Thank God I had remembered to set the volume of the answering machine to zero because when I woke up there was a message time stamped at 8:24 a.m. I had been having so much trouble sleeping and wow would I had been upset had this woken me up. Here is a transcript of the voice recording:
Hi Ed this is Ji-ho calling.
Um, I'm really sorry but I need to cancel our appointment on Sunday at 2:00 p.m. Um, I think you want something more than I do and um, and it's probably not fair to either of us to meet and try to continue something that I don't think will work out in the end. But I do wish you a lot of luck. Um, it was ... I actually enjoyed having a bite to eat with you. Maybe not so much the conversation but the eating part was fun. And that -- that's a lot actually. So take care. And good luck with everything including your book. Okay, bye.
The first time I listened to the recording I was grateful that I would not have to meet her again, because I had been loathing this date ever since it was made a week ago. We were just going to watch some Canadian Geese. It was nothing heavy. But the tone of Ji-ho's message was as if we were fucking each other or something. What is this "I think you want something more than I do" crap? All I wanted was to watch some fucking birds with her, talk to her, get to know her some more, and be sure, without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted nothing more to do with her. I had no grandiose plans for marriage, children, sexing it up with her, or anything. And furthermore, what is this shit about "I actually enjoyed having a bite to eat with you. Maybe not so much the conversation but the eating part was fun." Don't tell someone you didn't enjoy talking to them. It's just sort of assholey, and if you enjoyed the eating part of the date, why don't you take this time to fucking thank the person for buying you all that shit that you ate? I remember that night. It was a $55.00 night. All I had was french fries, cake and coke. She ate at least $25.00 worth of food and tea. I don't mind spending money on a woman. It's just nice every decade or so when a woman thanks you.
Again, I'm glad she canceled. It was the 8:24 a.m. answering machine invasion that upset me and put me off for the entire day. The date was 5 days away. She didn't need to do this at 8:24 a.m. Why couldn't she have just called at a reasonable time and just said, "Sorry, this is not working for me." Why all the drama?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Employees as well as patrons must wash hands
Go to any restaurant in Massachusetts. In the bathroom there's a little sign that says, "Employees must wash hands." I think sometimes it says that it's a state law or something like that.
I don't think that's good enough. I think it should say:
"Employees as well as patrons must wash hands."
But perhaps that's a little too pissy. You might want to tone it down a notch and say:
"Employees as well as patrons are strongly encouraged, with extreme prejudice, to wash hands."
Or even gentler...
"Kindly wash your hands so that when you shake other people's hands and prepare their food, your hands are not so penisy, and you do not transfer to innocents whatever horrid disease you carry."
I know. There is the whole other subject of people wiping their asses and not washing their hands afterward. I can't even bare to discuss it.
I don't think that's good enough. I think it should say:
"Employees as well as patrons must wash hands."
But perhaps that's a little too pissy. You might want to tone it down a notch and say:
"Employees as well as patrons are strongly encouraged, with extreme prejudice, to wash hands."
Or even gentler...
"Kindly wash your hands so that when you shake other people's hands and prepare their food, your hands are not so penisy, and you do not transfer to innocents whatever horrid disease you carry."
I know. There is the whole other subject of people wiping their asses and not washing their hands afterward. I can't even bare to discuss it.
Friday, March 27, 2009
My caffeine headache
Actually the headache is coming from a lack of caffeine. My vocal cords are damaged. It is a long story. I will not get into that, but I am not supposed to be drinking coffee as it puts stress on my voice. I ignore the doctor's advice though drink coffee in smaller quantities. I had a very long convo with a friend the other day and a very long convo with my father. This put a lot of stress on my voice. And then, after agonizing over a computer programming problem for about a month and nearly going mad, I finally came up with a workable solution and decided to go out and relax by looking at Canadian Geese. But of course I needed to buy a Dunkin' Donuts extra large coffee in order to have something to drink while doing my bird watching.
My voice was a wreck the next day (yesterday). I had only a few sips of coffee. Unfortunately, like an idiot, I made a date for the evening. I think it was a good date but I should not have scheduled it. I had one beer during the date. Alcohol is also very bad for my voice but I didn't want to look like a girly man and it's questionable if the place even had ginger-ale -- they didn't even have Budweiser. (It was one of those bars that only carry funky beers that you've never heard of. I sort of hate that. It is so pretentious and the beers tend to taste like crap. The beer I had, which I think was called Narragansett, tasted vaguely like that anesthetic spray for when you have a sore throat.) I cannot blame myself too much. I asked her if she would like to go to a coffee shop, where I would have bought a non-caffeinated beverage. But this woman wanted to drink. Expensive wine too. My wallet is so light today. I was smart enough to not attempt to talk over the live music, which they started playing it about an hour into the date. It was loud. And I was sitting right near the band. My date suggested going to the back. But I was smart enough to call it a night. We talked for about an hour. That was enough.
I am drinking a coffee now. I will just have one coffee. I took two aspirin. I suspect the headache will recede. I think it already is, and I could try to get some work done. Ugh!
My voice was a wreck the next day (yesterday). I had only a few sips of coffee. Unfortunately, like an idiot, I made a date for the evening. I think it was a good date but I should not have scheduled it. I had one beer during the date. Alcohol is also very bad for my voice but I didn't want to look like a girly man and it's questionable if the place even had ginger-ale -- they didn't even have Budweiser. (It was one of those bars that only carry funky beers that you've never heard of. I sort of hate that. It is so pretentious and the beers tend to taste like crap. The beer I had, which I think was called Narragansett, tasted vaguely like that anesthetic spray for when you have a sore throat.) I cannot blame myself too much. I asked her if she would like to go to a coffee shop, where I would have bought a non-caffeinated beverage. But this woman wanted to drink. Expensive wine too. My wallet is so light today. I was smart enough to not attempt to talk over the live music, which they started playing it about an hour into the date. It was loud. And I was sitting right near the band. My date suggested going to the back. But I was smart enough to call it a night. We talked for about an hour. That was enough.
I am drinking a coffee now. I will just have one coffee. I took two aspirin. I suspect the headache will recede. I think it already is, and I could try to get some work done. Ugh!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Yahoo women
I used to have some money before I got clobbered with this economic collapse. I blew a lot if it on the most ridiculous things, such as a $500.00 laser comb that supposedly grows hair, Yahoo Personals membership, and a JDate membership. All these things are no more absurd and useless than the other. In fairness to JDate, I never gave it a chance. I only solicited one woman there. She was not only not Jewish, but came from Germany. I guess I was symbolically sticking it to JDate and the whole concept that Jews should meet Jews. (Just so you know, I am Jewish.) Unfortunately, consistent with the German stereotype, this woman had no fucking sense of humor at all! I also think that she was very naive and completely oblivious to the anger and resentment American Jews have towards Germans, which actually spans generations. Unlike many Jews, when I think of Germany, I don't think of Adolph Hitler, I think of Werner Herzog and my former roommate from college, an army brat born and raised in Germany, who I had a tremendous crush on. The German language gives me a warm fuzzy feeling just hearing it. As for Yahoo Personals, it fucking sucks. Many OKC woman have written me back. I have gone out with many, and many are very cool. But Yahoo women never ever write me back. I actually use Yahoo Personals now to screen out OKC women, as some of the Yahoo women are on this site too. This saves me a lot of time because I know to avoid writing the women who are also on Yahoo.
Yahoo women are truly an affront to all that is good and holy in the universe. Reading their personal ads sometimes borders on the surreal. One woman bitched and moaned through her entire ad about how she was with an alcoholic man, and how he chose the alcohol over her. I felt bad for her. I went to write her. But then I saw that she made 150K a year and required men to make at least a 150K. And I thought to myself, this woman is worth nothing. Aesthetically she is very average. There is no evidence of intelligence. But even if she was intelligent, her emotional baggage gives her a negative value.
I may get angry Yahoo women responding, asserting that am a loser. I don't care. I think their ambitions and priorities in life are extraordinarily petty. Only a naive idiot like me or someone who associates with Satan buys a Yahoo Personals membership.
Yahoo women are truly an affront to all that is good and holy in the universe. Reading their personal ads sometimes borders on the surreal. One woman bitched and moaned through her entire ad about how she was with an alcoholic man, and how he chose the alcohol over her. I felt bad for her. I went to write her. But then I saw that she made 150K a year and required men to make at least a 150K. And I thought to myself, this woman is worth nothing. Aesthetically she is very average. There is no evidence of intelligence. But even if she was intelligent, her emotional baggage gives her a negative value.
