“Come to Florida,” my father said. “You can buy cheap real-estate.” You have the money! Such shit.
Everyone wants to be in South Florida. Everyone loves South Florida. It is so warm. What a wonderful place, with its densely packed wide roads full of SUVs and trucks and plain old cars driven by rednecks with memorial tributes to their dead friends on their rear windows and their bumper stickers that say “God bless our troops especially our snipers.” Such good people in Florida -- and what scenery -- a Walgreens on every corner; no, I’m exaggerating, some corners actually have CVS’s. Drive any rode and you will either see a strip mall or a condo complex. They really know how to pack them in in South Florida. Condos litter the landscape. What little orange groves and farmland is left is rapidly being converted to condos. Why buy food locally when you can burn more fossil fuel and make the world good and hot by importing your food halfway across the world? They live in their condos behind gates, surrounded by palm trees. An illusionary island in a sea of congestion, sameness, and madness. The strip malls look alike. They all feature a Publix, Walmart, Walgreens, Subway, a pizza store, and a Asian restaurant. Yes, occasionally there is some variation; but they are the same entity. Often there are zombies standing outside the strip malls waving signs to entice people to come in. Sometimes they are dressed up in stupid costumes. It is all normal in this anti-universe.
I was awed by how fat people’s asses were in South Florida. South Florida is barely above sea-level as it is. How do they pack in all that ass into all those cars and condos and shopping establishments without weighing the bottom half of the state down? I really thought that. I’m not talking about a lot of people with relatively fat asses, I’m talking about a huge mass of people with giant elephant asses. At some point the weight of all this ass is going to cause the bottom half of the state to sink into the ocean. We don’t need to worry about global warming sinking Florida.
