Up Yours Universe

The closest I've ever come to committing suicide was 23 years ago. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills and two over-the-counter medications. I didn't think the sleeping pills would kill me, at least not in any reasonable time-frame. I was using them as a sedative. But I had reasonable intelligence that the cocktail of the other medications would kill me. What I lacked was a good time frame of how quickly I would die. And this was a real problem, because I didn't want to take the chance of being found alive with these drugs causing permanent damage to my internal organs. And I'd be committed, which would make my life far worse. Suicide was very risky and it also wasn't a viable solution to my problems, because while death alleviates your pain, it doesn't give you what you want. I kept the pills around for about six months. It's probably difficult for people who've never suffered with depression to understand that those drugs I bought to kill myself were not really so much to kill myself, but a failsafe in case things got so hairy that I had no choice. This is going to be very difficult to understand, but the instruments of my destruction gave me comfort. They gave me what I needed to keep going.

The Casual Encounters Craig's List ad I wrote in the previous blog, which was set to be published on CL, pending the outcome of Sunday's date will not be published. It's publication has been suspended indefinitely, though I have safely filed it away. It is my failsafe. It is what I need to "romantically" keep going. Note that I have no plans to kill myself. If I did I assure you I would not tell anyone.

I am not a prude. In fact I consider myself to be hypersexual. But I will be blunt when I say that promiscuity disgusts me. I will no longer be exploited by women. If I'm only good enough to be fucked by them, well, fuck them! Being with women like this is undignified and goes against my survival instinct. CL is not a viable solution to my problem. I know this in my heart. It is a waste of resources. Time and energy devoted to obtaining a very cheap and shallow lay could be better put towards finding a healthy and normal relationship with a normal woman.

I had a bad run of luck recently and I got depressed and frustrated. But I am not going to concede defeat to this asshole universe. I am better than this universe. It should be grateful that I'm around. Maybe tomorrow I will be weak, but today I am a man and I say fuck you, universe!