I may get angry Yahoo women responding, asserting that am a loser. I don't care. I think their ambitions and priorities in life are extraordinarily petty. Only a naive idiot like me or someone who associates with Satan buys a Yahoo Personals membership.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The cup is half full is not enough
About half of women's personal ad profiles contain this phrase: "I like to see the cup as half full." I say that's inadequate. It is not enough to place subjective judgment on the physical state of the world. You must be willing to go the full nine yards. What I would like to see is women saying stuff like, "I like to see a cup that has 1% fluid in it as trying really hard to be full."
Monday, March 23, 2009
Personal ad response to Hot4JewsAryan
I used to have a little money before the economy went to shit and went mad in November, pissing away a fortune on a JDate membership, yet I had not written one woman because I thought that they were all a bunch of yuppie assholes who would reject me. This is the first JDate woman I have ever solicited. She is quite mad because she is a gentile from Germany on a Jewish dating site. It's outrageous! Maybe it is German guilt that compels her to do this. JDaters must despise her. But I don't. I just think it's funny. The letter I wrote her is true. I do have warm associations with Germans, and it is not only because of Herzog, it is also because of a German roommate I once had who I had a tremendous crush on, who spoke a much softer, pleasant German, not like Hitler at all. The woman in the personal ad is 33. Blond hair. Looks like a total Aryan. I want her to bare them good blond, blew-eyed babies for me.
Grew up in Germany and not Jewish? You must not be the most popular person here on JDate. Jews tend to associate Germans with Nazis. I on the other hand associate Germans with German director Werner Herzog, and it brings up warm fuzzy feelings.
I think you look really cute.
-Ed
I think you look really cute.
-Ed
The inside track of cool
I forgot to tell you that I used to spend hours reading profiles, but only the ones that would catch my eye. I think that's how I found yours the first time. Of course, there are those profiles which read exactly the same, all that shit about travel, and how versatile they are, from jeans to dressing up, from drinking beer to dining out in expensive restaurants. I especially loathe profiles with pics of body parts, and no face. Of course, I am always intrigued by an allusion to something so obscure, that I think I'm the only one who gets it.
-LA Woman
Oh Men do the travel and versatility thing too? I would think if a man talked about how versatile he was he would sound ... how should I say this ... gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with it.)
I'm not too crazy about the allusion to something obscure because it's a little too insider-knowledgey for me, though I am slightly guilty of this myself. Now I go by the alias Burden_of_Dreams. This is a documentary about a director name Werner Herzog. Nobody yet has gotten it. Perhaps the woman who does will get a free invitation to marriage as I will know that she is on the inside track of cool.
-Ed
Yet another letter to Comrad L
Let's combine forces we create a dating website for single lefties. What could we it? "Red Dates?" "Lefty Love?"
I am much more cynical than you are. I don't believe there are any Socialists left.
People don't understand what Socialism is. They think Socialism is Barack Obama or the Soviet Union. I stopped saying I was a Socialist in my profile. I think I was scaring the shit out of everyone.
I think you are perhaps the first Socialist I've ever met in a dating website. A Lefty Love website is a good concept, but how do you fund such a thing? We're Socialists, not capitalists. And, also, do we let the Maoists in? They will probably create a splinter group and subvert our entire idea. They'll probably force everyone to carry Little Red Books on dates. They will tear us apart like they did to SDS.
Yet another letter to LA Woman
You read fast! I am reading women's online dating profiles. It is is very bland reading. And half of them say, "I like the to see the cup as half full." One woman even says "You should have the ability to see the cup as half full even when it is half empty." I kid you not! I am beginning to think that women buy ready-made profiles at some type of Profile-Mart. I mean, they're all the same. I couldn't bring myself to write any of these woman, thank God.
Chuck Palahniuk. That bastard! If I ever get this thing produced everyone will think I stole whatever you say is in Chuck's book.
Nobody reads this screenplay without getting offended. Some people get, really, REALLY offended. I was naive when I wrote it. I didn't realize that you cannot write something like this and ever dream that anyone would produce it. You have to do it yourself. I don't have the money.
I will send you the draft of The Losers Guide to Survival when it because available. I have a rule that it cannot be over 50 pages. Your criticism will be much appreciated, as it is my pipe dream that I can make money off of this thing.
-Ed
Chuck Palahniuk. That bastard! If I ever get this thing produced everyone will think I stole whatever you say is in Chuck's book.
Nobody reads this screenplay without getting offended. Some people get, really, REALLY offended. I was naive when I wrote it. I didn't realize that you cannot write something like this and ever dream that anyone would produce it. You have to do it yourself. I don't have the money.
I will send you the draft of The Losers Guide to Survival when it because available. I have a rule that it cannot be over 50 pages. Your criticism will be much appreciated, as it is my pipe dream that I can make money off of this thing.
-Ed
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Letter to LA Woman
LA Woman,
You have not been reading my blog. I had a very bad date. But it's not that. Things like bad dates just sort of set you off. This recession is really making me poor. I'm in little danger right now of being on the street but it sort of blew my dreams of escaping this shit, humiliating life that I live of subsidized housing and handouts. I'm also getting rapidly older. I'm running out of time and money. It is a race you see, because if I don't start the family soon, my window of opportunity will be over. I will not be able to attract 36 year olds for much longer. I've decided that I don't really want female companionship or to even use their bodies for sex. These things don't interest that much anymore. I used to believe in love but now I think that it is just pure fucking shit. I want to exploit women for their reproductive ability. This probably sounds horrible, especially since you are a woman, but this is who I am, an exploiter of women. I would certainly be loyal to them and any children they created with me. I am not a complete sleaze.
Regarding your BF, you don't need to listen to your friends and family. You don't have to listen to anyone just because they hold some authority. The only person you really need to listen to is you. I'm pretty sure you complained about buying your BF dinner. It's okay, you could complain to me. That's what friends are for. But please be sweet to him.
It was just one person at Badsumo really who wigged. But it was my own own fault. I shouldn't be posting there. I was looking for trouble. I tend to alienate people and poison relationships. People tend to disgust me and I can't help myself sometimes.
Don't worry about signing up with your real name at Badsumo. It's a private site.
I'm going to send the screenplay to your e-mail address.
Take care.
You have not been reading my blog. I had a very bad date. But it's not that. Things like bad dates just sort of set you off. This recession is really making me poor. I'm in little danger right now of being on the street but it sort of blew my dreams of escaping this shit, humiliating life that I live of subsidized housing and handouts. I'm also getting rapidly older. I'm running out of time and money. It is a race you see, because if I don't start the family soon, my window of opportunity will be over. I will not be able to attract 36 year olds for much longer. I've decided that I don't really want female companionship or to even use their bodies for sex. These things don't interest that much anymore. I used to believe in love but now I think that it is just pure fucking shit. I want to exploit women for their reproductive ability. This probably sounds horrible, especially since you are a woman, but this is who I am, an exploiter of women. I would certainly be loyal to them and any children they created with me. I am not a complete sleaze.
Regarding your BF, you don't need to listen to your friends and family. You don't have to listen to anyone just because they hold some authority. The only person you really need to listen to is you. I'm pretty sure you complained about buying your BF dinner. It's okay, you could complain to me. That's what friends are for. But please be sweet to him.
It was just one person at Badsumo really who wigged. But it was my own own fault. I shouldn't be posting there. I was looking for trouble. I tend to alienate people and poison relationships. People tend to disgust me and I can't help myself sometimes.
Don't worry about signing up with your real name at Badsumo. It's a private site.
I'm going to send the screenplay to your e-mail address.
Take care.
Friday, March 20, 2009
It was Harvard
I felt the need to compete with Ji-ho and put her in her place because she went to Harvard. It had nothing to do with her sex. Had she went to any school other than Harvard, Yale or Princeton I would not have felt the need to put her in her place.
This having being said, I remain unimpressed with Ji-ho. Harvard people symbolize all the unfairness of the world. I am just as smart as these motherfuckers. I deserve better. But I am relegated to a world of shit because I blew out some brain cells due to oxygen deprivation at birth. Harvard is not responsible for the injustices I suffer. They're just a symbol. I heard the word "Harvard." Buttons were pressed, and I went for her jugular. I still don't feel terribly guilty. She went to Harvard and she should have been able to handle herself better. It was however wrong of me to go after her.
