Sunday, May 31, 2009

Final thoughts on Nancy

Who has shaped my personality the most in the fourth decade of my life? It is not Werner Herzog or Ho Chi Minh or Zhou Enlai. It is Nancy, the crazy Romanian woman living in Dubai who stated she is from New York City in her dating profile and stalks men on the American Singles dating website.

Nancy is the smartest person I’ve ever talked to. I’ve never talked to anyone who was both as articulate and funny as Nancy. Nancy was a believer in all kinds of magical bullshit, was partial to new age mystical nonsense, and could not argue for shit, but I believe it is because she was never trained to use her brain to reason. This was a woman who was guided by the world of magic and, if I am going to believe her very convincing story, a burning desire to have children.

Nancy was Captain Ahab come to life. She was not chasing White Whales but white men – white American men to have babies with. She didn’t care who she hurt in the process, including herself. When I’d teleconference with her she chain smoked and drank and drank and she was not a nice drunk. She would get mean and nasty and domineering.

Perhaps I give Nancy too much credit for intelligence. She had no strategic sense. Instead of busting my balls, she should have coaxed me into trying to get a job in the real world. Gently persuaded me. That would probably have worked. I would have at least tried had she not been a Nazi, domineering bitch. I am very dubious about my working in the real world succeeding. It never has before because of my learning disability. She kept saying to me, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” It was more of that magical thought. She thought you could just wish problems away through the power of not being lazy.

Let’s face facts. Let’s stop glorifying Nancy. Yes, she was beautiful and had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. She would have made a spectacular fuck and made me laugh, but that is all. She would have given me enough anxiety and pain-in-the-ass to kill me. If I managed to impregnate her, I’d never make it through the gestation period. It would be death through beration. Nancy reminded me most of my mother, a Borderline. Nancy would have made a shitty mother. Her children would either be insane or evil. I really don’t think I’m rationalizing when I say that Nancy was not a good baby making prospect, because she was too fucked up in the head to raise children to be human beings.

Nancy had a hard life. So did I, though she didn’t acknowledge the hardness of my life, nor I suspect of anyone else’s. Having a hard life doesn’t excuse you from being an asshole. I would even argue that having a hard life gives you an even greater moral burden.

I haven’t deleted Nancy from my Skype yet. I really have no desire for her any longer. I have decided to keep her in my Skype because I know that people like her sometimes come back when they can’t find what they’re looking for. I want the opportunity to reject her, and it would be done very subtly. Maybe it’s best to delete her and get rid of her completely. I will consider this.

As much as I hate Nancy I have tremendous respect for her. She is somewhat of a God to me, like Herzog. Nancy and Herzog are the same animals. Herzog said that he was ready to shoot Klaus Kinski and then himself if Kinski followed through with his threat of walking off the set of his movie, shot in the middle of the Amazon. I believed Herzog. Herzog was so devoted to his mission that nothing else mattered. When I asked Nancy why she smoked if she wanted to have a child she said that she would quit if she became pregnant. I pointed out to her that she could still die of lung cancer after she had a child. She didn’t seem to give a shit. She couldn’t see beyond the mission, which was making babies and having a “lasting legacy” as she called it. As warped as Nancy was, she grasped life by the fucking balls like no one else I have ever talked to. She was the most alive person I’ve ever known. She passed some of this on to me, and I was indelibly changed by her.

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