Our Presidents...

Our Presidents, after smoking some seriously good shit.

Charles River, after the great rain of 2010

The genital suckers who insure my car

Arbella

Claims Department Head

P.O.Box 699195

Quincy, MA 02269-9225

Dear Sir or Madam,

On 26 March 2010, a Kia SUV, driven by Elizabeth Kim collided into the side of my car while I was parked. I contacted my insurance agency, [undisclosed]. Shortly afterward, a woman called me from Arbella to tell me that an adjuster will be contacting me in order to set up an appointment to have my car evaluated.

On 3 April 2010, someone who called himself Phil, who said he was with Arbella, left a voice mail for me saying that he was an appraiser and was interested in setting up an appointment with me in order to have my car appraised.

I called him the next day around 11:00 a.m. in order to make an appointment with him. He told me that he had already come by that day, and that he had already appraised my car. Phil asserted that there was no damage done to my car and objected to my assertion that the car had been damaged.

I am puzzled by why, if I was home, he did not ring my bell. Phil told me that he had taken numerous photos. Since there was a row of hedges not one foot away from my car, and a severe rainstorm going on at the time, I am puzzled by how Phil was able to take proper photos and be able to do a proper assessment of the damages.

The next day, when it was dry, I drove my car out of my space and took numerous photos of the damage done to my car by Ms. Kim. I have overwhelming evidence of scratches going along the entire length of the side of my car that was hit by Ms. Kim's Kia. Even after all that rain, I could still see the paint from Ms. Kim's Kia. I not only have numerous scratches, but a dent. I also photographed how my car was parked at the time in which Phil asserted that he took these photos, demonstrating that it was not remotely possible to do any type of proper assessment, had he in fact been there. I also have someone who witnessed my parking of my car, who can verify that my car was parked in the position that I stated it was.

I called Karen Cormier the next day and left a voice mail informing her of what had happened with Phil. I also asked her to contact me. She did not do so. No one from Arbella has contacted me since Phil asserted that he had done the assessment.

I demand that my car be assessed properly, by a professional assessor, and that he or she makes an appointment with me in order to go over the damages.

Just let it die

I have never seen so much rain. I've never experienced a warmer March. Is it global climate change? Perhaps. Now Obama wants to drill as well as kill. And there's nothing that anyone can do about it because there is no less backward alternative to Obama in sight. And even if there was, the planet may already be fucked.

Maybe instead of going down with this sinking ship bitching and moaning we should embrace the good aspects of humanity and the great progressive we've made throughout our history, not only technologically, but socially. While it has been slow, we have made progressive and collectively improved ourselves.

I once heard Bukowski talking in an interview about all these people who want to save the human race. He said, why should we save it, just let it die. He was essentially saying that the human race was not worth saving. I think that we are just as deserving of being saved as any other animal, but that perhaps we should not get so fucking bent out of shape if we can't be saved, and not waste energy saving something which is probably not in our nature to be saved. You may say that I am a defeatist, but take a good look at our current situation and offer me a realistic and viable solution.

Our intensive use of resources which has allowed us to dominate as a species is what will probably fuck us. I expect that humans, because of their intelligence, will continue to exist, despite radical climactic shifts, however it will be in a dark age that we will exist is. Future generations will probably look back at us in anger, and accuse of annihilating the world. They will overlook the fact that they are the same animal as we, that it is in our nature to exploit the fuck out of everything, and without this nature, we wouldn't have survived as a species.

Speak English, fucker

I was listening to Jay Severin while driving in my car. I hate this right-wing fucker. He makes a living off of bashing Mexicans. When he starts to feel cornered in an argument with one of his callers, he calls them a homo and ends the conversation.

As usual, today he bragged about how many women he sexed it up with during his college days at Vassar. This ugly fucker might have gotten a lot of sex in college, but I can assure you that when this sex was done with people that it was quite imaginary. Women just don't dig ugly. Trust me on this.

