Monday, May 04, 2009

My best personal ad response ever

It is bullshit that they don't give Nobel Prizes for personal ad responses, for this personal ad response I gave this woman is pure, unadulterated genius. It is genius because she gave me absolutely nothing to go on. She was a medical doctor. I almost always write doctors. It is a matter of principal. They never write back. It doesn't deter me. It is a symbolic statement to the world: I am just as smart as you are. Doctors don't intimidate me. Bring it on!

Doctors usually have profiles reflecting the fact that they lack culture and have no life. I don't hold it against them because of how demanding their lives are. I think I would be perfect for a doctor because I am fun, can expand their horizons, give them lots of love, and challenge them intellectually, though not as a contest. Doctors tend to be fucking health nuts and this doctor was no exception as she talked about doing this Pan-Mass Challenge race This is a stupid yuppie bike race/charity event. I went out with an English prof who did this and the prof was boring as shit. I bet my pulse and blood pressure and cholesterol level is vastly lower than anyone in this race, and I don't exercise and eat like shit. And despite all this I look good for my age. I hate people who waste their lives trying to live forever. Your destiny is largely already written in your DNA.

This doctor's profile, like many doctors was downright inane. Beyond the Pan-Mass Challenge, she listed all the specific types of pork products she didn't like and all the specific vegetables she liked and didn't like. (You really get the sense that this woman has no clue about what it feels like to get laid.) Unless you're a fellow exercise maniac, how do you respond to an excruciatingly boring person like this? How do you win? This is where my genius comes in. The genius of my response is not so much the response but in how little I had to work with to come up with the response. This was the most boring woman on the planet. She only seemed adept at listing foods she didn't like. It was simply pathetic.


I represent the Pork Product Industry of America. It has come to my attention that you have expressed your dislike of pork products. I ask that you cease and desist from defaming these fine foods immediately. Failure to comply will result in my informing my friends at the Brussel Sprout Commission. And I assure you, they are very proud of their very cutely named vegetable and they don't take too kindly to libel.

On a more serious note, I think you're cute.


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