This having being said, I remain unimpressed with Ji-ho. Harvard people symbolize all the unfairness of the world. I am just as smart as these motherfuckers. I deserve better. But I am relegated to a world of shit because I blew out some brain cells due to oxygen deprivation at birth. Harvard is not responsible for the injustices I suffer. They're just a symbol. I heard the word "Harvard." Buttons were pressed, and I went for her jugular. I still don't feel terribly guilty. She went to Harvard and she should have been able to handle herself better. It was however wrong of me to go after her.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The continuing madness of dating and my life.
I thought I had patched things up with Ji-ho, but now I'm convinced that she was just trying to get rid of me using elaborate lies that women often resort to. There were two things that struck me as odd during our phone convo. The first was that she said that I should know that she doesn't normally accept Unknown numbers. I told her I was using Skype to call her, that it was my business line (which is true) and that I would apply a telephone ID to the number (which I had been wanting to do anyway.) It seemed odd though that she said that. She had accepted my phone calls at that number before. Now I recognize that she was trying to identify me so that she could ignore any future calls. Also, when I said I would get back to her on trying to obtain the meeting place, why did she assume that I would get back to her tomorrow? Why not that day? Let me tell you why. Because a whole elaborate scheme had been concocted in her mind to ignore my phone call the next day, when I usually call, and this detail hadn't entered into it. It's hard to effectively lie. There's always little details that betray you. That's why I don't lie. Not because it's immoral but because my brain simply doesn't work fast enough to process all the details.
I was relieved that I didn't have to see Ji-ho again, but I went through a lot of trouble scouting the location to meet her, actually driving out there, and I just wished that she'd have made her real intentions more obvious, though I didn't mind if she needed to make up a bullshit story, so long as it's obvious, such as I'm busy with school now. Who knows? She might even return my voice mail, and this is the writings of a paranoid, but I put 5 to 1 odds that I'm right. I think that I was put off by the fact that she never thanked me after all the food and tea I bought her. I know I pushed her too hard. But she judged me too by saying that I bought the Stallone stereotype. I don't even know what the Stallone stereotype is. I just think he's a bad actor.
Elisabeth wrote me back. She was the beautiful 33 year old that canceled yesterday's date because she needed more time to pack for her trip to Ireland. I said yesterday that I was glad that Elisabeth canceled, but it was only because of the trauma of my date with Ji-ho. Elisabeth doesn't even enter the realm of my fantasies. In order for a fantasy to be a fantasy, there has to be some sliver of potential that it could be a reality, but there is just too big an age difference between us. It's just not going to happen. But I would still like to meet her. She was very quirky, making me provide a thesis for an obscure 19th century poem, though not to bust my balls. It was an easy poem. She was just feeling me out and also sharing something about herself. I thought it was very sweet and cool. She said crazy shit in her letters to me like when I was going to meet her, she said, "I will be there with bells on." What the fuck does that mean? Who cares? I love women like that who aren't afraid to be crazy. I believed her story about her needing to devote time to pack. I suspect I'll be hearing from her later at some point. Maybe I could adopt her as my daughter. We could do father daughter stuff that I've always wanted to do. I could teach her how to throw a curve ball, take her to Red Sox games, give her fatherly advice such as stay the fuck away from men.
Felicia, the 37 year old who grew up on a hippie commune didn't get back to me. I'm glad. She never seemed terribly enthusiastic. She listed herself as a bisexual. On the very first post she's telling me about how she "was blown out of the water at all the curvy goddesses" in New Orleans. I suspected this woman was very heavily into women and men were just perhaps an afterthought.
So that's it. I'm out of women to go out with. And I haven't been really working on trying to obtain more. I think that I need to go on a serious alcohol and eating binge tomorrow in order to forget the horror of most of these women, and also my work, which I cannot get done because I spend so much time and mental energy working on women. I'm also completely broke. Nobody's buying in this economy. I need to take a break from women for at least a week. I have decided that I am probably going to sign up to play softball this Spring/Summer. This in itself takes up a lot of time, energy, and resources, that I worried would take away from dating. But now I really don't think I give a shit anymore. Hitting home runs isn't nearly as good as fucking, but it's fun. And you get way more love.
I think when I get back to dating there is going to be some new rules imposed. Here's what I'm thinking:
-No more women with children. These women tend to be more difficult to deal with. They are a large sap on time and resources. And why shouldn't I have someone who is completely devoted to me? I deserve this.
-No more women with either "Dharma", or "Bodhi" in their names or phrases like "eternal optimist", "see the cup as half full", in their profile. These women are walking cliche's and a huge waste of time. They're not right for me. I was already honoring these rules but I tended to stray. I think that I will also exclude vegetarians, vegans, environmentalists, and anyone else who is single-handedly saving the world but not lifting a finger to help the homeless.
-No more women from Brookline or Newton. I was already honoring this rule but strayed and paid. I am strongly considering adding Cambridge to this list. The so-called "People's Republic of Cambridge" is just a bunch of neo-yuppie assholes now.
-No more writing Yahoo personals women as they never ever write back. For now on, I will use the Yahoo women only as a device to screen out women on other dating sites who I recognize from Yahoo. I will also familiarize myself very well with the Yahoo population as all of these woman are snobby assholes that need to be stayed away from.
-No more strong opinions voiced on dates. If a woman has very bad taste or bad ideas, I will no longer call her on it. I will just smile, nod my head in understanding, and move on.
-No more buying women anything more than coffee, tea or drinks on first dates. This is the rule that I just haven't been able to follow and I have paid dearly for. I simply cannot afford to blow over fifty bucks on first dates anymore.
-For now on, unless the woman is very young, or exceptionally interesting, I will only ask out the best looking women. This may seem counterintuitive, but beautiful women are not significantly harder to obtain dates with than average looking women. I suspect this is because men are simply afraid to ask them out. And also, average looking women give you the same amount of shit and bad attitude as good looking women, and are equally as boring. So why bother? If I'm going to have my time wasted and be humiliated, better it be with a good looking woman. Good looking women are simply nicer to look at, and it's not as humiliating to be rejected or treated like shit by them.
-For now on I am going to start writing to women who don't understand grammar or spelling at all, and who don't even try to use a spell checker for some odd reason. I have always told myself that bourgeois women are wrong for me. I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I probably have a lot more in common with uneducated women because they're poorer. This will also increase the size of my dating pool.
-I am extending my mileage radius from 20 to 35 miles. This will be more expensive and take more time and energy, but fuck it. I need to increase my dating pool.
-I will probably change my religious designation from Jewish back to atheist. While being designated as Jewish has succeeded in getting me more dates, I have very little in common with Jewish women.
I'm sure there is more stuff I can think of. When I'm binging on soup and beer at the Watch City Brewery, I'll brew up some more ideas on how I can more effectively deal with the madness of dating.
I was relieved that I didn't have to see Ji-ho again, but I went through a lot of trouble scouting the location to meet her, actually driving out there, and I just wished that she'd have made her real intentions more obvious, though I didn't mind if she needed to make up a bullshit story, so long as it's obvious, such as I'm busy with school now. Who knows? She might even return my voice mail, and this is the writings of a paranoid, but I put 5 to 1 odds that I'm right. I think that I was put off by the fact that she never thanked me after all the food and tea I bought her. I know I pushed her too hard. But she judged me too by saying that I bought the Stallone stereotype. I don't even know what the Stallone stereotype is. I just think he's a bad actor.
Elisabeth wrote me back. She was the beautiful 33 year old that canceled yesterday's date because she needed more time to pack for her trip to Ireland. I said yesterday that I was glad that Elisabeth canceled, but it was only because of the trauma of my date with Ji-ho. Elisabeth doesn't even enter the realm of my fantasies. In order for a fantasy to be a fantasy, there has to be some sliver of potential that it could be a reality, but there is just too big an age difference between us. It's just not going to happen. But I would still like to meet her. She was very quirky, making me provide a thesis for an obscure 19th century poem, though not to bust my balls. It was an easy poem. She was just feeling me out and also sharing something about herself. I thought it was very sweet and cool. She said crazy shit in her letters to me like when I was going to meet her, she said, "I will be there with bells on." What the fuck does that mean? Who cares? I love women like that who aren't afraid to be crazy. I believed her story about her needing to devote time to pack. I suspect I'll be hearing from her later at some point. Maybe I could adopt her as my daughter. We could do father daughter stuff that I've always wanted to do. I could teach her how to throw a curve ball, take her to Red Sox games, give her fatherly advice such as stay the fuck away from men.