JaySev was also talking some shit today that I've never heard of. He claimed to have been arrested thirty times protesting for civil rights. He claimed to be a close associate of Abbie Hoffman and, if I remember correctly, Jerry Rubin. I'm surprised he didn't say he was a member of the Chicago seven.

JaySev made this statement about his close Yippie associates:

"I had ran with those guys..."

That made me pause for a second. It sure didn't sound like correct English.

When I stopped I pulled out my verb conjugator iPod app that I had bought for $2.99. I was able to verify that this fucker cannot speak proper fucking English. You can not say "had ran." You can say "had run" if you want to form the past perfect tense. In this case, JaySev was trying to express the simple past tense, so he should not have stuck an auxiliary verb in front of "ran." He should have said "I ran with those guys." I'm sure that if JaySev saw me criticizing him like this he would immediately call me a homo. Everything contrary to JaySev is homo.

What bothers me is that this fucker acts as the English Police, having shitfits when people speak Spanish. If you're going to appoint yourself as the English Police and make money off of bashing Spanish speakers, you better speak fucking English yourself. Otherwise you just look like right-wing, jaw-flapping asshole.

Facebook, cannot do it anymore

This was a FastCupid blog post.

The defrienders don't bother me that much, it is the frustration and agony of trying to figure out who the hell it was who did the defriending.

There are many things that I hate about FB. Some of you here are my FB friend, some of you are too good to be my FB friend -- and trust me, you're not nearly as good as you think you are. Some of you I defriended a while ago during a drunken night of madness. I regret this act and every single person that I defriended.

I think that I cannot handle FB anymore. There are two things that really disturbed me about FB recently. One was the woman I was in contact with who I met on OKC. She lived in a rural backwater in the Midwest. She was a quite severely good looking woman, though probably too old to reproduce, and I make it very clear to women that I am looking for someone who can reproduce. I don't however use this language. I thought she was cool. I had mentioned, without even thinking too much about it, that I visit her in Green Bay for a vacation. I would have stayed in a hotel. I was amazed that she offered to have me stay at her house.

I had bashed Obama numerous times on FB. The reason is that Obama pisses me off because I believe he is a war-mongering, business-friendly suckup. I am a Socialist, so what do people expect? In any case, this hot, Midwestern woman says this horrible, defamatory thing right on my FB page about Obama's race. And I'm like, what WTF? It horrified me that I could possibly have been sexing it up with a redneck. And this woman was very beautiful. I could have really, really, sexed it up with a redneck. It makes me shudder just thinking about it. I defriended her and ceased all contact with her. She continues this day to try to refriend me. She does not quit. I probably should have explained to her why I defriended her.

The other disturbing FB situation is another woman whom I have also never met before, yet we established a fairly close bond for penpals. We had also spoken on the phone a few times. I thought she was my friend. I thought she was cool and she understand what a fucking nutjob I could be. Yes, it is true. I did once ask her to leave her boyfriend for me. Though hours later, upon seeing its complete insanity, I told her that I had gone mad and to treat my prior message as a momentarily lapse of sanity. I sometimes go mad, but I am in touch with my madness, and am capable of seeing reality. Not too long afterward, she ceased communicating with me. I don't quite think she understand that I was not as obsessed over her as she thought I was. I don't get too bent out of shape anymore about any woman. I just don't care. I'm not trying to sound cool. I have realized that women don't give me happiness. They give me pain because I do not meet their economic requirements. And I don't really need their sex too badly anymore. If I am to be truly honest with myself, the feeling I feel when women reject me is relief. While I am ultimately responsible for scaring off this FB friend, I actually thought she understand me better, and I am actually no longer interested in being her FB friend and looking at her statuses, yet I cannot defriend her.

Getting back on topic, I'm so fucking tired of Facebook. I am not going to delete the account, because I would appear as defriending all my friends. I think I will just stop posting. I'm not really sure how to get out of it.

