I probably should have called the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating that evening, but I was tired and I had other plans for the evening beyond a fucking phone screening interview.
I have had horrible experiences with pre-date phone screenings. I am literally phobic about doing them. Women bust balls on phone screenings like they never would if you met them in person. When the woman gives you her number, like the beautiful woman did, 60% of the time when you call, you're patched through to voice mail. I have a shitty voice. Due to this, no woman has ever called me back after I've left a phone message. If I get through to the woman, I stand about a 15% chance of surviving the phone screening interview. It is fucking bullshit. All that women hear is my awful voice and how retarded I sound. If they saw my smile it would be a different story. If I could actually hear 100% of what they say versus 80% what they say on their shitty cell phones, I might have a fighting chance. If I could read their body language -- if they could read mine, I might have a fighting chance, but I don't have any fucking chance at all when they give me a fucking job interview over the phone. I will usually write to the the woman that I am not good over the phone and request that they meet me in person. This works about 85% of the time. But I read the beautiful woman's blog and she is convinced that she could sense people through phone screenings and was pretty adamant about doing them. What amazed me was that she reported that some men don't even call her. Were they insane? This is the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating! My rules about doing phone screenings are pretty clear: I DON'T FUCKING DOING THEM! But this is the most beautiful woman in Internet dating. Certainly if there is some small fraction of a chance of landing a date with this woman, I can break my rule.
I opted to offer the possibility of skype. This would level the playing field for me. I e-mailed her the following:
03/26/2009
Today is turning out be very hectic. Unfortunately I will not be able to call you tonight. Let me give you my home phone and skype address. We could video conference if you're interested. I hope that we could communicate over the weekend or perhaps on Monday.
Phone: [UNDISCLOSED]
Skype: [UNDISCLOSED]
I could not call her on Friday. That would be inappropriate. I thought about calling her on Saturday afternoon, but I all I did was freak out about calling her and not call her. I had two dates on Sunday and could not call her. A dark cloud of terror and loathing loomed over that entire weekend. And I could not sleep. It was not only that she was so beautiful. Even if she was ugly, I have had so many bad experiences with the phone screening that it is just aversive. They terrify me.
Finally when it was Monday I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep and anxious as hell but I had to call her. There was no escaping it. I knew there was a 60% chance that I would get patched through to voice mail. For the first time in my life I wrote out a script for this eventuality instead of stumbling through it. I knew that I had a 0% chance of women calling me back if I left a voice mail, so if I said something normal I would never be called back. I would need to defy the rules. This is the only way I can possibly win in life. I would need to say something to compel her to call me back, despite the fact that my voice is shit and I sound like a fucking retard. I had nothing to lose.
Sure enough when I called her, I got voice mail. I said the following:
Hi, this is Ed. I'm trying to reach the most beautiful woman on [UNDISCLOSED DATING SITE]. I'm not sure what her name is but I know that she's from Bucharest. You can call me at [UNDISCLOSED NUMBER]. Hope to chat with you later.
I gave myself a C- on the delivery. I was very tired. I was too tired to rehearse the script, but I knew from doing radio that when you rehearse things you run into the danger of things sounding rehearsed. What I said was over-the-top, but what I gave her was the real me. I had nothing to lose.
Every day afterward I prayed that she would not call me back. Rational or not, I really resented her for putting me through all this stress. What is this phone call magical chair bullshit all about? What is this bullshit about being able to psychicly sense whether people are cool through a phone convo. (This is essentially what she was saying in her blog, but not in these words.) If you might have some interest in a person, meet them for 20 minutes. What is the big whoop? You never even have to give away your cell number. What bothers me so much about Internet dating is all the screwing around and wasting of my time that people do. I despise fickle, indecisive people who believe in magic, are afraid to take risks, and do things half-assed. Why do you think these people are shopping on the Internet year after year after year for a mate? They will never find anyone. I am a low-wage earner. This makes me half a man. But at least I have a legitimate fucking excuse for not being able to find a mate. What is the excuse of the beautiful people who have good jobs that they "love" and "great" lives. Who is the real loser? I don't mean to single-out the beautiful woman. She actually sounded pretty cool and she never said she had a great life or loved her job or was an eternal optimist or any of that fucking crap. I really don't have any personal animosity towards the beautiful woman. She treated me okay.
My gambit with the voice mail, at least for the moment had seemed to have paid off. About a week later I got the following e-mail from the beautiful woman:
04/01/2009
I am out of town until tomorrow. I will try to call you when I get back.
My prayers have probably been answered by the dating Gods: The beautiful woman has not called me back. Who knows, maybe some dark rainy night I will get a call from a woman with a funny accent, and it will be the most beautiful woman in Boston Internet dating. I hope not. No woman is worth being put through all this stress and anxiety for, I don't care how beautiful she is.
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