallel universes. It's like in the Star Trek episode where the crew beamed into the anti-matter universe where their evil counterparts lived, though I am really not sure if I am your good (matter) boyfriend or your evil (anti-matter) boyfriend. I like Pacifica. Your boyfriend likes NPR. Who is the evil one? That's unclear. But I prefer to think of myself as the evil one. I think that there is perhaps an evil LA Woman lurking around the East Coast somewhere. She probably looks a lot like you and shares your interests and has your temperament, though I doubt if she's as good as you -- for she is evil!

Personal ad response to Momus

This woman was 33. My rule is not to mess with women under 36, but she looked at my profile on Fast Cupid on two separate occasions and her age range was a surprising 28-43. So I thought, what the hell...

I see that you have viewed my profile. And I don't think it's the first time. So let me just make one thing clear: You're too young and too beautiful to be viewing my profile. I'm 43. I am the elderly. You look really hot, and it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could suffer a coronary, just from looking at your photos. Do you want that on your conscience? I think not! So kindly do not endanger the lives of the aged.

On second thought, for the love of God, please write be back!

BTW, I got your intro line (well, at least I found the reference), but I cheated with Google.


-Ed

Personal ad response to Dreamy

Yes you are dreamy and have nice plump womanly cheeks that I cannot resist, and I thought I was perhaps dreaming when I came across your profile and read on and on and then I see "I pick my nose in the car." And I say to myself, I know I didn't just read that. I must be seeing things. Perhaps if I re-read that I'll see that I misread it. But, unfortunately no matter how many times I re-read it, it came out the same.

I should not be telling people what they shouldn't do, especially since I don't even know you, but you really should not pick your nose. I may have gotten a horrible staph infection that way. It ruined my life for years.

I know, I know. I've said too much. Just nervous rambling from an admirer.

-Ed

A hug at gun point

Elena said in her profile she was 5'6. I doubted that because in one of her photos, with three other women, she was towering over them. They were either dwarfs or she was an Amazon. As I expected, she was definitely not 5'6. I estimated her height to be at least 5'8, perhaps 5'9. My 5'10 was just barely taller than her. Was she really 37 as she said she was in her profile? Questionable. One of the questions she asked me was whether I would like to have children. I said yes. And she said, "I'm not for you. I'm too old to have children." I told her it wasn't a requirement, which is the truth, but I felt like saying, "You're right. You're the oldest looking 37 year old I've ever seen. Probably passed menopause at least ten years ago." (To be fair to her, she was a very good looking women with an exquisite body, whatever her real age was. She could've been a slightly encrusted 37 year old. It wasn't clear.)

I drove out to Burlington in the middle of the day to see this women in a Thai restaurant. We could have had coffee, but that's really not acceptable at noon, so I opted to buy her lunch. She did not even offer a handshake when I met her. I wanted to shake her hand but the vibe just wasn't there so I didn't force it. Towards the end of our date, if she wanted to leave I wish she could of said she had to go, not given me this, "I think they want us to leave to free up tables" bullshit. I find this sort of thing very insulting. She never thanked me for lunch, and gave me that fuck-you business-like goodbye handshake. I despise that. I didn't even ask her for a hug as I usually do, and just extended my arms. I'm not a violent person, and I don't own a gun, but if I were and had she not given me the hug, I would have held her at gun point until she did. I would have let her go after that. I just expect a little common fucking courtesy. Maybe a little thank you for the meal after dragging my ass to her neck of the woods in the middle of the day. That is all I ask. I paid for that date in more than money. I have IBS. I had to ram Glycerin Suppositories up my ass since 8:30 a.m. in order to clear my bowels so I would not have a problem. Do you have any idea how much I hate having things rammed up my ass?

On dates, women have a mental tipping point where you are officially written off. Everything said beyond that point is mere formality. I can always detect this mental shift because their body language or tone, either consciously or unconsciously makes this evident.

I've determined that this mental tipping point almost always occurs with either one of three questions, which are:

1.) So what do you do for fun?