If you're an ass-kicker, at least write like one

I'm tired today and feeling a little nihilist. I came across an OkCupid woman with a profile that was quite unreal. This sample from her profile is really just the tip of the iceberg:

Remember, I am a successful woman who needs a guy to match me in my ability to acheive goals. If you are not this guy, please, don't waste my time.

I would not dream of contacting a woman like this, but I have an overwhelming desire to help alpha-doggers with their spelling and grammar as they embarrass me, not that I am any type of expert in these matters.

First of all, we need to remember that old spelling rule we learned in the first grade: i before e except after c. Accordingly, "acheive" should be spelled "achieve."

Is her first sentence grammatically correct? Probably, but it sure done sound funny, eh? A truly successful woman like her would want to be more concise in her wording and instead say something like this:

Remember, I am a successful woman who needs a guy to match my ability to achieve goals.

But even this sounds a little cave-womany.

How about:

I am a successful woman. I desire a goal-oriented man who matches my level of achievement.

Or perhaps you could just try the cut-the-crap approach:

I kick ass! I bite the heads off fuckin' bats and eat them. You should too. Fuck the rest of ya!

Suicide Mission

Dear L,

I am in Florida now visiting my parents. I didn't get access Wifi until today.

I think I learned too much about the intimate details of your life. I am specially referring to men. I know that I have also revealed personal details to you along these lines, and I am a hypocrite, but I am jealous of any man who you like.

I am not speaking to too many people these days anyway. It's hard to be chatty these days. I feel like I am on a mission to create offspring that is so risky that is practically a suicide mission. I could piss away all my valuable time and meager savings on an ESL certificate (which I may not even qualify for or complete) so that I could go to the backwaters of Eastern Europe or Siberia to get fucked (not the sexual kind). Or I could stick around and keep doing what I'm doing which will invariably lead to my being fucked, or as I like to call this scenario -- the slow death.

I actually looked into janitorial jobs today. Goodwill is paying $28,000. This is what an entry level computer programming job paid me ten years ago, where I worked 100 hours a week, so the Goodwill job scrubbing toilets is really the better deal as there is less investment in time and stress. People treat you like shit at these jobs because they assume they are superior to you because of their higher social status, but in my last 28K computer programming job my boss was a fucking tyrant and literally screamed at me. The Goodwill job is probably more secure that any programming job. Maybe this is the better deal than teaching ESL in Siberia. Maybe my chances of meeting a woman for the purposes of reproduction would be about the same. But my instinct tells me that I will probably get fucked as a janitor. I can just imagine the faces my OkayCupid dates make when I tell them that I mop floors for a living. While there are some exceptions most of these people are incredibly shallow despite how enlightened they attempt to portray themselves,

I'm running out of MOJO, L. I am fortunate to look younger than my age, but very soon time is going to catch up with me and I am not going to be able to attract reproductively viable women. Personally I don't give a shit about getting old. I just don't like the idea of being old and being faced with the existential horror of life without meaning.

It just feels like I am desperately running out of time and everything is closing in on me.

You could always call me. But please wait until I get back from Florida on the 27th so that I could have a little more privacy.

Here is my google voice number, if you don't already have it:

A FastCupid blog post I never posted

I wrote this for the FastCupid blog but never posted it:

There is a whole little universe within a universe operating here. It revolves whether I'm here or not.

I could tell you how I'm doing, but people who know me know that I'm probably going to tell you that I'm miserable, lonely, and completely obsessed with a need to create my own family. What many of you don't know is that I have become Captain Ahab and am fully prepared to sacrifice everything in pursuit of my dream.

I pass up perfectly good 44 year olds who write me, and instead chase the elusive 34 year olds that will go out with me. It has nothing to do with getting a better fuck. I really don't care about sex. As horny as I am, my need for sex is the least of my problems. A younger me would never conceive that I would say something like this.

