Dear LA Woman,
Facebook is destroying my life. I am going to try to stay off of it. I need to get work done. There is a small chance that I can make money doing what I'm doing -- real money to impress a woman that I can support children. Even if I make the money it probably won't be until after the recession, if there ever is an end. It's a lot of pressure and it's depressing and anxiety provoking because I'm running out of time. Things like Facebook and blogging are escapes from this shit reality. Dating is also an escape from reality. I think I'm probably better off spending all my time working. I am being much more selective now. I won't even go out with women with children anymore. Why should I? They live in a different world from me. They've had their lives. They have their lasting legacies. I want mine, or at least a women in my situation. I signed up for softball. I'm angry at myself for doing this. I should be working or at least dating. Softball doesn't get me anywhere in life. I was going to say that it gives me immediate pleasure but it gives me so much performance anxiety that it's hardly worth it.
I have to keep getting the work done, or at least try to. It is my only course of action. I feel a little badly about bitching and moaning so much to you, but I think you understand me in a way that other people don't.
I hope you're okay. You're in my thoughts.
-Ed
1 comment:
Samantha here again. Really heartening to read some word about playing softball there. It is a beautiful way to welcome the change of seasons when we get outside and participate in our community with others. Not exactly volunteering but it is better than fretting. Fretting and anxiety rarely achieve what we hope they will. And hard work can sometimes leave us simply drained. You mentioned in a post a while ago that you are on disability. That's great, not the disability (whatever it is) but that you are taken care of. And it should give you the freedom to simply breath. Breath softball. Breath joy. Breath Spring. You will become the attractive magnetic person I know you are when you release the anxiety and simply trust. Trust spring. Trust that the next check will arrive. Trust that you are taken care of and do not have to fret or panic. Fret and panic are unattractive. Playing softball. Getting together with a reading group once a month. Volunteering with kids or at a museum or for a shelter or at a library or school... these things saved my life and are attractive. Have some place that needs you at least a few days a week. Like I say... it's where I met my partner.
All the best,
Sam
PS -- I will be sharing your adventures outside with my acquaintance who pointed me toward your blog.
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