Saturday, July 18, 2009

The new mellow me

I do not know whether Citalopram will help me with driving anxiety as I haven’t yet been on the highway. Yet I’m fairly confident that it will as I am much more mellow now. My new attitude towards life is, “fuck it.” When I think about the prospect of homelessness now I just shrug it off and say fuck it. The other day my sinus temporarily reverted to the state before my surgery last year. It was so awful. I thought about suicide for the first time since before the surgery. And I just said to myself, fuck it. Fuck it I say to the massive train wreck of my life. Why wig? There’s little I can do.

There’s a price to be paid for everything and I pay for the new mellow me in the currency of sexual dysfunction. I have a lot of trouble coming. It is so much work to masturbate now. I was out of breath after delivering myself one single orgasm yesterday morning. I got up out of bed and I was woozy. This would make sex difficult for me, though not for the woman as I still have good erections. Sex would not be pleasurable for me as my penis is desensitized. I know this because I have had sex under similar conditions when taking Nardil. Sex becomes work, like masturbation is to me now. I am trying to avoid it. I will do it every so often to stay straight or when I’m extremely bored. If I wasn’t taking Citalopram this sexual dysfunction would really bother me, but now I don’t really give a shit. It’s not like I’m having sex, so fuck it.

Another thing that I’ve noticed is that my pupils are unusually dilated. I look at my those big black round circles in the morning and I wonder if I am really from outer space. Or perhaps an android. It’s rather beautiful actually. All that black against the army green of my eyes. I’ve never really seen the ascetic beauty of my eyes until now.