One of the provocateurs on this site stated that I could not get laid. I did not reply to him, but this is really not true. I haven't had sex since 2001, but I've had opportunities to get sex from women my own age within the last few years. I turn down these opportunities because when they present themselves I worry about all the time my having sex with women will take up. That is time that could be better spent plotting to put myself into a position where I can increase my odds of finding someone I can start a family with. In addition, it raises moral issues, which I'm not going to get into.

I have only so much MOJO left in the tank. And right now I'm running on fumes. All I have to do is get just a little bit older, and I will not be able to attract reproductively viable women, anywhere. As the impending doom of age encroaches it takes me further down the road of panic, desperation, and perhaps madness.

The stuff I do when going mad at 4:30 a.m.

I used to read novels, historical books, but now I just read personal ads of people from all over the world. I often do this at night. I am often slightly mad at this time.

I came across a woman from Bulgaria who expressed a very strong desire to live in the USA. I wrote the following to her. She didn’t write back. I didn’t expect her to. By the way, she smoked:

I'm not sure why you want to go to the USA so badly. There's no work here unless you work for the medical industry. And if you smoke in my country you're treated like a leper. Cigarettes in the USA are probably pushing $10.00 USD a pack. You need to be rich to smoke.

I look forward to getting out of the USA. I look forward to working some day. I recommend you go to Western Europe, maybe France or the UK. They have better social programs there. These are more civilized societies.

The good stuff

I don't need to make love to women anymore because the pure deliciousness of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is just as good. The only problem is that my DNA and this beer's DNA cannot combine for the purposes of reproduction. I will need to work on this...

Stay away from this Craigsist guy

I made an appointment and had a verbal agreement with the craiglist handyman in the ad below, an entire week in advance for him to repair my screen window. He did not show. He did not warn me that he was unable to make it. When I called him to find out why he didn’t show up for the appointment, he said “It slipped my mind.” He goes by the name “John” or “JP”.

Handy Man Service (Greater Boston)

---

Date: 2009-10-24, 6:03PM EDT
Reply to: purcifull121@hotmail.com ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

(PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER WITH ANY INQUIRIES SO I CAN CONTACT YOU)

All type of Home Maintenance/Handyman Services including but not limited to:

Apartment/Home Renovation

Interior & Exterior Painting, Plastering & Insulation Installation

Tiling, Hardwood, Tile & vinyl flooring, cabinet repair & installation

Building & Repairing decks. Deck cleaning, staining, painting, repairs of stairs, steps & railings

Wood rot repair, framing, shelves & cabinets, trim work & molding

Window & door install & repairs, Caulking windows and doors, screen installation, removal & repairs, glass install & replacement, plaster repairs

Yard Work, Install Shelves & Organizers, Raking, Snow Shoveling, Picture & Mirror Hanging, Basement & Garage clean up specials, child proofing homes, install knobs & deadbolt locks, repair drawers,repair & install all house fixtures.

FREE ESTIMATES - NO PROJECT IS TOO SMALL (IF YOU DO NOT SEE THE SERVICE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR LISTED HERE, PLEASE INQUIRE)
QUALITY GUARANTEED - REFERENCES AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST

JP 617-416-7448

Getting in touch with the dead

I really need to learn a better way of concealing my laughter when my dates talk about their belief in making contact with the dead.

Maybe I can insert a thumbtack in my footwear, and when the urge comes on to laugh or even smile, I can very quickly give myself some searing pain in order to counter the comedy.

Johnnycakes, they kick ass

True students of "The Sopranos" will have the word Johnnycakes indelibly etched into their memories. I needed to fully experience the Sopranos experience, so finally got around to making Johnnycakes. Johnnycakes are pancakes that are made partially with corn meal.
I didn't have milk as the recipe called for. I substituted a cup of heavy cream for the milk. (You might also describe what I made as Artery Blocker Cakes.)

The Johnnycakes were incredibly awesome. I'll never eat another regular pancake again. They're too doughy. The addition of cornmeal removes the chewiness from pancakes and gives them a nice granular texture. You barely need any maple syrup because there's no need to compensate for the blandness of regular pancakes. Here's what Johnnycakes look like. Not too bad for a first try.