2.) Have you traveled? (Since I haven't traveled much. This question is invariable followed by...)

3.) Why haven't you traveled?


The real answer to question 1 is that "fun" -- or what they're really trying to get at, which is recreational activities, is a luxury for people who have time and have money and aren't too completely freaked out by anxiety to have fun. If I feel the woman might have a sense of humor, sometimes I say that I'm frequently asked this question, don't have an answer, but am investigating how I might fabricate an answer to a fun activity so obscure that no one would be able to probe me about. Most of the women I think might have a sense of humor actually don't.

Elena didn't ask me question 1, but she did ask me questions 2 and 3. I don't try to dodge these questions, though I felt so defeated by Elena's reaction that I didn't even elaborate on the extent of my travels within the US. I knew it didn't matter. She was one of those assholes who has the money and time and luxury to travel and cannot understand how a person doesn't do this. It doesn't register in their minds that some people might want to do this but are not privileged enough to do this. These people may have lived in exotic lands but I can assure you that they have not learned half as much as I know about life from living in mental institutions, homeless shelters and ghettos. These cocksuckers are going to go to the grave thinking how better they are to me, but the fact is that they're petty and narrow-minded, and why is it so surprising that they're so single and alone?

I violated my no feeding-women-on-the-first-date-rule that I recently instituted with Elena. Why should I dip into my saving to feed these assholes who judge me? And if I get any more of these three show-stopping questions, I'm going to throw it right back at them. I'm going to give them my deal-breaking question, which is "Do you like the Sopranos?" Maybe I'll even ask them if they like Dostoevsky or some other difficult-to-read literature. You want to play holier-than-thou games with me? I say Bring it On! I hate being judged. It makes me very angry. They're not better than me; they just think they are.

And when I start to sense that these assholes are squirming in their seats and want to leave, I will say something like, "I am a slow eater. If you want to leave I understand." There will be no more hugs for them. And I will draw my hand out so fast to give them the have-a-nice-life handshake that they're not even going to know what hit them. I'm going to beat them to the draw. I'm going to cheat! I'm going to extend my hand to them prior to even getting up. Fuck those assholes. I don't care if I'm rude to them. They show rudeness to me by not properly reading my annual income on my profile before meeting me. Most of these women do not read my profile as evidenced by the fact that they ask me questions that are already answered in the profile. Often they ask me things I've already answered during the meeting. They are not listening to me. They're probing me. I'm tired of this shit. These bloodsuckers are making me very upset and depressed.

Non dependent on psych meds

Below is part of an interesting personal ad I just found. She would not be interested in me. I am not really dependent on psychiatric medication, but take them. I would not really be comfortable with someone who was anti-psychiatric medication also. A lot of people who think they're normal could use psychiatric medication.

I actually like the fact that she likes to stay home and have mac & cheese. I'm lactose intolerant and cannot eat this stuff, but I appreciate its trailer trash quality. It would be something I would want to do with a woman if I could.

Im a normal every day girl looking for a respectable guy, who's non dependent on psych meds. confident, and social. I enjoy going out for dinner or staying home having mac & cheese! I'm easy going, funny and fun to be around. If your interested let me know.

What I despise is the pretense. For example, women saying that they like to go to the theater. I know right away that these women are fakers because the theater in Boston sucks, and anyone with any class and taste would say, "I like to take trips to New York or L.A or London to see the theater."

You don't bring me flowers

You don't sing me love songs anymore... (Well, actually you've never even come close to singing me love songs ... unfortunately...)

I don't advise that you blog at Fast Cupid anymore. FC is no longer supporting blogs at Fastcupid.com. It's highly questionable to me whether they're going to continue to support them at their third-party sites like Nerve.com. I've stopped blogging at FC. Now I will never go back. I've proven all that I need to prove. I'm still blogging at TalkWarrior.com

I drank Wood Alcohol by accident last night -- and right before a date that I had to cancel. Very embarrassing. It truly was an accident. I would never for any reason whatsoever drink this stuff knowingly. I thought it was a cup of water, because I stupidly drink water out of the same plastic cups as I do to sterilize my nose hair clippers with wood alcohol. This would not have happened had I been so tired. But I knew the folks at the emergency room thought my explanation was insane. They looked at me like I was crazy and asked me if I had drank it on purpose.

