The Walmart Strategy

I followed my dream today of being a pool boy by buying a swimsuit at Target for the lifeguard course I will be taking next week. As pathetic and comical as this dream is, a dream is a dream.

Target didn’t have much in the way of swimsuits. A lot of stupid, loud colors and patterns; however, I came across a navy colored swimsuit with little white anchors stitched all over it. It was the most gayest swimsuit I’ve ever seen and, despite the fact that it lacked a front pocket –- I had to have it! I was in love with how cute it was. I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that looked overtly gay, but this swimsuit sent an understated yet overwhelmingly powerful message that you are gay and you are proud! -- and I loved the concept. The large swimsuit was too small on me, and they didn’t have an extra large, so I opted for a very plain and boring swimsuit for fifteen dollars.

I saw a baseball hat that I fell in love with too. It was a Bud Lite hat, and normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in a hat like that, but this hat had a bottle opener embedded in its bill. It was so trailer trashy that I instantly fell in love with the hat and needed to have it, but I am like, very low on funds and opted to deny to myself the object of my love.

While I looked for the swimsuit, there was an old guy talking on his cell in Russian, using very common Russian words and phrases that I had learned last year in order to live in Siberia or Moldova. The plan was to find a woman there to create a child with and teach English; now that I have switched my strategy to looking for impoverished women in the U.S. to create a child with, the Russian and the English that I devoted so much time to learning is fairly useless. A year ago I could understand a lot of what he was saying, but now I had no idea what his words meant. It made me sad to know that I will never be able to live in a foreign land where the most beautiful language in the world is spoken. English and Spanish and German are ugly and vulgar languages. You don’t fully realize this until you’ve studied Russian. I have always despised and wanted to escape the U.S. I hate its right-wing assholes (including its right-wing wannabe --Barrack Obama) and I hate its fuck you attitude. I will not have the time nor money to ever escape this place, as I will be up to my eyeballs in shit soon. I have Obama to thank for taking away my publicly funded fuel assistance and for taking away my tax credit for the poor, and thus raising my taxes. I need these things, for I will be joining the ranks of the working poor soon, if I am lucky enough to get jobs. (This is plural, for I will need more than one job.) I will still be fucked up the ass by the drug companies. I am not sure if Obama’s overly-confusing healthcare program will cover me at all. It won’t help me in the near future, when I will need it. That I know.

I voted for Obama and he fucked me. You liberal-minded middle-classers with your spending cash (even if it is not too much) and your semi-comfortable lifestyles are next in line to be fucked by this wolf in sheep’s clothing. I hope that you will remember my words before casting your vote for Obama again. Obama is a war-mongering, right-wing suck-up. I advise voting for Mickey Mouse. Our democracy has been bought and sold. If you really want a change, start a revolution.

Hell might possibly be South Florida

“Come to Florida,” my father said. “You can buy cheap real-estate.” You have the money! Such shit.

Everyone wants to be in South Florida. Everyone loves South Florida. It is so warm. What a wonderful place, with its densely packed wide roads full of SUVs and trucks and plain old cars driven by rednecks with memorial tributes to their dead friends on their rear windows and their bumper stickers that say “God bless our troops especially our snipers.” Such good people in Florida -- and what scenery -- a Walgreens on every corner; no, I’m exaggerating, some corners actually have CVS’s. Drive any rode and you will either see a strip mall or a condo complex. They really know how to pack them in in South Florida. Condos litter the landscape. What little orange groves and farmland is left is rapidly being converted to condos. Why buy food locally when you can burn more fossil fuel and make the world good and hot by importing your food halfway across the world? They live in their condos behind gates, surrounded by palm trees. An illusionary island in a sea of congestion, sameness, and madness. The strip malls look alike. They all feature a Publix, Walmart, Walgreens, Subway, a pizza store, and a Asian restaurant. Yes, occasionally there is some variation; but they are the same entity. Often there are zombies standing outside the strip malls waving signs to entice people to come in. Sometimes they are dressed up in stupid costumes. It is all normal in this anti-universe.

I was awed by how fat people’s asses were in South Florida. South Florida is barely above sea-level as it is. How do they pack in all that ass into all those cars and condos and shopping establishments without weighing the bottom half of the state down? I really thought that. I’m not talking about a lot of people with relatively fat asses, I’m talking about a huge mass of people with giant elephant asses. At some point the weight of all this ass is going to cause the bottom half of the state to sink into the ocean. We don’t need to worry about global warming sinking Florida.