Felicia, the 37 year old who grew up on a hippie commune didn't get back to me. I'm glad. She never seemed terribly enthusiastic. She listed herself as a bisexual. On the very first post she's telling me about how she "was blown out of the water at all the curvy goddesses" in New Orleans. I suspected this woman was very heavily into women and men were just perhaps an afterthought.
So that's it. I'm out of women to go out with. And I haven't been really working on trying to obtain more. I think that I need to go on a serious alcohol and eating binge tomorrow in order to forget the horror of most of these women, and also my work, which I cannot get done because I spend so much time and mental energy working on women. I'm also completely broke. Nobody's buying in this economy. I need to take a break from women for at least a week. I have decided that I am probably going to sign up to play softball this Spring/Summer. This in itself takes up a lot of time, energy, and resources, that I worried would take away from dating. But now I really don't think I give a shit anymore. Hitting home runs isn't nearly as good as fucking, but it's fun. And you get way more love.
I think when I get back to dating there is going to be some new rules imposed. Here's what I'm thinking:
-No more women with children. These women tend to be more difficult to deal with. They are a large sap on time and resources. And why shouldn't I have someone who is completely devoted to me? I deserve this.
-No more women with either "Dharma", or "Bodhi" in their names or phrases like "eternal optimist", "see the cup as half full", in their profile. These women are walking cliche's and a huge waste of time. They're not right for me. I was already honoring these rules but I tended to stray. I think that I will also exclude vegetarians, vegans, environmentalists, and anyone else who is single-handedly saving the world but not lifting a finger to help the homeless.
-No more women from Brookline or Newton. I was already honoring this rule but strayed and paid. I am strongly considering adding Cambridge to this list. The so-called "People's Republic of Cambridge" is just a bunch of neo-yuppie assholes now.
-No more writing Yahoo personals women as they never ever write back. For now on, I will use the Yahoo women only as a device to screen out women on other dating sites who I recognize from Yahoo. I will also familiarize myself very well with the Yahoo population as all of these woman are snobby assholes that need to be stayed away from.
-No more strong opinions voiced on dates. If a woman has very bad taste or bad ideas, I will no longer call her on it. I will just smile, nod my head in understanding, and move on.
-No more buying women anything more than coffee, tea or drinks on first dates. This is the rule that I just haven't been able to follow and I have paid dearly for. I simply cannot afford to blow over fifty bucks on first dates anymore.
-For now on, unless the woman is very young, or exceptionally interesting, I will only ask out the best looking women. This may seem counterintuitive, but beautiful women are not significantly harder to obtain dates with than average looking women. I suspect this is because men are simply afraid to ask them out. And also, average looking women give you the same amount of shit and bad attitude as good looking women, and are equally as boring. So why bother? If I'm going to have my time wasted and be humiliated, better it be with a good looking woman. Good looking women are simply nicer to look at, and it's not as humiliating to be rejected or treated like shit by them.
-For now on I am going to start writing to women who don't understand grammar or spelling at all, and who don't even try to use a spell checker for some odd reason. I have always told myself that bourgeois women are wrong for me. I cannot have my cake and eat it too. I probably have a lot more in common with uneducated women because they're poorer. This will also increase the size of my dating pool.
-I am extending my mileage radius from 20 to 35 miles. This will be more expensive and take more time and energy, but fuck it. I need to increase my dating pool.
-I will probably change my religious designation from Jewish back to atheist. While being designated as Jewish has succeeded in getting me more dates, I have very little in common with Jewish women.
I'm sure there is more stuff I can think of. When I'm binging on soup and beer at the Watch City Brewery, I'll brew up some more ideas on how I can more effectively deal with the madness of dating.
Letter to Comrad L
Dear Comrad L,
You have caught me in one my moments of depression, slight drunkenness, and existential dread.
It's hard being me sometimes. Sometimes I need to look at my fantasy woman's profile on OkayCupid just to stay straight. She is of course you. I marveled today how you seem to keep your shit together so well.
I don't know exactly what limeware or frostwire is, though they sound like things that are trying to subvert my ability to put a roof over my head.
I wish I could talk to other women as easily and freely as I talked to you. But it's always so strained and so forced and so hard with them. A beautiful 33 year old canceled a date with me today. I was grateful. I beautiful 36 year old rejected me today, telling me she was involved. I was grateful. A 37 year old who says she grew up on a hippie commune, and who expressed interest in having coffee with me didn't get back to me yet. I hope she never will. The only woman that upset me was the 45 year old, hot looking artist who gave me all this shit, coming off like I had something to hide because I told her that I preferred not to chat with her over the phone prior to meeting her, though I did give her my home and cell number. Only women over 40 have this compelling need for "chats." I refuse to do them. They make me very anxious and I disagree with the concept of screening interviews on philosophical grounds. These women are still stuck in an age before the Internet, where personal ads were 3 or 4 lines long and came out of print newspapers. You exchanged snail-mail, exchanged phone numbers, "screened" and negotiated meeting times over the phone. It was a very backwards age. I actually wanted to meet this woman. But only sort of. She didn't offer me a family. She already had her own. I guess you could say that she represented companionship, but she also represented middle age, old age, and death.
I hope you're well. I know you're working hard. Do what you need to do to take care of your own ass. You're in my thoughts. I appreciate all the sweetness you've shown me.
I will put this letter in my blog. Don't worry, I will never reveal any personal information about you. Your alias will be Comrad L.
-Ed
You have caught me in one my moments of depression, slight drunkenness, and existential dread.
It's hard being me sometimes. Sometimes I need to look at my fantasy woman's profile on OkayCupid just to stay straight. She is of course you. I marveled today how you seem to keep your shit together so well.
I don't know exactly what limeware or frostwire is, though they sound like things that are trying to subvert my ability to put a roof over my head.
I wish I could talk to other women as easily and freely as I talked to you. But it's always so strained and so forced and so hard with them. A beautiful 33 year old canceled a date with me today. I was grateful. I beautiful 36 year old rejected me today, telling me she was involved. I was grateful. A 37 year old who says she grew up on a hippie commune, and who expressed interest in having coffee with me didn't get back to me yet. I hope she never will. The only woman that upset me was the 45 year old, hot looking artist who gave me all this shit, coming off like I had something to hide because I told her that I preferred not to chat with her over the phone prior to meeting her, though I did give her my home and cell number. Only women over 40 have this compelling need for "chats." I refuse to do them. They make me very anxious and I disagree with the concept of screening interviews on philosophical grounds. These women are still stuck in an age before the Internet, where personal ads were 3 or 4 lines long and came out of print newspapers. You exchanged snail-mail, exchanged phone numbers, "screened" and negotiated meeting times over the phone. It was a very backwards age. I actually wanted to meet this woman. But only sort of. She didn't offer me a family. She already had her own. I guess you could say that she represented companionship, but she also represented middle age, old age, and death.
I hope you're well. I know you're working hard. Do what you need to do to take care of your own ass. You're in my thoughts. I appreciate all the sweetness you've shown me.
I will put this letter in my blog. Don't worry, I will never reveal any personal information about you. Your alias will be Comrad L.
-Ed
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I blew it
I had Ji-ho. I had her laughing so loud it hurt my ears. It was easy to make Ji-ho laugh, not because she was stupid but because she was smart. Stupid people don't get my humor. I didn't question Ji-ho's intelligence. I questioned her judgment. And I challenged her, and judged her. She was Harvard educated as an English major. She had gone to film school after that. She wanted to make movies but gave up when she came to the realization that the money just wasn't there and opted instead for the safety of a straight life. What kind of a naive idiot goes to film school? At least at film school you would think that they would study Werner Herzog, but she did not even know who he was. What kind of a person who wants to make movies does not even know about Herzog?
