Scintillating!

I reopened my OkayCupid account. I’m not really dating though; I’m primarily interested in sex. I make this clear. I’m sure I’ll disable the account, soon, once I feel I’ve embarrassed myself enough.

As a writing exercise, I wrote a college professor who said that she didn’t want someone who was "easy-going" or "laid-back. This is what I wrote her:

Look, there is nothing wrong with "easy-going" or "laid-back." I am the most laid-back person in the world up until the point where I have a wig out.

I'm writing to you because I just can't resist sexy college professors, not that I've ever had one. Also, I saw that photo of you by the beach, and I know you must know the butterfly stroke. I know that you can help me!

(Okay, running a little long for a personal ad intro -- can't write too much or I will look desperate, and I am only moderately desperate.) You look really sweet. I hope you find someone, whomever that might be.

I wrote this off the cuff. I am a good fuckin’ writer. Had I lived a life of gainful employment, I am sure that I would have gotten a lot of nookie from smart and horny women.

I don’t’ feel any loss that this woman never wrote back. She said in her profile that she wanted “scintillating conversation” and “international adventure.” I’m not sure what “scintillating” conversation is, but I’m pretty sure I’m not interested in this type of convo. As for international adventure, I can’t afford it. Brainy women like her, I think, want their cake and want to eat it too. They are perpetual losers like Heather.