MBTA–they suck smegma pungent gonad.

What are the chances of this request (below) being honored in our lovely free and open and transparent democracy? I think zero. The MBTA is the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority. The MBTA is comprised of high-salaried civil servants who run our public transit system. Do you think that they are grateful to have their cushy jobs and to serve the people? No. The MBTA contains some of the rudest and most belligerent motherfuckers on the planet. I once saw a bus driver literally using his bus as battering ram to knock down some poor guy in front of the bus who wanted to get on. Every time the guy would regain his balance after being knocked back by the bus, the bus would inch forward to hit him again. The bus driver did not want to let the guy on because he had already closed his door. And this happened in the middle of winter. I can tell you many stories about these fucking scum. The MBTA is one of the reasons why I hate humanity.

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Dear MBTA,

On February 3, 2010, at 6:15 p.m., I was exiting the Chestnut Hill Mall from the Route 9 side, with my car.

An MBTA bus #60 was behind me as I attempted to take the left onto Route 9. It was especially difficult and dangerous for me to make this left turn, as there was a snow mound obscuring my vision and, as you can image, given the time of day, there was a lot of traffic.

Within 10 seconds of my attempt to take this left onto Route 9, your bus driver started honking his or her horn. I stuck my hand out of my window using a halting gesture, indicating to your bus driver that I acknowledged his or her wanting me to proceed and that this was not helping; however, it was still not possible for me to safely take this left. Your bus driver menacingly inched his or her bus in back of me as I attempted to exit. Your bus driver increased his or her honking until it was non-stop.

I don't believe that it took longer than 30 seconds for me to take this left onto Route 9. I believe your bus driver's behavior towards me was unwarranted, discourteous, and very dangerous.

I demand a copy of any electronic record that you may have of this incident.

Thank you,

Dickie Richards

I fucking hate cooperate art

I want to destroy corporate art, as they did in Fight Club. I especially despise this piece of corporate art, as it is right in the middle of the fucking sidewalk.

A big turd-like piece of cooperate art, right in the middle of the goddamned street in Boston.

It lies right in front of the Bank of America building. It no doubt belongs to BOA. BOA property blocking a publicly owned property -– the sidewalk, while public funds are used to bail-out BOA after fucking us.

What I’d like to know is how BOA gets away with blocking our sidewalk with this monstrosity. It is fucking criminal. Probably a good thousand people have accidently stumbled into it at night. It has probably bruised, battered, and broken the bodies of poor unsuspecting bystanders.

Work here because we are assoles with pissy attitudes

All this ballbusting and not one mention of how much these fuckers are willing to pay. I betcha it’s minimum wage. Shits.

Good Work Ethic (Hialeah, FL)

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Date: 2011-01-06, 8:35AM EST
Reply to: job-qeuvg-2146342538@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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****** Please read this posting in its entirety before responding to this job posting. ******
Looking for a person that meets the following criteria:
1. BE DRUG FREE
2. GOOD WORK ETHIC
3. VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE WITH YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION TO AND FROM WORK
4. MUST HAVE A BACKGROUND IN CARPENTRY AND/OR MANUFACTURING
5. SPEAK FLUENT ENGLISH (SPANISH IS A PLUS)
The individual that gets hired for this position will be expected to perform the following:
* Be on time for work every day and work a full day
* Be ready to put in a full day's work
* Be able to take direction and work with minimal supervision
We normally work 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. However we may require you to extra hours that may include weekends. This is a very physical job so be ready and willing to work. Our company specializes in the cabinet industry. You will be trained to use the different types of machinery in the shop. Sometimes you will be running the machinery and sometimes you will be cleaning, packaging or delivering material. In other words, do not apply if you do not want to work. Also, if you can not get along with fellow co-workers and you are the type of person that likes to complain and/or be lazy then please do not apply for this position. Do not expect us to beg or try to entice you to work for us as we will not waste our time in doing so. We want to be impressed by your sincere attitude and work history.
So, if you are still reading this ad and you feel that you can become an asset to this company then please forward your resume via email for review with your contact information. It is EXTREMELY important to provide your resume. We will not bother to contact you or even consider you for this position if you do not provide a resume.