I was a little put off when she started talking about wanting to see Julia Robert's latest work, but I didn't say anything. But once she started talking about Sylvester Stallone being a good actor and how it was hard to play a stupid person, I just had to put my foot down and seriously disagree with her evaluation of Stallone's acting ability. But then she said, in her defense, that "Rocky" was written by Stallone, as if I didn't know this, and as if this was support for her assertion that Stallone is a smart and talented person. And I just had to slip in that before Stallone did "Rocky" he was doing PORNOGRAPHY. It was said snidely. She did not have a proper come back for this and was somewhat dumbfounded. But did say later that I believed in the stereotype of Stallone being stupid. I didn't think that was a fair assessment of me. I don't know if Stallone is stupid. But there has been nothing that Stallone has done on or off camera that has ever impressed me.
The future of our relationship was over after our Stallone confrontation. In about 30 seconds, everything derailed for both of us.
I blew it. She was telling me about this great-sounding Korean food that I wanted to try, but now probably never will. She had a good, child-bearing body, 37 years old, still reproductively viable with Grade A Ivy League DNA, laughed liked hell at my jokes, smiled at me, seemed like a sweet person, but Christ how can I spend the rest of my life with someone who likes Julia Roberts and Sylvester Stallone and gives up on her artistic dreams of filmmaking because she's unwilling to put up with a little poverty? She was a woman of small dreams. I have always found that people who play it safe and don't follow their dreams to be a big turn-off.
Good Christ I could have had this woman. If only I could have played it cool I could have been fucking a nice hot woman with breasts, brains ... the whole nine yards. The only thing she lacked was taste. Why do I judge? I am some kind of an incredible asshole. Fuck me!
I was a little put off when she started talking about wanting to see Julia Robert's latest work, but I didn't say anything. But once she started talking about Sylvester Stallone being a good actor and how it was hard to play a stupid person, I just had to put my foot down and seriously disagree with her evaluation of Stallone's acting ability. But then she said, in her defense, that "Rocky" was written by Stallone, as if I didn't know this, and as if this was support for her assertion that Stallone is a smart and talented person. And I just had to slip in that before Stallone did "Rocky" he was doing PORNOGRAPHY. It was said snidely. She did not have a proper come back for this and was somewhat dumbfounded. But did say later that I believed in the stereotype of Stallone being stupid. I didn't think that was a fair assessment of me. I don't know if Stallone is stupid. But there has been nothing that Stallone has done on or off camera that has ever impressed me.
The future of our relationship was over after our Stallone confrontation. In about 30 seconds, everything derailed for both of us.
I blew it. She was telling me about this great-sounding Korean food that I wanted to try, but now probably never will. She had a good, child-bearing body, 37 years old, still reproductively viable with Grade A Ivy League DNA, laughed liked hell at my jokes, smiled at me, seemed like a sweet person, but Christ how can I spend the rest of my life with someone who likes Julia Roberts and Sylvester Stallone and gives up on her artistic dreams of filmmaking because she's unwilling to put up with a little poverty? She was a woman of small dreams. I have always found that people who play it safe and don't follow their dreams to be a big turn-off.
Good Christ I could have had this woman. If only I could have played it cool I could have been fucking a nice hot woman with breasts, brains ... the whole nine yards. The only thing she lacked was taste. Why do I judge? I am some kind of an incredible asshole. Fuck me!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I'm paying for this hug.
Look, I said a lot of angry stuff in my Hug at gunpoint blog. Some was just angry talk and some was hyperbole. I know with me sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I am only now just beginning to cool down after yesterday's date. There's more I could say about this ugly (on the inside) woman Elena, how she bitched and moaned that I wasn't eating properly, how she bitched and moaned about my not finishing my food because I have trouble swallowing, and how she bitched and moaned about how I should get this problem fixed by a doctor. (And remember, I am paying for my meal and hers, that she didn't even have the fucking courtesy to thank me for.) This is only a fraction of the shit I am not telling you about this asshole woman. I could tell you more, but I'm not because I'm tired of thinking about her. She is a scourge upon my existence.
I am going to keep it cool. I will not engage in any forms of contest or competition with any asshole women in the future, though I do regret not overtly offering Elena the chance to leave when, obviously she wasn't happy and chose to insult my intelligence by making up cockamamie subtle hints that she wanted to leave. Other than politely giving rude women the opportunity to leave or just plain leaving myself, there will be no major deviations in my game plan. If women want to be assholes, let them be assholes. I will remain polite and cool and buy them their food and probably still ask for a hug. And why shouldn't I ask for a hug? I'm paying for it!
I'm Mr. Fucking Cool. These assholes my have traveled around the world and may be pretty large in their own minds, but they are not a fraction as cool as I am.
I am going to keep it cool. I will not engage in any forms of contest or competition with any asshole women in the future, though I do regret not overtly offering Elena the chance to leave when, obviously she wasn't happy and chose to insult my intelligence by making up cockamamie subtle hints that she wanted to leave. Other than politely giving rude women the opportunity to leave or just plain leaving myself, there will be no major deviations in my game plan. If women want to be assholes, let them be assholes. I will remain polite and cool and buy them their food and probably still ask for a hug. And why shouldn't I ask for a hug? I'm paying for it!
I'm Mr. Fucking Cool. These assholes my have traveled around the world and may be pretty large in their own minds, but they are not a fraction as cool as I am.
Seeking anti-matter LA Woman
Dear LA Woman,
I think you're angry about what I said about [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY]. You shouldn't be. Really. I was only kidding you, perhaps busting your gonads, but only slightly. I wasn't trying to hassle you. It was more of a statement about me than you. I don't know [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY], but I hate him because I hate rich people in general, and my attitude is to exploit the bastards at all costs. It's not about you. It's about me.
And of course your boyfriend would have green eyes. I think that we are really the same person, living in parallel universes. It's like in the Star Trek episode where the crew beamed into the anti-matter universe where their evil counterparts lived, though I am really not sure if I am your good (matter) boyfriend or your evil (anti-matter) boyfriend. I like Pacifica. Your boyfriend likes NPR. Who is the evil one? That's unclear. But I prefer to think of myself as the evil one. I think that there is perhaps an evil LA Woman lurking around the East Coast somewhere. She probably looks a lot like you and shares your interests and has your temperament, though I doubt if she's as good as you -- for she is evil!
I think you're angry about what I said about [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY]. You shouldn't be. Really. I was only kidding you, perhaps busting your gonads, but only slightly. I wasn't trying to hassle you. It was more of a statement about me than you. I don't know [UNDISCLOSED RICH GUY], but I hate him because I hate rich people in general, and my attitude is to exploit the bastards at all costs. It's not about you. It's about me.
And of course your boyfriend would have green eyes. I think that we are really the same person, living in parallel universes. It's like in the Star Trek episode where the crew beamed into the anti-matter universe where their evil counterparts lived, though I am really not sure if I am your good (matter) boyfriend or your evil (anti-matter) boyfriend. I like Pacifica. Your boyfriend likes NPR. Who is the evil one? That's unclear. But I prefer to think of myself as the evil one. I think that there is perhaps an evil LA Woman lurking around the East Coast somewhere. She probably looks a lot like you and shares your interests and has your temperament, though I doubt if she's as good as you -- for she is evil!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Personal ad response to Momus
This woman was 33. My rule is not to mess with women under 36, but she looked at my profile on Fast Cupid on two separate occasions and her age range was a surprising 28-43. So I thought, what the hell...
I see that you have viewed my profile. And I don't think it's the first time. So let me just make one thing clear: You're too young and too beautiful to be viewing my profile. I'm 43. I am the elderly. You look really hot, and it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could suffer a coronary, just from looking at your photos. Do you want that on your conscience? I think not! So kindly do not endanger the lives of the aged.
On second thought, for the love of God, please write be back!
BTW, I got your intro line (well, at least I found the reference), but I cheated with Google.
-Ed
I see that you have viewed my profile. And I don't think it's the first time. So let me just make one thing clear: You're too young and too beautiful to be viewing my profile. I'm 43. I am the elderly. You look really hot, and it is not out of the realm of possibility that I could suffer a coronary, just from looking at your photos. Do you want that on your conscience? I think not! So kindly do not endanger the lives of the aged.
On second thought, for the love of God, please write be back!
BTW, I got your intro line (well, at least I found the reference), but I cheated with Google.
-Ed
Personal ad response to Dreamy
Yes you are dreamy and have nice plump womanly cheeks that I cannot resist, and I thought I was perhaps dreaming when I came across your profile and read on and on and then I see "I pick my nose in the car." And I say to myself, I know I didn't just read that. I must be seeing things. Perhaps if I re-read that I'll see that I misread it. But, unfortunately no matter how many times I re-read it, it came out the same.