 

Got the recipe here:

http://southernfood.about.com/od/cornbread/r/bl01002g.htm

Grilled at 375 degrees.

I added one tea spoon of baking soda, not called for in the recipe.

Review: River Ale — Pretty Gamey

Actual price in store: $4.34 (1 PT 6FL. OZ)
Actual worth: $2.00

Some people like wild salmon. For me it is funky tasting. Uncivilized. Drinking River Ale is sort of like eating a gamey, wild salmon. While there are worse things, the experience is slightly revolting.

There is this weird, oily texture to this ale. It’s very viscous. Sort of like a very heavy cough syrup. If you look at the ale, the contents don’t look uniform. It looks as if someone took a ladle and scraped it against the bottom of the fermentation tank and bottled it.

But this is okay. Really. Forget about how it looks. It’s taste that matters and River Ale is, how can I put this gently — an ale for people who are in touch with their feminine sides. River Ale is sweet. Way too sweet for what I would consider appropriate for an ale, yet not sweet enough for you to appreciate the aesthetic of sweetness. I think that had this ale been sweeter it might possibly have been interesting.

Some people love wild salmon and prefer it to farm-raised. Some people like their alcohol with plenty of sugar in it so it tastes like liquid candy. That’s okay. It’s just not my thing. I think River Ale has a serious identity crisis. I think the makers of River Ale are out of their minds to charge as much for their ale as they do.

The low rent district

Recently moved into the low rent district of OKC Casual Encounters

A bombed out slag heap

Not even running water

Refuges of barren emotional lives scavenging for a morsel of something soft or hard

 

Our rent is so low

Probably subsidized by the government

Or God knows

But it's an honest living

We know that we will probably bore you

And that you will probably bore us

To death

 

It’s not that we don’t care about you as a person

It’s just that we don’t care

We have gonads for the grinding

It's strictly business.

End of a dark and savage age

Cave men & women around a Facebook campfire.

Master's & phD's our clubs.

Pointed words our spears.

Social cohesion forged through smilies and LOL's.

A new world is on the horizon.

We are crawling out of our virtual caves and learning to live off the land through FarmVille.

A man’s guide to post first-date rejection

While some so-called experts might say that you need to take risks in dating, I believe that most post first-date rejection risks can be avoided and are actually detrimental to your psychological health. If you feel there is a chance you will be rejected, don't try because you probably will be rejected.

1.) Don't trust what you hear on dates. Trust what you see and feel. While this is counter-initiative, a woman expressing interest in seeing you again, no matter how sincere sounding, is more likely a sign of rejection than acceptance.

2.) The key indicator of acceptance or rejection is parting physical contact. If the woman extends her arm to shake your hand, I don't care how much interest she expresses in seeing you again, she has little or no desire in seeing you again. If you get a tight hug -- especially a prolonged tight hug, you have been accepted and can safely ask the woman for a second date (but do it the next day.) Anything stronger than a hug like a kiss is also a sure sign that you've been accepted.

3.) Pay close attention to body language. If you receive the slightest scowl at any point, uncomfortable look, or closed stance such as arms crossed, you better get a tight hug before asking the woman out again. Also, keep a close look out for distractibility. When women time slice a good share of attention to small children or want to know the score of the ballgame playing, it is often a sign that they really don't want to be on the date.

4.) Traumatic Exit: If a woman starts to complain about symptoms of discomfort from any type of illness, very, very politely give her the option to leave. Offer to walk her to her car. Don't embarrass yourself by not taking a hint. Play it cool. Walk her to her car. Be nice. But don't let on that you're interested in her.

5.) Formal Exit: When women want you to walk out with them, this is most likely a rejection. Like the traumatic exit, play it cool. Often the Formal Exit is preceded by a lot of very choreographed sounding bullshit about how much she enjoyed seeing you and how great it would be to meet again. When I woman does like you, she generally doesn't want to leave. She wants to keep talking for dear life.