• Location: Hialeah, FL
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Douglas State Forest

The most fun part of my journey from Boston to Southeast Connecticut, where I play poker, is driving through the Douglas State Forest in Douglas, Massachusetts. From Massachusetts, once you drive through the forest, you’re in Connecticut, only there are no signs telling you so. I choose this unusual route because I can no longer drive on highways. On this day, I encountered a strange animal while driving through the forest…

Forest road,  at one point it gets exceptionally narrow.

 

Notice there is green to the left and right – you are in the middle of a forest. Garmin GPS device, which I have since returned, was wrong about the street. It’s actually S.E. Main St.

 

I came upon some type of wild animal while I was coming back, perhaps a baby moose.

No, it wasn’t a moose, it looked dog-like, but it couldn’t be a dog – it way way too big to be a dog. Maybe it was a hybrid moose/dog. Perhaps it’s genetically possible to combine both moose and dog.

Whatever it was, it scared the crap out of me. It looked mangy, so I threw it some bologna that I had, but there was no way in hell I was getting out my car.

Then, the weirdest thing happened. Some young and very hot looking woman going the opposite way stopped her car and asked me if I was the dog’s owner. She got out of her car and inspected the dog, completely fearless of both the giant dog and a strange man (me) in the middle of a forest.

The dog had a collar yet no tags. It might’ve belonged to a hiker, yet it might also have been lost. The woman cell-phoned some animal shelters. I had tried to feed the dog some water out of my hand, but that didn’t work. The dog didn’t understand what I was trying to do. There was nothing more that I could do. I left. I didn’t take any photos of the hot young woman. That would not have been polite. You’ll just have to trust me on this.

Just another damn day above ground…

Hi Kitty,

You don't have to be sorry. We never made firm plans. The English teaching job situation for Americans wanting to get full-time work (with work permits) in Hungary seems very gloomy, as it is in all of Central Europe. So, taking the course in Hungary probably won't afford me any real advantages beyond seeing Europe. I really did want to see Budapest; however, your language scares the living crap out of me -- and I do not have time to study even enough of it to get by, which would take months. This creates an additional disincentive not to go. I still haven't made up my mind; I will in about a month. Despite my anxieties, I might go because I know that if I don't see Europe now I never will, as I have no more money coming in. Maybe, if I go, I can get one of my classmates or students to drive me to Lake Balaton. (I'd of course pay for a rental.) I'm actually more interested in seeing the countryside than the city. I feel suffocated by cities and want to escape.

I have no idea what is going on with your stay in Italy. I am a little afraid to ask. I don't know if this is work-related, you have a mysterious Italian lover, or this part of your duties as a secret agent. Your mastery of English exceeds that of all Hungarians who teach English on OkayCupid. You are perhaps a spy, trained by some spy agency. I am of course kidding, but, well, you never know...

-Dickie

Some type of predatory bird

Update on the loser, Michael Phillips

I did a nine part series about a loser named Michael Phillips.

I have some recent information to report about this piece of human garbage.

He now owns Bukowski.net, where there’s an ad on his main page linking to a book on Amazon called Charles Bukowski's Scarlet, printed by a no-name publisher. Michael Phillips is the first to leave his comment on Amazon and, as one would expect of one who makes money off of the very product he is reviewing, gives it an excellent review. I would not be surprised if Phillips was involved in publishing this book. I have never read this book; I have no interest in assholes like Phillips who exploit Bukowski’s name for profit.

Other interesting facts that I’ve learned about Phillips are that not only does he sell his own book, alternative man, on Amazon, but he also writes a glowing review about it on Amazon. I feel bad for any poor bastards who might actually have bought this book. Phillips’ Bukowski derivative poetry really sucks giant elephant penis. I would show you some examples on the Internet, but Phillips seems to have removed these examples after I previously pointed them out.

E-mail to an old friend

Hi Monique!

I'm still alive, and I still worry about you -- you were sort of like an adopted daughter to me.

Are you still in Boston, in law school?

I am not in Eastern Europe yet, but plan to go to Hungary in April for an EFL course. I still need to pass the interview. I am very good at botching EFL interviews, having botched two for the Boston course.

I have taken up being an alcoholic and buy beer not by the six pack or even case, but by the 30 can suitcase like a maniac. If they sold beer by the crate, I'd gladly buy it, as I need to drink in volume in order to stay sane so that I can study English grammar, which no one in their right mind would or should do.

How are you?