I should not be telling people what they shouldn't do, especially since I don't even know you, but you really should not pick your nose. I may have gotten a horrible staph infection that way. It ruined my life for years.
I know, I know. I've said too much. Just nervous rambling from an admirer.
-Ed
I should not be telling people what they shouldn't do, especially since I don't even know you, but you really should not pick your nose. I may have gotten a horrible staph infection that way. It ruined my life for years.
I know, I know. I've said too much. Just nervous rambling from an admirer.
-Ed
A hug at gun point
Elena said in her profile she was 5'6. I doubted that because in one of her photos, with three other women, she was towering over them. They were either dwarfs or she was an Amazon. As I expected, she was definitely not 5'6. I estimated her height to be at least 5'8, perhaps 5'9. My 5'10 was just barely taller than her. Was she really 37 as she said she was in her profile? Questionable. One of the questions she asked me was whether I would like to have children. I said yes. And she said, "I'm not for you. I'm too old to have children." I told her it wasn't a requirement, which is the truth, but I felt like saying, "You're right. You're the oldest looking 37 year old I've ever seen. Probably passed menopause at least ten years ago." (To be fair to her, she was a very good looking women with an exquisite body, whatever her real age was. She could've been a slightly encrusted 37 year old. It wasn't clear.)
I drove out to Burlington in the middle of the day to see this women in a Thai restaurant. We could have had coffee, but that's really not acceptable at noon, so I opted to buy her lunch. She did not even offer a handshake when I met her. I wanted to shake her hand but the vibe just wasn't there so I didn't force it. Towards the end of our date, if she wanted to leave I wish she could of said she had to go, not given me this, "I think they want us to leave to free up tables" bullshit. I find this sort of thing very insulting. She never thanked me for lunch, and gave me that fuck-you business-like goodbye handshake. I despise that. I didn't even ask her for a hug as I usually do, and just extended my arms. I'm not a violent person, and I don't own a gun, but if I were and had she not given me the hug, I would have held her at gun point until she did. I would have let her go after that. I just expect a little common fucking courtesy. Maybe a little thank you for the meal after dragging my ass to her neck of the woods in the middle of the day. That is all I ask. I paid for that date in more than money. I have IBS. I had to ram Glycerin Suppositories up my ass since 8:30 a.m. in order to clear my bowels so I would not have a problem. Do you have any idea how much I hate having things rammed up my ass?
On dates, women have a mental tipping point where you are officially written off. Everything said beyond that point is mere formality. I can always detect this mental shift because their body language or tone, either consciously or unconsciously makes this evident.
I've determined that this mental tipping point almost always occurs with either one of three questions, which are:
1.) So what do you do for fun?
2.) Have you traveled? (Since I haven't traveled much. This question is invariable followed by...)
3.) Why haven't you traveled?
The real answer to question 1 is that "fun" -- or what they're really trying to get at, which is recreational activities, is a luxury for people who have time and have money and aren't too completely freaked out by anxiety to have fun. If I feel the woman might have a sense of humor, sometimes I say that I'm frequently asked this question, don't have an answer, but am investigating how I might fabricate an answer to a fun activity so obscure that no one would be able to probe me about. Most of the women I think might have a sense of humor actually don't.
Elena didn't ask me question 1, but she did ask me questions 2 and 3. I don't try to dodge these questions, though I felt so defeated by Elena's reaction that I didn't even elaborate on the extent of my travels within the US. I knew it didn't matter. She was one of those assholes who has the money and time and luxury to travel and cannot understand how a person doesn't do this. It doesn't register in their minds that some people might want to do this but are not privileged enough to do this. These people may have lived in exotic lands but I can assure you that they have not learned half as much as I know about life from living in mental institutions, homeless shelters and ghettos. These cocksuckers are going to go to the grave thinking how better they are to me, but the fact is that they're petty and narrow-minded, and why is it so surprising that they're so single and alone?
I violated my no feeding-women-on-the-first-date-rule that I recently instituted with Elena. Why should I dip into my saving to feed these assholes who judge me? And if I get any more of these three show-stopping questions, I'm going to throw it right back at them. I'm going to give them my deal-breaking question, which is "Do you like the Sopranos?" Maybe I'll even ask them if they like Dostoevsky or some other difficult-to-read literature. You want to play holier-than-thou games with me? I say Bring it On! I hate being judged. It makes me very angry. They're not better than me; they just think they are.
And when I start to sense that these assholes are squirming in their seats and want to leave, I will say something like, "I am a slow eater. If you want to leave I understand." There will be no more hugs for them. And I will draw my hand out so fast to give them the have-a-nice-life handshake that they're not even going to know what hit them. I'm going to beat them to the draw. I'm going to cheat! I'm going to extend my hand to them prior to even getting up. Fuck those assholes. I don't care if I'm rude to them. They show rudeness to me by not properly reading my annual income on my profile before meeting me. Most of these women do not read my profile as evidenced by the fact that they ask me questions that are already answered in the profile. Often they ask me things I've already answered during the meeting. They are not listening to me. They're probing me. I'm tired of this shit. These bloodsuckers are making me very upset and depressed.
I drove out to Burlington in the middle of the day to see this women in a Thai restaurant. We could have had coffee, but that's really not acceptable at noon, so I opted to buy her lunch. She did not even offer a handshake when I met her. I wanted to shake her hand but the vibe just wasn't there so I didn't force it. Towards the end of our date, if she wanted to leave I wish she could of said she had to go, not given me this, "I think they want us to leave to free up tables" bullshit. I find this sort of thing very insulting. She never thanked me for lunch, and gave me that fuck-you business-like goodbye handshake. I despise that. I didn't even ask her for a hug as I usually do, and just extended my arms. I'm not a violent person, and I don't own a gun, but if I were and had she not given me the hug, I would have held her at gun point until she did. I would have let her go after that. I just expect a little common fucking courtesy. Maybe a little thank you for the meal after dragging my ass to her neck of the woods in the middle of the day. That is all I ask. I paid for that date in more than money. I have IBS. I had to ram Glycerin Suppositories up my ass since 8:30 a.m. in order to clear my bowels so I would not have a problem. Do you have any idea how much I hate having things rammed up my ass?
On dates, women have a mental tipping point where you are officially written off. Everything said beyond that point is mere formality. I can always detect this mental shift because their body language or tone, either consciously or unconsciously makes this evident.
I've determined that this mental tipping point almost always occurs with either one of three questions, which are:
1.) So what do you do for fun?
2.) Have you traveled? (Since I haven't traveled much. This question is invariable followed by...)
3.) Why haven't you traveled?
The real answer to question 1 is that "fun" -- or what they're really trying to get at, which is recreational activities, is a luxury for people who have time and have money and aren't too completely freaked out by anxiety to have fun. If I feel the woman might have a sense of humor, sometimes I say that I'm frequently asked this question, don't have an answer, but am investigating how I might fabricate an answer to a fun activity so obscure that no one would be able to probe me about. Most of the women I think might have a sense of humor actually don't.
Elena didn't ask me question 1, but she did ask me questions 2 and 3. I don't try to dodge these questions, though I felt so defeated by Elena's reaction that I didn't even elaborate on the extent of my travels within the US. I knew it didn't matter. She was one of those assholes who has the money and time and luxury to travel and cannot understand how a person doesn't do this. It doesn't register in their minds that some people might want to do this but are not privileged enough to do this. These people may have lived in exotic lands but I can assure you that they have not learned half as much as I know about life from living in mental institutions, homeless shelters and ghettos. These cocksuckers are going to go to the grave thinking how better they are to me, but the fact is that they're petty and narrow-minded, and why is it so surprising that they're so single and alone?
I violated my no feeding-women-on-the-first-date-rule that I recently instituted with Elena. Why should I dip into my saving to feed these assholes who judge me? And if I get any more of these three show-stopping questions, I'm going to throw it right back at them. I'm going to give them my deal-breaking question, which is "Do you like the Sopranos?" Maybe I'll even ask them if they like Dostoevsky or some other difficult-to-read literature. You want to play holier-than-thou games with me? I say Bring it On! I hate being judged. It makes me very angry. They're not better than me; they just think they are.
