They have no idea

Middle-aged women on OkayCupid write to me. Many of them are good looking, and I could seriously screw them. I don't think that they understand just how low on the food chain I am. I try to make this clear in my profile, though I don't overtly say this. These women probably have no clue that I spend my days thinking about how to kill myself. I'm not going to do this now. But I need an exit strategy. I will not beg. That's not going to happen. Killing oneself can be confounding. I often read about people, often women, successfully killing themselves through hanging. I don't know how people can do this. These people have gonads that I don't have. The horror of dangling by the neck and suffocating … this is just too horrible and depressing for me … I can't do this. Also, it so demeaning to be found, hanged. It would be a while before anyone finds my body. I would stink. My corpse would be hideous. There would probably be flies and maggots eating away at my rotting corpse. It would be disgusting. Asshole police would probably laugh at me. I don't want the slimy, cocksucker police laughing at me. I've faced humiliation my whole life; I don't want to be scraped out of my apartment like rotten, human garbage. Good Christ, there's got to be a better way.