A FastCupid blog post I never posted

I wrote this for the FastCupid blog but never posted it:

There is a whole little universe within a universe operating here. It revolves whether I'm here or not.

I could tell you how I'm doing, but people who know me know that I'm probably going to tell you that I'm miserable, lonely, and completely obsessed with a need to create my own family. What many of you don't know is that I have become Captain Ahab and am fully prepared to sacrifice everything in pursuit of my dream.

I pass up perfectly good 44 year olds who write me, and instead chase the elusive 34 year olds that will go out with me. It has nothing to do with getting a better fuck. I really don't care about sex. As horny as I am, my need for sex is the least of my problems. A younger me would never conceive that I would say something like this.

One of the provocateurs on this site stated that I could not get laid. I did not reply to him, but this is really not true. I haven't had sex since 2001, but I've had opportunities to get sex from women my own age within the last few years. I turn down these opportunities because when they present themselves I worry about all the time my having sex with women will take up. That is time that could be better spent plotting to put myself into a position where I can increase my odds of finding someone I can start a family with. In addition, it raises moral issues, which I'm not going to get into.

I have only so much MOJO left in the tank. And right now I'm running on fumes. All I have to do is get just a little bit older, and I will not be able to attract reproductively viable women, anywhere. As the impending doom of age encroaches it takes me further down the road of panic, desperation, and perhaps madness.

The stuff I do when going mad at 4:30 a.m.

I used to read novels, historical books, but now I just read personal ads of people from all over the world. I often do this at night. I am often slightly mad at this time.

I came across a woman from Bulgaria who expressed a very strong desire to live in the USA. I wrote the following to her. She didn’t write back. I didn’t expect her to. By the way, she smoked:

I'm not sure why you want to go to the USA so badly. There's no work here unless you work for the medical industry. And if you smoke in my country you're treated like a leper. Cigarettes in the USA are probably pushing $10.00 USD a pack. You need to be rich to smoke.

I look forward to getting out of the USA. I look forward to working some day. I recommend you go to Western Europe, maybe France or the UK. They have better social programs there. These are more civilized societies.

The good stuff

I don't need to make love to women anymore because the pure deliciousness of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is just as good. The only problem is that my DNA and this beer's DNA cannot combine for the purposes of reproduction. I will need to work on this...

Stay away from this Craigsist guy

I made an appointment and had a verbal agreement with the craiglist handyman in the ad below, an entire week in advance for him to repair my screen window. He did not show. He did not warn me that he was unable to make it. When I called him to find out why he didn’t show up for the appointment, he said “It slipped my mind.” He goes by the name “John” or “JP”.

Handy Man Service (Greater Boston)

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Date: 2009-10-24, 6:03PM EDT
Reply to: purcifull121@hotmail.com ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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(PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER WITH ANY INQUIRIES SO I CAN CONTACT YOU)

All type of Home Maintenance/Handyman Services including but not limited to:

Apartment/Home Renovation

Interior & Exterior Painting, Plastering & Insulation Installation

Tiling, Hardwood, Tile & vinyl flooring, cabinet repair & installation

Building & Repairing decks. Deck cleaning, staining, painting, repairs of stairs, steps & railings

Wood rot repair, framing, shelves & cabinets, trim work & molding

Window & door install & repairs, Caulking windows and doors, screen installation, removal & repairs, glass install & replacement, plaster repairs

Yard Work, Install Shelves & Organizers, Raking, Snow Shoveling, Picture & Mirror Hanging, Basement & Garage clean up specials, child proofing homes, install knobs & deadbolt locks, repair drawers,repair & install all house fixtures.

FREE ESTIMATES - NO PROJECT IS TOO SMALL (IF YOU DO NOT SEE THE SERVICE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR LISTED HERE, PLEASE INQUIRE)
QUALITY GUARANTEED - REFERENCES AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST

JP 617-416-7448

Getting in touch with the dead

I really need to learn a better way of concealing my laughter when my dates talk about their belief in making contact with the dead.

Maybe I can insert a thumbtack in my footwear, and when the urge comes on to laugh or even smile, I can very quickly give myself some searing pain in order to counter the comedy.

Johnnycakes, they kick ass

True students of "The Sopranos" will have the word Johnnycakes indelibly etched into their memories. I needed to fully experience the Sopranos experience, so finally got around to making Johnnycakes. Johnnycakes are pancakes that are made partially with corn meal.
I didn't have milk as the recipe called for. I substituted a cup of heavy cream for the milk. (You might also describe what I made as Artery Blocker Cakes.)

The Johnnycakes were incredibly awesome. I'll never eat another regular pancake again. They're too doughy. The addition of cornmeal removes the chewiness from pancakes and gives them a nice granular texture. You barely need any maple syrup because there's no need to compensate for the blandness of regular pancakes. Here's what Johnnycakes look like. Not too bad for a first try.

 

Got the recipe here:

http://southernfood.about.com/od/cornbread/r/bl01002g.htm

Grilled at 375 degrees.

I added one tea spoon of baking soda, not called for in the recipe.

Review: River Ale — Pretty Gamey

Actual price in store: $4.34 (1 PT 6FL. OZ)
Actual worth: $2.00

Some people like wild salmon. For me it is funky tasting. Uncivilized. Drinking River Ale is sort of like eating a gamey, wild salmon. While there are worse things, the experience is slightly revolting.

There is this weird, oily texture to this ale. It’s very viscous. Sort of like a very heavy cough syrup. If you look at the ale, the contents don’t look uniform. It looks as if someone took a ladle and scraped it against the bottom of the fermentation tank and bottled it.

But this is okay. Really. Forget about how it looks. It’s taste that matters and River Ale is, how can I put this gently — an ale for people who are in touch with their feminine sides. River Ale is sweet. Way too sweet for what I would consider appropriate for an ale, yet not sweet enough for you to appreciate the aesthetic of sweetness. I think that had this ale been sweeter it might possibly have been interesting.

Some people love wild salmon and prefer it to farm-raised. Some people like their alcohol with plenty of sugar in it so it tastes like liquid candy. That’s okay. It’s just not my thing. I think River Ale has a serious identity crisis. I think the makers of River Ale are out of their minds to charge as much for their ale as they do.