If you're an ass-kicker, at least write like one

I'm tired today and feeling a little nihilist. I came across an OkCupid woman with a profile that was quite unreal. This sample from her profile is really just the tip of the iceberg:

Remember, I am a successful woman who needs a guy to match me in my ability to acheive goals. If you are not this guy, please, don't waste my time.

I would not dream of contacting a woman like this, but I have an overwhelming desire to help alpha-doggers with their spelling and grammar as they embarrass me, not that I am any type of expert in these matters.

First of all, we need to remember that old spelling rule we learned in the first grade: i before e except after c. Accordingly, "acheive" should be spelled "achieve."

Is her first sentence grammatically correct? Probably, but it sure done sound funny, eh? A truly successful woman like her would want to be more concise in her wording and instead say something like this:

Remember, I am a successful woman who needs a guy to match my ability to achieve goals.

But even this sounds a little cave-womany.

How about:

I am a successful woman. I desire a goal-oriented man who matches my level of achievement.

Or perhaps you could just try the cut-the-crap approach:

I kick ass! I bite the heads off fuckin' bats and eat them. You should too. Fuck the rest of ya!

Suicide Mission

Dear L,

I am in Florida now visiting my parents. I didn't get access Wifi until today.

I think I learned too much about the intimate details of your life. I am specially referring to men. I know that I have also revealed personal details to you along these lines, and I am a hypocrite, but I am jealous of any man who you like.

I am not speaking to too many people these days anyway. It's hard to be chatty these days. I feel like I am on a mission to create offspring that is so risky that is practically a suicide mission. I could piss away all my valuable time and meager savings on an ESL certificate (which I may not even qualify for or complete) so that I could go to the backwaters of Eastern Europe or Siberia to get fucked (not the sexual kind). Or I could stick around and keep doing what I'm doing which will invariably lead to my being fucked, or as I like to call this scenario -- the slow death.

I actually looked into janitorial jobs today. Goodwill is paying $28,000. This is what an entry level computer programming job paid me ten years ago, where I worked 100 hours a week, so the Goodwill job scrubbing toilets is really the better deal as there is less investment in time and stress. People treat you like shit at these jobs because they assume they are superior to you because of their higher social status, but in my last 28K computer programming job my boss was a fucking tyrant and literally screamed at me. The Goodwill job is probably more secure that any programming job. Maybe this is the better deal than teaching ESL in Siberia. Maybe my chances of meeting a woman for the purposes of reproduction would be about the same. But my instinct tells me that I will probably get fucked as a janitor. I can just imagine the faces my OkayCupid dates make when I tell them that I mop floors for a living. While there are some exceptions most of these people are incredibly shallow despite how enlightened they attempt to portray themselves,

I'm running out of MOJO, L. I am fortunate to look younger than my age, but very soon time is going to catch up with me and I am not going to be able to attract reproductively viable women. Personally I don't give a shit about getting old. I just don't like the idea of being old and being faced with the existential horror of life without meaning.

It just feels like I am desperately running out of time and everything is closing in on me.

You could always call me. But please wait until I get back from Florida on the 27th so that I could have a little more privacy.

Here is my google voice number, if you don't already have it:

A FastCupid blog post I never posted

I wrote this for the FastCupid blog but never posted it:

There is a whole little universe within a universe operating here. It revolves whether I'm here or not.

I could tell you how I'm doing, but people who know me know that I'm probably going to tell you that I'm miserable, lonely, and completely obsessed with a need to create my own family. What many of you don't know is that I have become Captain Ahab and am fully prepared to sacrifice everything in pursuit of my dream.

I pass up perfectly good 44 year olds who write me, and instead chase the elusive 34 year olds that will go out with me. It has nothing to do with getting a better fuck. I really don't care about sex. As horny as I am, my need for sex is the least of my problems. A younger me would never conceive that I would say something like this.

One of the provocateurs on this site stated that I could not get laid. I did not reply to him, but this is really not true. I haven't had sex since 2001, but I've had opportunities to get sex from women my own age within the last few years. I turn down these opportunities because when they present themselves I worry about all the time my having sex with women will take up. That is time that could be better spent plotting to put myself into a position where I can increase my odds of finding someone I can start a family with. In addition, it raises moral issues, which I'm not going to get into.

I have only so much MOJO left in the tank. And right now I'm running on fumes. All I have to do is get just a little bit older, and I will not be able to attract reproductively viable women, anywhere. As the impending doom of age encroaches it takes me further down the road of panic, desperation, and perhaps madness.