Saturday, July 25, 2009

The not-so-black-and-white-world of me against them

After all my ranting and raving against the Fast Cupid blog community and all the venom I spewed against them, IQ invited me to the blog party in Lowell. I called her on the phone and told her that after all the bashing I did, I could not possibly show my face. The party organizer called me later on and personally requested that I be there. She was very cordial. I had criticized her grammar on this very blog.

After masturbating for well over a half hour this morning -- or rather this afternoon, because this is when I get up these days, I was too spent to drive up to the blog party in Lowell. I was also worried about not getting work done and anxious about my work. I decided to devote my remaining energy into my work. I am taking a break now. I will go back to it. I will try to meet up with the bloggers tomorrow but my work is like a dark cloud hovering over me, so I don’t know...

I continue to berate myself for botching things with Cheryl. I felt like she was my last chance and I blew it. I wasn’t cool with her just as I wasn’t cool with the Fast Cupid blog community.

The world dealt me a bad hand. But I bare full responsibility for these fuck ups. The world is much safer when it is evil and I, living outside of it, is not. Now it is becoming increasingly clear to me that the lines between good and evil have blurred. My paranoia, while it protects me, also fucks me.

I will become increasingly angry at myself. I know myself too well not to know this. And I will become increasingly more depressed and miserable.