And when I start to sense that these assholes are squirming in their seats and want to leave, I will say something like, "I am a slow eater. If you want to leave I understand." There will be no more hugs for them. And I will draw my hand out so fast to give them the have-a-nice-life handshake that they're not even going to know what hit them. I'm going to beat them to the draw. I'm going to cheat! I'm going to extend my hand to them prior to even getting up. Fuck those assholes. I don't care if I'm rude to them. They show rudeness to me by not properly reading my annual income on my profile before meeting me. Most of these women do not read my profile as evidenced by the fact that they ask me questions that are already answered in the profile. Often they ask me things I've already answered during the meeting. They are not listening to me. They're probing me. I'm tired of this shit. These bloodsuckers are making me very upset and depressed.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Non dependent on psych meds
Below is part of an interesting personal ad I just found. She would not be interested in me. I am not really dependent on psychiatric medication, but take them. I would not really be comfortable with someone who was anti-psychiatric medication also. A lot of people who think they're normal could use psychiatric medication.
I actually like the fact that she likes to stay home and have mac & cheese. I'm lactose intolerant and cannot eat this stuff, but I appreciate its trailer trash quality. It would be something I would want to do with a woman if I could.
Im a normal every day girl looking for a respectable guy, who's non dependent on psych meds. confident, and social. I enjoy going out for dinner or staying home having mac & cheese! I'm easy going, funny and fun to be around. If your interested let me know.
What I despise is the pretense. For example, women saying that they like to go to the theater. I know right away that these women are fakers because the theater in Boston sucks, and anyone with any class and taste would say, "I like to take trips to New York or L.A or London to see the theater."
I actually like the fact that she likes to stay home and have mac & cheese. I'm lactose intolerant and cannot eat this stuff, but I appreciate its trailer trash quality. It would be something I would want to do with a woman if I could.
Im a normal every day girl looking for a respectable guy, who's non dependent on psych meds. confident, and social. I enjoy going out for dinner or staying home having mac & cheese! I'm easy going, funny and fun to be around. If your interested let me know.
What I despise is the pretense. For example, women saying that they like to go to the theater. I know right away that these women are fakers because the theater in Boston sucks, and anyone with any class and taste would say, "I like to take trips to New York or L.A or London to see the theater."
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs anymore... (Well, actually you've never even come close to singing me love songs ... unfortunately...)
I don't advise that you blog at Fast Cupid anymore. FC is no longer supporting blogs at Fastcupid.com. It's highly questionable to me whether they're going to continue to support them at their third-party sites like Nerve.com. I've stopped blogging at FC. Now I will never go back. I've proven all that I need to prove. I'm still blogging at TalkWarrior.com
I drank Wood Alcohol by accident last night -- and right before a date that I had to cancel. Very embarrassing. It truly was an accident. I would never for any reason whatsoever drink this stuff knowingly. I thought it was a cup of water, because I stupidly drink water out of the same plastic cups as I do to sterilize my nose hair clippers with wood alcohol. This would not have happened had I been so tired. But I knew the folks at the emergency room thought my explanation was insane. They looked at me like I was crazy and asked me if I had drank it on purpose.
I love how in the discharge sheet it says in the Final Diagnosis: Isopropyl Alcohol Ingestion. No duh! I could have told them that. It gives me no information about what I should eat, why I'm still nauseous, how I should treat this condition. Just pages and pages of endless, useless, canned bullshit. I have dates with women this week, so I need to know whether I'm going to survive these dates without upchucking. Furthermore, I don't want to upchuck while the urologist exams my prostate tomorrow. That would be very embarrassing and I will make a mess of the poor guy's examining room. I try very hard to avoid embarrassment. I think I've had enough for one week, though my upcoming dates will probably top any embarrassment that I've already suffered this week.
BTW, I don't see any good reason to write original content anymore for my blog. I might put some of my letters to you on my blog, like this one. Don't worry, I will mask your identity as LA WOMAN, and not say any identifiable information about you.
Did you hear my Bastard Brood of Che on Itunes?
I don't advise that you blog at Fast Cupid anymore. FC is no longer supporting blogs at Fastcupid.com. It's highly questionable to me whether they're going to continue to support them at their third-party sites like Nerve.com. I've stopped blogging at FC. Now I will never go back. I've proven all that I need to prove. I'm still blogging at TalkWarrior.com
I drank Wood Alcohol by accident last night -- and right before a date that I had to cancel. Very embarrassing. It truly was an accident. I would never for any reason whatsoever drink this stuff knowingly. I thought it was a cup of water, because I stupidly drink water out of the same plastic cups as I do to sterilize my nose hair clippers with wood alcohol. This would not have happened had I been so tired. But I knew the folks at the emergency room thought my explanation was insane. They looked at me like I was crazy and asked me if I had drank it on purpose.
I love how in the discharge sheet it says in the Final Diagnosis: Isopropyl Alcohol Ingestion. No duh! I could have told them that. It gives me no information about what I should eat, why I'm still nauseous, how I should treat this condition. Just pages and pages of endless, useless, canned bullshit. I have dates with women this week, so I need to know whether I'm going to survive these dates without upchucking. Furthermore, I don't want to upchuck while the urologist exams my prostate tomorrow. That would be very embarrassing and I will make a mess of the poor guy's examining room. I try very hard to avoid embarrassment. I think I've had enough for one week, though my upcoming dates will probably top any embarrassment that I've already suffered this week.
BTW, I don't see any good reason to write original content anymore for my blog. I might put some of my letters to you on my blog, like this one. Don't worry, I will mask your identity as LA WOMAN, and not say any identifiable information about you.
Did you hear my Bastard Brood of Che on Itunes?
Monday, March 09, 2009
Personal ad response to Kate
You're holding back a little in the smile in the profile pic. You don't need to. You have nice curvy cheekbones and big eyes. It's these features that make you beautiful. When you smile you accentuate these features. If I were you I would smile like hell and just let it all hang out.
I think in my next life I will be a gay photographer for super models. In this life, for better or worse, I am just a heterosexual giving armchair modeling advice to dream women on Yahoo personals.
-Ed
I think in my next life I will be a gay photographer for super models. In this life, for better or worse, I am just a heterosexual giving armchair modeling advice to dream women on Yahoo personals.
-Ed
Retired OkayCupid ad
I exude optimism, happiness, and positivity out of every orifice of my body. If a hydrogen bomb were to drop on Boston today, I'd say, "When life gives you nukes, make nuclear families." I have made love to many celebrities, including the entire cast of the "Golden Girls." I have traveled to every country on the planet and the International Space Station. I know countless languages, and am fluent in click. I am motivated, self-confident, know what I want in life, and am fully prepared to derail anyone who gets in my way.
Actually, I am just a poor shlep with a learning disability, who scratches by. Obviously I'm jaded by the personal ad process, but not down. I am a dreamer and my dreams have always been lofty, but I continue to follow them because that is my nature. One of my dreams was to be a fiction writer, and I spent a considerable amount of my youth following this dream. I've never really given up on this, though now I exhaust my creative energies on the exceedingly boring work of the real world, which seems pretty unreal to me.
My biggest dream has always been to find a life partner. My second biggest dream has been to have a child, though I am willing to forgo the second dream for the first. I am a Socialist. An atheist. An armchair philosopher. I am too appalled by homelessness, poverty, and our violent actions against the third world to care about animal rights or global warming.
I am open to meeting any woman provided that she is not a racist, believes in evolution, and doesn't hate gays. I have a preference for people grounded in science and reality.
I actually live in Newton on the Waltham border. I chose Waltham because I don't fit into the Newton demographic group. I am poor, but not down and out. I don't expect any woman to carry me. I have never expected a woman to pay on a date with me, and I don't intend to, though I might be open to exploiting a rich woman, Republican or Democrat.
Fine print: Please be within 20 miles of where I live.
Actually, I am just a poor shlep with a learning disability, who scratches by. Obviously I'm jaded by the personal ad process, but not down. I am a dreamer and my dreams have always been lofty, but I continue to follow them because that is my nature. One of my dreams was to be a fiction writer, and I spent a considerable amount of my youth following this dream. I've never really given up on this, though now I exhaust my creative energies on the exceedingly boring work of the real world, which seems pretty unreal to me.
My biggest dream has always been to find a life partner. My second biggest dream has been to have a child, though I am willing to forgo the second dream for the first. I am a Socialist. An atheist. An armchair philosopher. I am too appalled by homelessness, poverty, and our violent actions against the third world to care about animal rights or global warming.