-Dickie

Not runnin’ on Dunkin’

Dunkin' Donuts advertising that "America runs on Dunkin'" is an egregiously blatant lie! I ordered an extra large Dunkin' Donuts coffee in order to wake myself out of my zombie-like stupor so that I could get some work done. Drinking the coffee was like drinking a tall glass a water.

On the reservation (mostly)

The Foxwoods casino in Mashantucket, Connecticut now lets me stay at their hotel for free, two nights a week. (The privileges of playing poker.)

View of the MGM Grand from my hotel room in the Hotel Grand Pequot Tower.

This is the only hotel I’ve ever stayed in that I haven’t hated. It was quite fancy, clean, quiet, and everything worked.

Two plump virgin toilet paper rolls – how often do you see that?

In case you need to make a phone call while indulging in all the toilet paper they give you.

That’s brass, baby!

View from hotel room.

Another view.

Ceramic coffee mugs!

Real glass cups! Was I in hotel heaven or what?

Isn’t it cool how they stack ‘em?

You can buy "The X-Files" on demand for $20.00. I love the "X-Files" ... but wait a minute, that's not Agent Mulder -- and if you look really closely, that's not Agent Scully -- and that's not really the "X-Files" - it's "The Sex Files." What a gyp....

It really makes me nervous that people have watched pornography in the same bed that I'm sleeping in....

Pequot Museum, near the casino; still on the reservation. I loved the crap out of this place!

I spent three hours here and ran out of time; I didn't get to see a lot of the museum. I really, really loved the crap out of this place.

View of casino from the museum tower.

Shadow of museum tower.

Another view from the museum tower.

View from museum tower.

This is one of the few places in the museum where they let me take photos.

Shot off the reservation, coming home; I'm pretty sure that this guy didn't vote for Obama.

The other Bridges

I worry about Jeff Bridges' brother, Beau Bridges. Unlike Jeff who is a handsome, well-respected, and well-known actor, Beau has scary eyebrows and is only vaguely remembered as Jeff's brother in "The Faboulous Baker Boys." I worry about Beau; I worry about his mental stability. If I were Beau, I would need some hard-core pharmacological agents in order to stay straight.

How ‘bout speaking some English, Hil

Today on Democracy Now, Secretary of State Clinton said the following:

"If anyone reading the stories about these alleged cables thinks carefully, what they will conclude is that the concern about Iran is well-founded…."

anyone is a singular pronoun; accordingly, only singular pronouns may be used with it. Clinton says, their, a plural pronoun. This is, how shall I say it -- fucking wrong! Below, I correct her fucked-up English:

"If anyone reading the stories about these alleged cables thinks carefully, what he or she will conclude is that the concern about Iran is well-founded…."

Noam Chomsky came on later and refuted Clinton’s claim, saying, basically, that King Fahd was a dictator and that his feelings about blowing up Iran are not representative of public option among ordinary people in the Saudi-Arabia and the Middle-East.

I think that before Secretary Clinton tells what people who “think carefully” should think, she should stop fucking embarrassing me by thinking more fucking carefully about her English.

Grammar and the ridiculous

Which sentence is correct:

You are acting ridiculous.

or

You are acting ridiculously.

I thought that the first sentence, which uses ridiculous, is correct. In this instance, acting ridiculous appears to be a phrase, perhaps a gerund phrase, which acts as a complement to the linking verb be. Accordingly, you would use the adjective ridiculous and not the adverb ridiculously.

I called numerous grammar hotlines. All except for one said that the second sentence, which uses the adverb ridiculously, is correct. These people are convinced that act is the main verb and can’t even entertain the possibility that be is the main verb. They all seemed lacking in grammatical terminology. One woman finally agreed with me, but I think that she only did so because she felt bullied by me and didn’t want to deal with me anymore.

The one grammar hotline, which seemed to have some clue about English, offered me this advice, which seemed the most viable: Both sentences are correct. The first describes the person, and the second describes the behavior of the person.

I am still not completely sure what the answer is, though I am pretty sure that there are few, if any, grammarians alive.

Stuff that you do when you have too much time on your hands….

Scary-as-fuck, abandoned mental hospital in Preston, CT

This place scared the hell out of me; I was so glad to get my ass back into the car and get the hell out of there. The place seemed familiar to me because I’m pretty sure they shot a low-budget horror movie there. You can find this God-forsaken place on Route 12 in Preston, CT.

Animals that I saw while in Connecticut

I saw some dwarf camels…

…and a giant chicken…