The Walmart Strategy

I followed my dream today of being a pool boy by buying a swimsuit at Target for the lifeguard course I will be taking next week. As pathetic and comical as this dream is, a dream is a dream.

Target didn’t have much in the way of swimsuits. A lot of stupid, loud colors and patterns; however, I came across a navy colored swimsuit with little white anchors stitched all over it. It was the most gayest swimsuit I’ve ever seen and, despite the fact that it lacked a front pocket –- I had to have it! I was in love with how cute it was. I wouldn’t be caught dead in something that looked overtly gay, but this swimsuit sent an understated yet overwhelmingly powerful message that you are gay and you are proud! -- and I loved the concept. The large swimsuit was too small on me, and they didn’t have an extra large, so I opted for a very plain and boring swimsuit for fifteen dollars.

I saw a baseball hat that I fell in love with too. It was a Bud Lite hat, and normally I wouldn’t be caught dead in a hat like that, but this hat had a bottle opener embedded in its bill. It was so trailer trashy that I instantly fell in love with the hat and needed to have it, but I am like, very low on funds and opted to deny to myself the object of my love.

While I looked for the swimsuit, there was an old guy talking on his cell in Russian, using very common Russian words and phrases that I had learned last year in order to live in Siberia or Moldova. The plan was to find a woman there to create a child with and teach English; now that I have switched my strategy to looking for impoverished women in the U.S. to create a child with, the Russian and the English that I devoted so much time to learning is fairly useless. A year ago I could understand a lot of what he was saying, but now I had no idea what his words meant. It made me sad to know that I will never be able to live in a foreign land where the most beautiful language in the world is spoken. English and Spanish and German are ugly and vulgar languages. You don’t fully realize this until you’ve studied Russian. I have always despised and wanted to escape the U.S. I hate its right-wing assholes (including its right-wing wannabe --Barrack Obama) and I hate its fuck you attitude. I will not have the time nor money to ever escape this place, as I will be up to my eyeballs in shit soon. I have Obama to thank for taking away my publicly funded fuel assistance and for taking away my tax credit for the poor, and thus raising my taxes. I need these things, for I will be joining the ranks of the working poor soon, if I am lucky enough to get jobs. (This is plural, for I will need more than one job.) I will still be fucked up the ass by the drug companies. I am not sure if Obama’s overly-confusing healthcare program will cover me at all. It won’t help me in the near future, when I will need it. That I know.

I voted for Obama and he fucked me. You liberal-minded middle-classers with your spending cash (even if it is not too much) and your semi-comfortable lifestyles are next in line to be fucked by this wolf in sheep’s clothing. I hope that you will remember my words before casting your vote for Obama again. Obama is a war-mongering, right-wing suck-up. I advise voting for Mickey Mouse. Our democracy has been bought and sold. If you really want a change, start a revolution.

Hell might possibly be South Florida

“Come to Florida,” my father said. “You can buy cheap real-estate.” You have the money! Such shit.

Everyone wants to be in South Florida. Everyone loves South Florida. It is so warm. What a wonderful place, with its densely packed wide roads full of SUVs and trucks and plain old cars driven by rednecks with memorial tributes to their dead friends on their rear windows and their bumper stickers that say “God bless our troops especially our snipers.” Such good people in Florida -- and what scenery -- a Walgreens on every corner; no, I’m exaggerating, some corners actually have CVS’s. Drive any rode and you will either see a strip mall or a condo complex. They really know how to pack them in in South Florida. Condos litter the landscape. What little orange groves and farmland is left is rapidly being converted to condos. Why buy food locally when you can burn more fossil fuel and make the world good and hot by importing your food halfway across the world? They live in their condos behind gates, surrounded by palm trees. An illusionary island in a sea of congestion, sameness, and madness. The strip malls look alike. They all feature a Publix, Walmart, Walgreens, Subway, a pizza store, and a Asian restaurant. Yes, occasionally there is some variation; but they are the same entity. Often there are zombies standing outside the strip malls waving signs to entice people to come in. Sometimes they are dressed up in stupid costumes. It is all normal in this anti-universe.

I was awed by how fat people’s asses were in South Florida. South Florida is barely above sea-level as it is. How do they pack in all that ass into all those cars and condos and shopping establishments without weighing the bottom half of the state down? I really thought that. I’m not talking about a lot of people with relatively fat asses, I’m talking about a huge mass of people with giant elephant asses. At some point the weight of all this ass is going to cause the bottom half of the state to sink into the ocean. We don’t need to worry about global warming sinking Florida.

MBTA–they suck smegma pungent gonad.

What are the chances of this request (below) being honored in our lovely free and open and transparent democracy? I think zero. The MBTA is the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority. The MBTA is comprised of high-salaried civil servants who run our public transit system. Do you think that they are grateful to have their cushy jobs and to serve the people? No. The MBTA contains some of the rudest and most belligerent motherfuckers on the planet. I once saw a bus driver literally using his bus as battering ram to knock down some poor guy in front of the bus who wanted to get on. Every time the guy would regain his balance after being knocked back by the bus, the bus would inch forward to hit him again. The bus driver did not want to let the guy on because he had already closed his door. And this happened in the middle of winter. I can tell you many stories about these fucking scum. The MBTA is one of the reasons why I hate humanity.

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Dear MBTA,

On February 3, 2010, at 6:15 p.m., I was exiting the Chestnut Hill Mall from the Route 9 side, with my car.

An MBTA bus #60 was behind me as I attempted to take the left onto Route 9. It was especially difficult and dangerous for me to make this left turn, as there was a snow mound obscuring my vision and, as you can image, given the time of day, there was a lot of traffic.

Within 10 seconds of my attempt to take this left onto Route 9, your bus driver started honking his or her horn. I stuck my hand out of my window using a halting gesture, indicating to your bus driver that I acknowledged his or her wanting me to proceed and that this was not helping; however, it was still not possible for me to safely take this left. Your bus driver menacingly inched his or her bus in back of me as I attempted to exit. Your bus driver increased his or her honking until it was non-stop.

I don't believe that it took longer than 30 seconds for me to take this left onto Route 9. I believe your bus driver's behavior towards me was unwarranted, discourteous, and very dangerous.

I demand a copy of any electronic record that you may have of this incident.

Thank you,

Dickie Richards