I am open to meeting any woman provided that she is not a racist, believes in evolution, and doesn't hate gays. I have a preference for people grounded in science and reality.
I actually live in Newton on the Waltham border. I chose Waltham because I don't fit into the Newton demographic group. I am poor, but not down and out. I don't expect any woman to carry me. I have never expected a woman to pay on a date with me, and I don't intend to, though I might be open to exploiting a rich woman, Republican or Democrat.
Fine print: Please be within 20 miles of where I live.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
No problem, I hear AA women are easy.
After a drinking binge about a week and a half ago, where, in an angry rage, I deleted about half my face book friends (about 10), I swore off drinking the next day, after I polished off my last 3 beers until tomorrow. I realized I could not drink tomorrow, easily, because this is Massachusetts and we have some pretty wacky liquor laws due to the good ol' Catholic Church -- WHICH THINKS IT CAN AND DOES DICTATE TO EVERYONE, and, of course the good ol' Liquor Store Lobby, so I am drinking now. Yay!
I didn't swear off drinking because I thought it was a problem, because drinking helps me to deal with the misery of my life, but because my weight is beginning to spiral out of control, and drinking always makes me hungry. Alcohol alone contains awesome amounts of calories. So it is dating -- or this farce that I'm involved with that might, if you're generous, be called dating, that is keeping me straight. I go back on the wagon tomorrow for about a week. I used to have this asshole friend, and he was this big reformed alcky, and he was always like, "Ed, you should go to an AA meeting. I think you have a problem. And you could meet women at these meetings. Lots. And they're real basket cases like you. You could have them easy."
I didn't swear off drinking because I thought it was a problem, because drinking helps me to deal with the misery of my life, but because my weight is beginning to spiral out of control, and drinking always makes me hungry. Alcohol alone contains awesome amounts of calories. So it is dating -- or this farce that I'm involved with that might, if you're generous, be called dating, that is keeping me straight. I go back on the wagon tomorrow for about a week. I used to have this asshole friend, and he was this big reformed alcky, and he was always like, "Ed, you should go to an AA meeting. I think you have a problem. And you could meet women at these meetings. Lots. And they're real basket cases like you. You could have them easy."
Personal ad response to jóízû
"Disappointed that people tend to isolate themselves once they find a significant relationship?" But that's the whole point. I don't think you're seeing the big picture on this.
And how did you get those squiggly things in your username? I want fancy squiggles likes that in my user name. Damn! It is just so exotic and cosmopolitan. I wouldn't even have a clue as to how even to pronounce that. I need to have that! Or at least be associated with that.
You "respect polyamour". I don't. I spit on it. I damn them! Why can't they leave us poor monogamists alone.
I think you're cute.
-Ed
And how did you get those squiggly things in your username? I want fancy squiggles likes that in my user name. Damn! It is just so exotic and cosmopolitan. I wouldn't even have a clue as to how even to pronounce that. I need to have that! Or at least be associated with that.
You "respect polyamour". I don't. I spit on it. I damn them! Why can't they leave us poor monogamists alone.
I think you're cute.
-Ed
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Personal ad response to Reeni
I frequently suffer from an existential crisis, which is sort of a spiritual crisis. I think we can count this as a spiritual experience. I think we can look beyond these cosmetic differences in our world views.
You're cute. Why can't we all just get along?
-Ed
You're cute. Why can't we all just get along?
-Ed
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Personal ad response to chestnut
Hi,
Look, I'm Jewish. And we're afraid of nature. So I think I get a free pass for not being outdoorsy. And I would appreciate it if I am not discriminated against because my religion precludes me from being anywhere near a mosquito. Also, I don't think you fully appreciate the benefits of couch potatoism, and I hope that you might check into this.
I will be candid: x-country skiing is just so blah. Why x-country ski past a tree and actually see the thing when you could downhill ski by it at 50 m.p.h. You don't even see the tree at this speed. It's just a big blur. It gives a far more heightened sense of reality. It's just more fun.
And, while I'm being candid. You have some damn cute cheeks.
-Ed
Look, I'm Jewish. And we're afraid of nature. So I think I get a free pass for not being outdoorsy. And I would appreciate it if I am not discriminated against because my religion precludes me from being anywhere near a mosquito. Also, I don't think you fully appreciate the benefits of couch potatoism, and I hope that you might check into this.
I will be candid: x-country skiing is just so blah. Why x-country ski past a tree and actually see the thing when you could downhill ski by it at 50 m.p.h. You don't even see the tree at this speed. It's just a big blur. It gives a far more heightened sense of reality. It's just more fun.
And, while I'm being candid. You have some damn cute cheeks.
-Ed
Sunday, March 01, 2009
My dating Seinfeld moment
Consistent with the online dating law that I live by, I had asked this woman for coffee on the 2nd e-mail I sent her. She said I moved "so fast". I politely wrote her back saying that you can't really get to know someone through e-mail. I probably also threw in my signature cuteness and flattery as well, but I knew she was most probably a lost cause. I'd give her 24 hours. If she didn't write back she never would. About three days later I deleted not only her e-mail but hid her profile. This is a psychological, symbolic thing for me which says, "I don't acknowledge your existence. I am moving on." Maybe the next day I get an e-mail from her apologizing, saying her friend's mother died, but she might be free over the weekend. I had seen this a million times before. This was sort of an up-yours way of rejecting people. I almost didn't even write her back. I didn't tell her that I was going to be busy on Sunday, because that would betray the fact that I was on to her. I opted to give her a polite e-mail saying that I understand and she could take as much time as she likes.
To my shock I get an e-mail from her saying she is free over the weekend. This broke what I thought was a universal law of the dating universe. It was a little disillusioning, because I thought I had understood the dating universe. I arranged a Saturday date with this woman. The problem was that in deleting her e-mail I had deleted her name, and had forgotten her name.
On Saturday I arrive at our meeting place, a coffee shop, a bit early. I look around. A woman is looking at me. I don't see too well without my glasses. She doesn't look like the woman in the photo. Sometimes women look a lot different than in their photos, but she is looking at me, is thirty something, so it has to be her. So I walk over to this women. I cannot say "Are you so and so?" So I say, "Hi, I'm, Ed." And she says to me. "Oh I'm not the person you're looking for." I was terribly embarrassed, apologized and made a hasty exit for the door. And she says to me as I am walking away, "I was looking at you because you looked interesting." I think that she had read my body language and knew what had happened, and she was just trying to save me some embarrassment.
Half-way into the actual date it started to really bother me that I didn't know her name, so I confided in her what had happened, and I told her the story about the woman I had mistook for her. And my date thought this was all very funny. She said, "It sounded like that woman liked you. Wouldn't it have been interesting if you had sat down with her and started talking to her." And I had not even thought about this. This was a very disconcerting thought. And I said, "I bet I would have really pissed you off." And she said "No, I'm a writer. These sort of situations are interesting for me." It was at this point that I knew that I wanted to see this woman again.
To my shock I get an e-mail from her saying she is free over the weekend. This broke what I thought was a universal law of the dating universe. It was a little disillusioning, because I thought I had understood the dating universe. I arranged a Saturday date with this woman. The problem was that in deleting her e-mail I had deleted her name, and had forgotten her name.
On Saturday I arrive at our meeting place, a coffee shop, a bit early. I look around. A woman is looking at me. I don't see too well without my glasses. She doesn't look like the woman in the photo. Sometimes women look a lot different than in their photos, but she is looking at me, is thirty something, so it has to be her. So I walk over to this women. I cannot say "Are you so and so?" So I say, "Hi, I'm, Ed." And she says to me. "Oh I'm not the person you're looking for." I was terribly embarrassed, apologized and made a hasty exit for the door. And she says to me as I am walking away, "I was looking at you because you looked interesting." I think that she had read my body language and knew what had happened, and she was just trying to save me some embarrassment.
Half-way into the actual date it started to really bother me that I didn't know her name, so I confided in her what had happened, and I told her the story about the woman I had mistook for her. And my date thought this was all very funny. She said, "It sounded like that woman liked you. Wouldn't it have been interesting if you had sat down with her and started talking to her." And I had not even thought about this. This was a very disconcerting thought. And I said, "I bet I would have really pissed you off." And she said "No, I'm a writer. These sort of situations are interesting for me." It was at this point that I knew that I wanted to see this woman again.
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