Left testicle endangerment

I saw my Internist today for a physical. I like this doctor. The only thing I don’t like about her is that she calls me “Sir." I wish she wasn’t so formal. I don’t mind calling her “Doctor.” She does not need to call me “Sir." I wish she just called me “Dickie.”

In the lobby there are pamphlets that contain mini-bios of the doctors in the office. Under “Personal Interests” she lists very normal stuff like reading novels and cooking. She also says that she often stays up too late rooting for the Red Sox. This is also very normal. I do it too, but my thought is, should she be telling me this? I want my doctor to be wide awake as shit. I can’t have a tired doctor making life and death decisions about me. She should at least say that she always takes a snort of coke before seeing each patient, and for Dickie Richards she does two snorts.

While inspecting my left testicle, she hit a nerve. She asked me if that hurt because I flinched. I said it hurt a little. My testicle hurt for two hours afterwards. I hope that testicle is still good. I really need that left nut to make the babies and make me manly (except of course for my soft and subtle girly skin.)

She said I should exercise. When I asked what type of exercise, she said I should walk four miles a day.  I literally said, “Are you kidding me?”

She was overflowing with praise of how low my bad cholesterol was and how high my good cholesterol was -- and all my other good stats, which I had no idea what they meant. She told me I did good work or something like that. Obviously this woman has no fucking clue that a main staple of my diet is bacon, eggs, pumpkin pie, beer, and fried foods. She probably assumed that I was a health nut to have stats like that. (Maybe it’s the pumpkin filling that makes me so healthy. Maybe years from now they’ll learn that pumpkin pie filling adds decades to your life.)

If I can eat like shit and be so healthy, especially considering the awesome amount of stress that I deal with, it really makes me question her advice of doing cardio-vascular exercise.