I love how in the discharge sheet it says in the Final Diagnosis: Isopropyl Alcohol Ingestion. No duh! I could have told them that. It gives me no information about what I should eat, why I'm still nauseous, how I should treat this condition. Just pages and pages of endless, useless, canned bullshit. I have dates with women this week, so I need to know whether I'm going to survive these dates without upchucking. Furthermore, I don't want to upchuck while the urologist exams my prostate tomorrow. That would be very embarrassing and I will make a mess of the poor guy's examining room. I try very hard to avoid embarrassment. I think I've had enough for one week, though my upcoming dates will probably top any embarrassment that I've already suffered this week.

BTW, I don't see any good reason to write original content anymore for my blog. I might put some of my letters to you on my blog, like this one. Don't worry, I will mask your identity as LA WOMAN, and not say any identifiable information about you.

Did you hear my Bastard Brood of Che on Itunes?

Personal ad response to Kate

You're holding back a little in the smile in the profile pic. You don't need to. You have nice curvy cheekbones and big eyes. It's these features that make you beautiful. When you smile you accentuate these features. If I were you I would smile like hell and just let it all hang out.

I think in my next life I will be a gay photographer for super models. In this life, for better or worse, I am just a heterosexual giving armchair modeling advice to dream women on Yahoo personals.

-Ed

Retired OkayCupid ad

I exude optimism, happiness, and positivity out of every orifice of my body. If a hydrogen bomb were to drop on Boston today, I'd say, "When life gives you nukes, make nuclear families." I have made love to many celebrities, including the entire cast of the "Golden Girls." I have traveled to every country on the planet and the International Space Station. I know countless languages, and am fluent in click. I am motivated, self-confident, know what I want in life, and am fully prepared to derail anyone who gets in my way.

Actually, I am just a poor shlep with a learning disability, who scratches by. Obviously I'm jaded by the personal ad process, but not down. I am a dreamer and my dreams have always been lofty, but I continue to follow them because that is my nature. One of my dreams was to be a fiction writer, and I spent a considerable amount of my youth following this dream. I've never really given up on this, though now I exhaust my creative energies on the exceedingly boring work of the real world, which seems pretty unreal to me.

My biggest dream has always been to find a life partner. My second biggest dream has been to have a child, though I am willing to forgo the second dream for the first. I am a Socialist. An atheist. An armchair philosopher. I am too appalled by homelessness, poverty, and our violent actions against the third world to care about animal rights or global warming.

I am open to meeting any woman provided that she is not a racist, believes in evolution, and doesn't hate gays. I have a preference for people grounded in science and reality.

I actually live in Newton on the Waltham border. I chose Waltham because I don't fit into the Newton demographic group. I am poor, but not down and out. I don't expect any woman to carry me. I have never expected a woman to pay on a date with me, and I don't intend to, though I might be open to exploiting a rich woman, Republican or Democrat.

Fine print: Please be within 20 miles of where I live.

No problem, I hear AA women are easy.

After a drinking binge about a week and a half ago, where, in an angry rage, I deleted about half my face book friends (about 10), I swore off drinking the next day, after I polished off my last 3 beers until tomorrow. I realized I could not drink tomorrow, easily, because this is Massachusetts and we have some pretty wacky liquor laws due to the good ol' Catholic Church -- WHICH THINKS IT CAN AND DOES DICTATE TO EVERYONE, and, of course the good ol' Liquor Store Lobby, so I am drinking now. Yay!

I didn't swear off drinking because I thought it was a problem, because drinking helps me to deal with the misery of my life, but because my weight is beginning to spiral out of control, and drinking always makes me hungry. Alcohol alone contains awesome amounts of calories. So it is dating -- or this farce that I'm involved with that might, if you're generous, be called dating, that is keeping me straight. I go back on the wagon tomorrow for about a week. I used to have this asshole friend, and he was this big reformed alcky, and he was always like, "Ed, you should go to an AA meeting. I think you have a problem. And you could meet women at these meetings. Lots. And they're real basket cases like you. You could have them easy."