6.) Rude Dates: These are very rare dates where the woman is either being rude and/or insulting to your intelligence. For example, if you haven't been eating very long and the woman (who has been complaining or rude throughout the date) says something to you such as "It's crowded. The waiter is eying us. I think he wants us to leave." Say to the woman that she is free to leave if she wants but you're going to finish your meal. She'll probably exit on the spot. As she exits, smile and say and very earnestly say, "It's been great meeting you." But don't get up. Keep eating. Don't look angry. Don't look upset. You're just a guy who's trying to eat his meal who doesn't give two craps about the woman.

7.) No matter how good a date seems to be going, never express interest in seeing the woman again on the same date. It just looks bad. Express your interest the very next day. And don't wait more than the very next day so to look cool. Don't screw around.

8.) When a woman decides to terminate a date after only a short time, extend your arm out as you get up to shake her hand, give her a friendly smile and tell her it was nice to meet her. Make sure to get that hand out fast, you want to preempt her handshake. She might even feel guilty at this point at give you a hug and instead of a handshake. Be very careful not to give her a tight hug. Give only as much hug pressure as she exerts on you. Try to release from the hug before her. Sit right back down. Don't offer to walk out with her, even if she requests it.

9.) Look for any signs that the woman is trying to indirectly tell you that she would like to exit. BUT BE COOL. Very politely tell her that if she would like to go she could. The reason why I cannot express enough that you should be cool and polite about this is because she might actually want to stay. There is so much indirection used in dating that is like navigating through a minefield of bullshit.

10.) If you do get rejected, never ever ask why or ask to be friends or any bullshit like this. Be a man. Don't embarrass yourself.

11.) Not all of these rules are universal. Once in a great while they will fail you. You're the ultimate authority on your date, not me. The key is to trust your instincts, be cool, and if you get rejected, take it like a man. If a woman doesn't want you, no matter how much you want to deny this, you'll never have her, so again, take it like a man and find a better woman.

Review: Budweiser American Ale

Don't be fooled by the name "Budweiser American Ale." There's nothing remotely American about this product. Budweiser is now owned by a mega euro-beer conglomerate. Budweiser American Ale was probably invented by Nazi scientists. It was probably one of Hitler's secret weapons.

Budweiser American Ale is a fucking great ale. It has high-end, hard-to-find microbrew quality taste, with a very modest price. I don't remember the six pack price. I believe it was under $7.00 USD. I paid $25.00 USD for a case. This is extremely reasonable considering the quality of this ale.

What struck me after my first sip is the very impressive lack of aftertaste. It has just the right amount of fizz for me, which is a lot, but not so much that it burns my tongue. Its flavor is not overpowering, yet not too weak. If you're in the mood for an easy drinking yet flavorful ale, Budweiser American Ale is perfect. I don't know exactly how much alcohol is in this ale, but judging by my subjective level of sobriety after drinking it, it has a very low alcohol content. Contrary to popular belief, high alcohol content does not enhance flavor for beer related beverages. If anything it takes away from flavor. This ale also has low acid.

Budweiser American Ale goes down almost as easily as ginger ale. Accordingly, you have to be careful. You could drink a lot of these ales without even realizing it.

As you may know, I am against capitalism. I am a socialist. But I'm fairly convinced that socialism, as we know it, could never offer an ale of this quality at such a reasonable price. People are being horribly exploited somewhere to make this ale possible.

Kim Basinger flirted with me at Fast Cupid

Wow, I must be really handsome! Kim Basinger flirted with me at Fast Cupid. And although she lists her age as 40, she looks so young! She looks the same as the way she used to look 20 years ago!

And, she's living in Boston too! Wow. A real life Bond Babe interested in me. I hope Kimmie won't think me odd if I suggest we go Canadian Goose watching...