Personal ad response to jóízû

"Disappointed that people tend to isolate themselves once they find a significant relationship?" But that's the whole point. I don't think you're seeing the big picture on this.

And how did you get those squiggly things in your username? I want fancy squiggles likes that in my user name. Damn! It is just so exotic and cosmopolitan. I wouldn't even have a clue as to how even to pronounce that. I need to have that! Or at least be associated with that.

You "respect polyamour". I don't. I spit on it. I damn them! Why can't they leave us poor monogamists alone.

I think you're cute.

-Ed

Personal ad response to Reeni

I frequently suffer from an existential crisis, which is sort of a spiritual crisis. I think we can count this as a spiritual experience. I think we can look beyond these cosmetic differences in our world views.

You're cute. Why can't we all just get along?

-Ed

Personal ad response to chestnut

Hi,

Look, I'm Jewish. And we're afraid of nature. So I think I get a free pass for not being outdoorsy. And I would appreciate it if I am not discriminated against because my religion precludes me from being anywhere near a mosquito. Also, I don't think you fully appreciate the benefits of couch potatoism, and I hope that you might check into this.

I will be candid: x-country skiing is just so blah. Why x-country ski past a tree and actually see the thing when you could downhill ski by it at 50 m.p.h. You don't even see the tree at this speed. It's just a big blur. It gives a far more heightened sense of reality. It's just more fun.

And, while I'm being candid. You have some damn cute cheeks.

-Ed

My dating Seinfeld moment

Consistent with the online dating law that I live by, I had asked this woman for coffee on the 2nd e-mail I sent her. She said I moved "so fast". I politely wrote her back saying that you can't really get to know someone through e-mail. I probably also threw in my signature cuteness and flattery as well, but I knew she was most probably a lost cause. I'd give her 24 hours. If she didn't write back she never would. About three days later I deleted not only her e-mail but hid her profile. This is a psychological, symbolic thing for me which says, "I don't acknowledge your existence. I am moving on." Maybe the next day I get an e-mail from her apologizing, saying her friend's mother died, but she might be free over the weekend. I had seen this a million times before. This was sort of an up-yours way of rejecting people. I almost didn't even write her back. I didn't tell her that I was going to be busy on Sunday, because that would betray the fact that I was on to her. I opted to give her a polite e-mail saying that I understand and she could take as much time as she likes.

To my shock I get an e-mail from her saying she is free over the weekend. This broke what I thought was a universal law of the dating universe. It was a little disillusioning, because I thought I had understood the dating universe. I arranged a Saturday date with this woman. The problem was that in deleting her e-mail I had deleted her name, and had forgotten her name.

On Saturday I arrive at our meeting place, a coffee shop, a bit early. I look around. A woman is looking at me. I don't see too well without my glasses. She doesn't look like the woman in the photo. Sometimes women look a lot different than in their photos, but she is looking at me, is thirty something, so it has to be her. So I walk over to this women. I cannot say "Are you so and so?" So I say, "Hi, I'm, Ed." And she says to me. "Oh I'm not the person you're looking for." I was terribly embarrassed, apologized and made a hasty exit for the door. And she says to me as I am walking away, "I was looking at you because you looked interesting." I think that she had read my body language and knew what had happened, and she was just trying to save me some embarrassment.

Half-way into the actual date it started to really bother me that I didn't know her name, so I confided in her what had happened, and I told her the story about the woman I had mistook for her. And my date thought this was all very funny. She said, "It sounded like that woman liked you. Wouldn't it have been interesting if you had sat down with her and started talking to her." And I had not even thought about this. This was a very disconcerting thought. And I said, "I bet I would have really pissed you off." And she said "No, I'm a writer. These sort of situations are interesting for me." It was at this point that I knew that I wanted to see this woman again.